Photo illustration by Erik Mace for Yahoo.
On July 9th, Carnival Cruise Line will begin banning any and all bottled beverages from being brought on board its ships (save one bottle of wine or champagne) in order to clamp down on elderly aunts the world over from sipping Chablis-in-a-box within their Dramamine-inducing cabins — and everyone else of course.
Carnival corporate’s obvious end game is to have cruisers spend a whole lot more with whichever incarnation of Ted Lange (a.k.a. Issac Washington from the The Love Boat) is currently tending bar. (Note: On some ships, it might actually be Ted Lange.)
Despite the crackdown, that doesn’t mean there aren’t still sneaky ways to smuggle some booze onboard. Of course, it’s probably against the rules, but we compiled some of the best hooch-hiding gear (both commercial and homemade). That way those who choose to partake can spend their hard earned dollars on Carnival’s always-excellent dinner theater. (We’re told they’re doing Grease tonight!)
Near…far…wherever you are… we believe that your heart does go on. But your liver stops here:
Are you gazing at dolphins or guzzling a beer? That nosy first mate won’t know the difference! (Note: Barnoculars are not multi-purpose. Do not attempt to place unscrewed “lenses” onto your eyes.)
Photo: The BeerBelly
This alcohol appendage you can wear under your shirt holds up to 80 ounces of giggle juice and comes complete with a tube that pours into your cabin’s clandestine cups…or, you know, just directly into your mouth. (Don’t do that in front of ship security.) Oh, and it’s a perfect pregnancy pretender for the ladies!
Related: Surviving the Cruise Ship Buffet
Yes, women can pad their bras with pilsner rather than…whatever they usually pad their bra with. This c (for Courvoisier!) cupped contraption holds up to 25 ounces of alcohol. Does it surprise you that this was created by the same folks that gave us the Beer Belly? Yeah. Doesn’t surprise us, either…
Why have the disgusting aftertaste of actual Coppertone in your cognac, when you can buy this fake sunscreen instead? The SPF may be low, but the THC should be optimal! Wait…we guess that only applies if you smuggle weed in these things. Which is actually a crime. Not to mention a whole other article. Sorry. Lets move on.
Photo: John Wilkes Studio/Corbis
That’s it. Just buy a bunch of baby bottles. Turns out White Russians look just like expressed breast milk.
Chemically troubled ski bums will delight in the 8 ounces of high proofed booze, per poll, that these clever little rods can hold. Less delightful? Telling the ship’s security how psyched you are to hit the storied slopes of Jamaica.
Related: Confessions of a Cruise Ship Doctor
Photo: Smuggle Mug/Facebook
Forget about the fact that this Mary-Poppins-pourer holds 8 ounces of alcohol and comes with three leak-proof lid seals and know this: It rains a lot in the Caribbean. Also? Maybe the sun is just too much and only an umbrella will help? (But prepare to be heckled if you use the latter excuse.)
Photo: Getty Images
Last we checked, there’s no rule that says you can’t (re)build said bear with a stomach full of hollowed out stainless steal that’s able to hold containers of four to 10 ounces of swig.
Don’t like Brandy? Learn to. Or use a different liquor — we won’t tell. Don’t have a limp? Fake one. Simple as that.
This lovingly designed, four-disc salute to James Cameron’s timeless ode to…bloop, blop, bleep, etc. You get the idea. Packaging that thick can hold roughly 10 ounces of the hard stuff. And what Carnival staff member isn’t used to sappy passengers bringing that movie onboard? Fun Tip: Use the actual discs as coasters.