The Identity of the Black Hood, Revealed!
Warning: Spoilers for Riverdale season two, episode nine, "Silent Night, Deadly Night," are ahead.
It's time for a Christmas episode! Last week, Vulture's Jackson McHenry asked the important question: What Temperature Is It in Riverdale? But I have another. How is it possibly Christmas? It was snowing in the finale of season 1, when Archie punched his way through ice to save Cheryl from drowning in Sweetwater River. Considering the season two premiere picked up exactly where that episode left off, either just one month has passed in nine episodes or an entire year. I honestly couldn't tell you which is true. Let's pretend it began snowing in November (and that's being generous), did it all of a sudden get warm enough to wear booty-shorts to drag races, only to plummet again just a few episodes later? This is the true Riverdale mystery. Someone get Betty on it, STAT.
But it's not only a Christmas episode, but the midseason finale, which means it's finally time to unmask the Black Hood, and I'm pissed off. Riverdale being Riverdale, a lot happened in just 42 minutes, so let's take it character by character:
Veronica is no longer "daddy's" little girl.
During the world's most uncomfortable secret santa exchange between a group of exes, V notices some more-than-friendly giggles exchanged between Betty and Archie. Sure Varchie is broken up, but she's not over him, you know? Luckily, when presenting Archie with a pre-breakup gift (a very fancy watch with the pretty stupid inscription, Mad about my Archiekins) V finds the perfect way back into her favorite red-head's good graces. The Andrews family can't afford Fred's medical expenses, billed to the tune of $86,000. America's healthcare system is jacked, even in Riverdale.
Obviously the perfect solution is for Hiram Lodge to pay off Fred's debts, especially considering he has enough money to buy Faberge eggs from Spiffany's (LOL) for his wife. This is my kind of teen logic. Shockingly (not), Daddy says no and V has to improvise.
While searching through Hiram's office she discovers the deed to Pop's diner that Hiram specifically promised he hadn't purchased. So V throws a bit of a tantrum, steals Hermione's American Excess card, and pays off Fred's bills herself. Long story short, Hermione has fraud protection and the Lodge family needs to have a chat. It's finally time Veronica knows what goes on at Lodge Industries (we conveniently pan away to a new story line during this discovery) and she agrees to play along with their plans if Fred can keep the money. Win win win.
Cheryl caught mommy kissing Santa Clause.
Cheryl may not have much to do in this episode, but steals the show as usual. We learn that the Blossom's are broke, but that won't stop Cheryl from purchasing the best tree in town. When Penelope confronts her over the extravagance we get the best exchange:
Cheryl: I was thinking maybe you could go to Mr. Lodge for a job. Of course he’d probably ask you what kind of skills you have and you’d be forced to tell him the only skill you have is being a terrible mother. So I guess you’re gonna have to get creative in the new year.
Nana Rose: You should have drowned them at birth. Like a basket of Kittens.
A. WHAT? B. Nana Rose is back from her unexplained absence, guys! That will be important later. For now it looks like Penelope may have taken Cheryl's advice when later the youngest Blossom walks in on her mother making out with some guy dressed as Santa. Love a good Christmas gag.
Jughead's lost his mind... again.
I'm going to keep this section brief, because it's basically just filled with a bunch of arguments between Jughead and FP over their snake charmer problem. FP is wrangling the Serpents to help run Penny's drugs, while relegating Jug to the gang's Christmas charity works. Never one to be tossed to the side, Juggie enlists the young Serpents to take action.
They kidnap Penny Peabody and bring her to Greendale. They full-on throw a sack over this woman's head to drive her across town. There's one highway...I think she'll know how to get back. Unnecessary security measure aside, this is the first time I've actually seen Jughead as a full-on gang member, and it's frightening. When Peabody points out that her Serpent tat makes her untouchable, Jughead responds, "It's time you learned that tattoo doesn't make you a Serpent." He proceeds to CUT IT OFF with a switch-blade, getting his own "pound of flesh" as he later tells FP.
FP is pissed for good reason. OF COURSE she's going to come back. And now there's really no going back for Jughead. Maybe Betty is better off with Archie.
Archie and Betty unmask the Black Hood.
Speaking of Archie and Betty, the pair sets off on another mission when they notice the friendly neighborhood janitor has been replaced by some other middle-aged white man. Following last week's discovery that Mr. Svenson (or Joseph Conway) identified the his family's murderer and had him killed by a group of townies, Archie is worried that he might be the Black Hood's latest victim.
Those suspicions are confirmed when Betty receives a package from BH containing a severed finger (that Alice was all too happy to place in her room despite the serial killer with a penchant for leaving anonymous letters). She get's yet another call from the Black Hood telling her "exhume the past" and find out where the town's primal sin was committed. There they will find Mr. Svenson.
That's half-true. After just a few hours of sleuthing, which includes a talk with Nana Rose, the reveal that Betty's grandfather helped kill the "Riverdale Reaper", and a KISS between Archie and Betty, A & B know where to find Svenson–sorry I can't muster up more thoughts on the big kiss between our Golden Boy and the Girl Next Door, but so much is happening! Plus, I have a feeling they'll be back with their respective true pairings by the end of this episode. It turns out Svenson falsely identified an innocent man as the Riverdale Reaper. That's Riverdale's original sin, and they should be able to find Svenson in Pickins Park, where the innocent man was buried alive all those years ago.
When they arrive at the park and find a grave marked Joseph Conway with a shovel, Archie proceeds to dig. But it's a trap! There's no body in the makeshift casket, but the Black Hood has arrived with a gun! He forces Archie into the box and has Betty fill in the hole. Let's please pause to acknowledge how terrifying that would be and the great performances KJ Apa (Archie) and Lili Reinhart (Betty) brought to the scene.
Pause over, Betty gets the upper-hand when BH gets distracted by sirens. It looks like our little detectives finally learned how to pick up a phone and called the Sheriff on their way over. Betty knocks him out for long enough to save Archie, take the gun, and chase down BH to the bridge. We get to think for one second that Archie shoots him, but it was really Sheriff Keller.
Drumroll please.... The Black Hood is Mr. Svenson. Actually, throw away the drums, that's a terrible reveal. Besides the fact that he cut off his own finger, there was nothing remotely scary about Svenson and we just met him two episodes ago. Like the core four say as they're sitting in Pop's diner, everything does add up. Yes, Svenson could have seen Miss Grundy and Archie Andrews together, or Moose and Midge buying Jingle Jangle, and delivered his letter to Betty on school grounds. But the Black Hood storyline practically begged audiences to guess his identity from the jump, so it feels unfair that not even the most attentive viewer could have figured it out earlier.
Unmasking aside, the episode ends with hints that the story might not be over. Someone is lurking, taking photos of a kiss between Veronica and Archie (told you!). So don't burn that hood just yet, Betty, there could still be an accomplice, and it could still be Dilton Doiley... maybe. I guess we'll just have to wait until January, though it may suddenly be summer in Riverdale.
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