How To Be OK With Saying 'No'
Saying “no” can be difficult at first, but once you start doing it, the practice is liberating, experts say. (Photo: Getty Images)
“Yes” and “no” are two of the first words we learn as children. And yet, as adults, we tend to say “yes” far more often than we should. As a result, we end up overscheduled, overcommitted, and sometimes even resentful. Learning to say “no,” experts say, is one of the top ways to relieve stress and allow you to focus on what really matters to you.
WHY YOU NEED TO MAKE THE CHANGE
We tend to think we’re being nice if we do anything that people ask us to do, says Penny Levin, PhD, a clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at Temple University. “But the way it generally works out with people is that we either do more of the work in a relationship than we want to do, or we do things that the person could do for themselves, or do things that are not OK with us, and we end up feeling angry, hurt, or taken advantage of,” Levin tells Yahoo Health. “So something that we often do to be nice ends up in the long run harming relationships that are important to us.”
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In addition, when we take on too much, we end up only giving tasks part of the attention and care they deserve, explains certified triathlon coach Jennifer Harrison. This isn’t fair to the people and projects you’ve committed to, and it isn’t honoring your own top priorities.
HOW TO DO IT
For many people, saying “yes” is simply a habit, Levin says. So the first step is to break that habit. “I know that sounds almost trivial, but it’s actually quite important,” she stresses. “Often people ask us to do things and we automatically say ‘sure.’ One important item is to simply get out of the habit of saying, ‘Yes, I will do something,’ until you’ve had time to think it over.”
Some friendly ways to respond to requests, Levin suggests: “I’m more than happy to think about that,” “I’ll let you know Friday,” or, “That sounds interesting. I’ll get back to you.”
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Then, think about the task rationally: Is it a reasonable request? Is it consistent with your values and priorities? Will you regret saying “yes” later on, even though it seems like a good idea at the time?
Also, ask yourself whether or not the request is something the person could do just as easily on his or her own. “That’s one that I think people don’t often think of, but that’s one of the ways we wind up feeling taken advantage of,” Levin says.
If you need to say “no,{” remember that most of the time you don’t have to give the person an explanation for why. “People always feel like they need to justify their ‘no,’” Harrison says. “Unless it’s your mother or your spouse, you don’t need to give people explanations. The reason you say ‘no’ is not important to the other person. So just say ‘no’ and end it — you don’t have to explain yourself.”
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