How to Help a Friend Who’s Going Through Some Shit, Mental-Health-Wise
There was a moment last March when the default greeting switched all of a sudden. We all wanted to know: “How are you holding up?” Between a pandemic that continues to ravage across the country, an urgent protest movement, and a rapidly unfolding economic crisis on the eve of a crucial national election, simply trying to function in 2020 is enough to break even the seemingly strongest I’m-doing-just-great! person in your life.
The truth is, we don’t really know how anyone—including our closest friends and family—is doing unless they tell us. And even that has gotten harder as we’re still separated from our friends and loved ones. (A stock greeting on an email, no matter how well intentioned, probably isn't enough to break through.) All of this means it might be more important than ever to check in on one another.
“Any one of these challenges could have severe consequences for mental health, but together they are drawing attention to what is clearly a mental health crisis,” says Dylan Gee, a psychology professor at Yale University. “Initial data are already showing increases in mental health difficulties, and there are likely to be longer-term consequences as well.”
Even if we didn’t already live in an increasingly dystopian world, everyone needs the occasional check-in—whether social media makes it appear that way or not. So we asked Gee: how do you help a friend who is obviously (or maybe not-so-obviously) going through some shit?
1. Be ready to listen.
The first step of checking in, is, well, checking in. Everyone has a preference on how they’d like to best be approached so it’s important to be sensitive to that.
“Some people may respond well to a direct approach,” says Gee. “Gently raising the issue and stating you’re concerned also shows them that it’s okay to talk with you about mental health and helps to reduce stigma.”
On the flip side, other people may be slower to open up so easing into the conversation will be key.
“Spending time talking or doing something together can help create an opportunity for you to check in with them,” suggests Gee. “Reach out to them, offer to spend time with them. Give them a call or set up a Zoom happy hour or a socially distanced meal or hike. Perhaps most importantly, listen. Don’t invalidate or minimize what they’re going through. Let them know you’re there to support them, even if you’re not sure what they might need right then.”
2. Be careful when it comes to diagnosing.
Though it might come from a well-intentioned place, attempting to medically diagnose someone when you are not a trained professional can be potentially dangerous. (It's also what made a lot of the online chatter around Kanye feel so gross.)
“While it can be quite noticeable when someone is struggling, providing an accurate diagnosis requires professional training,” says Gee. “Mental health exists on a spectrum, and whether or not someone meets criteria for a mental health diagnosis, they may benefit from seeking help.”
3. Instead, provide them directly with resources.
Let your loved one know you’re there for them and then point them towards professional help, especially if it seems like they might inflict self-harm.
“If you think a friend might be a danger to themselves, reach out to them directly,” says Gee. “If you’re really concerned, it’s good to connect with their family members and friends as well to think about how you might best support the person as a group. Most importantly, ask your friend how they’re doing, tell them you care, and make sure they’re aware of emergency services and resources like Crisis Text Line and the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.”
4. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable yourself.
Opening up about your own personal struggles can make others feel less alone and empowered to want to seek help.
“We’re all prone, especially on social media, to imagine that another person’s life is characterized by the happiest moments they’re posting,” says Gee. “But that’s not true for anyone. Mental health exists on a spectrum, and everyone deals with some stress or tough times.”
“Some of the most helpful statements I’ve seen during the pandemic have been people posting about their own struggles, simply acknowledging that they’re struggling during this challenging time and putting it out there that they are available to talk if others need it,” she says. “That opens the conversation and increases the chance that people can be vulnerable with each other without feeling like they are burdening the other person or that someone won’t understand.”
With a brighter spotlight on mental health these past few months, Gee is hopeful that it can help to further erode stigma surrounding mental health issues. However, she points out that even if we break down stigma, there’s still critical barriers left to cross in order to receive care.
“We know that mental health disorders are real, common, and treatable,” says Gee. “One in five people has a mental health disorder. As a field we need to be tackling issues like how to disseminate high-quality care, limited representation of communities of color among our clinicians, and scaling up telehealth services. As a society, the dialogue needs to shift to policy and to fighting for mental health parity and a healthcare system that supports anyone who needs mental health care.”
If you or someone you know is experiencing mental health struggles, you can find resources and more by contacting the Crisis Text Line or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
“What makes this moment unique is that all of my clients and myself are facing the same crisis simultaneously.”
Originally Appeared on GQ
