The upcoming film The King is about the reign of King Henry V (Timothée Chalamet), which I learned after Googling “who is the king in the king.” After his father Henry IV (Ben Mendelsohn) dies, he reluctantly ascends the throne and continues to lead England in the ongoing Hundred Years' War against France. Ostensibly, it will touch on themes of power and duty and so on and so forth. But judging by the teaser trailer, it is mostly a film about the shockingly wide breadth of hairstyles available in medieval Europe, which I’d previously thought were limited to monk’s tonsures and the Anton Chigurh.
Join me as I rank them all, from "basically the bubonic plague" to "I pray our royal houses arrange a mutually beneficial political marriage."
7. John Falstaff (Joel Edgerton)
The King is based on the Shakespearian plays about Henry V (né Prince Hal), so Falstaff is a fictional character, a knight who serves as a mentor and friend to the prince. As I haven’t read the original Shakespeare, I don’t know if he described Falstaff as having “super tragic Tumblr girl TERF bangs.” (Mostly, I’m triggered because I accidentally got this haircut last spring and my bangs have only recently recovered. )
6. Henry IV (Ben Mendelsohn)
My man’s looking like Denethor in The Return of the King.
5. Guy getting beheaded (Stephen Fewell)
I don’t know who this is or why he has to die, but he has the most normal, middle-of-the road haircut here, probably courtesy of his ye olde local Sup'rcuts.
Update: I initially wrote this article without the actor or character credited. Stephen Fewell sent me an email to let me know it was him in the role of Lord Grey, writing "they did shave my head after all and it took five months to look decent again."
4. Prince Hal (Timothée Chalamet)
We get a brief flashback to a young, more carefree prince where he's got the long locks that made Timothée a household name and inspired millions of teens to beg him to run them over with his car.
3. Catherine (Lily-Rose Depp)
In 1420, Henry V married the French princess Catherine of Valois, who he obviously fell in love with because of her many beautiful dinner napkin hats.
2. King Henry V (also Timothée Chalamet)
Over the course of the one minute and 52 seconds of the trailer, the bowl cut grew on me. It has gravitas and intensity. It says "heavy is the head that wears the bowl cut" and "somebody put a bowl on my head."
1. The Dauphin of France (Robert Pattinson)
Robert Pattison's wavy lob, fling me out of a trebuchet!
GQ Cover Story
Every once in the rarest while, a young actor shows up in a movie like an alien—anonymous and yet in possession of such preternatural talent that audiences start thinking about the actor’s future not in years but in decades. Call Me by Your Name’s Timothée Chalamet is just such an alien, and just such a once-in-a-generation talent.
Originally Appeared on GQ