Help, I'm in a sexless marriage: 'I've thought about leaving a million times but I'm still here'

Sara Kuburic, USA TODAY
·4 min read
1

Editor's note: This story was originally published in June of 2021.  

Question: I am 60 years old and my husband hasn’t had sex with me since 2008. I have tried to talk to him about it since the beginning but he always just replies "I don’t know why." I have asked him if there is someone else or if he has fallen out of love with me, and he just says "No." 

I have tried to talk him into counseling, but he won’t go. I don’t know what to do. I have thought about leaving him a million times but I am still here. Help. (Name withheld) 

Answer: The first thing you need to know is you're not alone. Many couples experience a discrepancy in sex drive, and many people feel frustrated and unsatisfied as a consequence. There is no such thing as a "normal" sex life – there are just met and unmet sexual needs. Unfulfilled needs can cause a strain on the relationship as a whole.

In case you missed: Have you been thinking about foreplay all wrong? Here's what you may be missing.

Important: Is it healthy to have sex? Is daily sex healthy? Experts answer Googled questions about sex

There can be many reasons sexual frequency may change in a relationship. Regardless of the cause, both people need to want to fix the issue.
There can be many reasons sexual frequency may change in a relationship. Regardless of the cause, both people need to want to fix the issue.

A common reaction to an undesirable decrease in our sex lives is to speculate about the “why." Did I do something wrong? It's important to reflect on how we may have contributed to the situation, but we need to remember there are a lot of reasons intimacy in a relationship may change.

Common causes for a decrease in sex include:

  • Relationship issues: Unresolved conflicts or frequent fighting can make partners feel unsafe, unseen or unloved. A lack of emotional intimacy can make them less likely to seek sexual intimacy. A decrease in sexual activity or desire can be an indication that there is a lack of connection – or vulnerability – in the relationship, rather than proof of discrepancy in sexual desire.

  • Stress and fatigue: Both of these things cause a decreased sex drive. If our bodies are busy self-regulating and grasping for moments of rest, sex becomes low-priority.   

  • Poor communication: Couples sometimes fail to communicate sexual needs or preferences (especially relating to fantasies), which can result in “bad” sex or unmet expectations that leave them feeling disinterested.

  • Alcohol consumption: Drinking – particularly large amounts over a prolonged period of time – is known to decrease libido. A glass of wine at night may relax our partners – or even get them in the mood – but alcohol in excess can make them less inclined to engage in sexual activity.

  • Medical issues: If your partner is experiencing medical issues and/or taking prescription medication, it can lead to a lower libido. Anxiety and depression, for example, decrease sex drive.

  • Self-image issues:  Sex can make some people feel vulnerable. Those who feel uncomfortable with their bodies may be less willing to have sex. 

  • Loss of attraction: In long-term relationships, continued attraction may become an issue. Appearances can change drastically with time, but, more often than not, the decline in attraction is related to the lack of excitement that comes with the familiar – rather than a change in looks.

  • Feeling secure in the relationship: Sexual activity, and especially frequency, early in the relationship can be driven by expectations and a sense of obligation. As partners become more comfortable with each other, they may become less susceptible to pressure and more aligned with their actual needs and preference, even if that is disappointing to their partner.

The truth about sex drives

Our partners may genuinely not know why their libido has dropped. And regardless, it’s important to explore how to have our needs met. Some couples explore open relationships or try different avenues to sexually please each other, which may not include actually having sex.

In some instances discrepancies in sex drive, although normal, may be irreconcilable.

But if both individuals are willing to work on rekindling their sex life, here are some tips:

  • Don’t underestimate the power of a healthy lifestyle. Developing healthy habits, sleeping enough and taking care of our bodies can help us not only feel good but also give us the energy and confidence to express ourselves sexually.

  • Emotional intimacy is incredibly important for feeling safe and wanted as well as nurturing the honest conversations that can make sex truly phenomenal. Ensuring that we are communicating, sharing, and experiencing new things with our partner is key!

  • Practice showing physical affection – hold hands, hug, give a quick kiss, etc. It may be unreasonable to have no physical intimacy and still expect sex.

  • Be curious about what brings you pleasure and what brings your partner pleasure. Communicate your desires and expectations. Give yourselves permission to try new things!

  • Seek professional help when needed. There is nothing wrong with getting extra support.

'It's not like he cheated on me': Cheating is not the only form of betrayal

Sara can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com. Click here to follow her on Instagram. 

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Low sex drive and how to cope with a change in partner's libido