Today is July 4, the day when Americans celebrate America with two similarly stupid and uniquely American things: Fourth Of July fireworks shows and contests to see who can eat the most hot dogs. There’s not much to say about the former, at least until the world’s fireworks technicians invent new colors or shapes (or maybe a fun new noise), but there’s plenty to say about hot dog eating contests! Actually, not really. The guy who is famous for eating a lot of hot dogs ate a lot of hot dogs this year, just like he does every year, handily winning the Nationa’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest in New York’s Coney Island. His name is Joey Chestnut, even though it should be Joey Hotdog, and this year he broke his own world record by eating 76 hot dogs in 10 minutes. That’s too many hot dogs and too fast by any metric, but at least Joey Chestnut found the thing he’s good at. Some of us go our whole lives without becoming the Joey Chestnut of something… then again, is he The Best at eating hot dogs, or is he, like, the most efficient? Is there someone who eats hot dogs better and is judged by a different standard than just speed? Unfortunately, there’s no way to answer these questions, because Joey Chestnut and the other competitors at the Nathan’s contest only exist for this one day every year and then they fade back into oblivion.
This news comes from CNN, because some people just have to work on Sundays and that’s okay, and it says that this is the 14th time in the last 15 years that Chestnut has won the title. Also, he ate 26 more hot dogs than the person in second place, which means he really could’ve just stopped eating hot dogs and had some chips or potato salad after a while. Why are you eating so many hot dogs, Joey? You’re going to get sick! Oh, it’s too late, he already stepped through a portal back into the hot dog dimension.