Previously-Partnered People Are Sharing What The Final Straw Was In Their Past Relationship Or Marriage
This post contains mentions of emotional abuse.
There are certain moments in life that clearly indicate it's time to walk away from your relationship with a significant other.
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I recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to tell me about experiences that were their breaking points in past marriages or relationships. Here are some responses I received.
1."I wanted someone else. When I’m in a relationship I’m very monogamous, and nobody really interests me besides my partner. We had been together for over a year, and I went on a trip without him. I found myself thinking about someone else, which is not something I normally do. It was enough to tell myself that I wasn’t happy in my relationship if I’m wanting someone that isn’t them. We were young; we just grew apart."
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2."When I was writing everything he did and said down, not because I was hoping to be the next best author, but because I was so manipulated and gaslit, I didn’t know what was my reality. I came to a Reddit 'Emotional Abuse' thread explaining his behaviors, asking if they align and what I should do, and someone responded, 'You knew the answer when you searched this thread.'"
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3."We had been together for four years. We had ups but also a lot of downs. One day he said, 'Maybe we should get married.' The knot I felt in my stomach was huge. I tried to shake off the feeling, but it kept nagging. I could not see myself being with him for the rest of my life. For that time I stayed with him, hoping my feelings would change. Thankfully, he cheated on me several weeks later, so I ended things. Best decision of my life."
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4."His job that we both dislike took over our life together. He is a tech support on the phone and computer for a big company and is always being called or messaged to deal with people's problems, plus understaffed and changing time shifts. The main problem is that I saw him suffer at this job, and he hates it too, but he wouldn't quit. We had no money problem, so he totally had the opportunity to quit and relax and look for something he at least would like doing. I decided I couldn't live like this anymore, fearing for him and crying in my car and staying at my mom's to avoid seeing it."
"One day I said it, and he just shut me out completely for a week. We talked later so I could explain I wanted to live separately again but stay together like in the beginning. I guess he wanted all or nothing, and he left. That was three months ago, and I'm still so sad he abandoned me without a fight. And he still works this awful job..."
5."I decided to give him a second chance but told him that I didn’t want to tell our families we got back together yet, as I still wanted to make sure it felt right. He always struggled with respecting my boundaries. He told me a few days later that his mom was so excited that I finally took him back. That was when I knew I couldn’t do it. I gave him one boundary, and it took a few days to break it, no matter how excited and well-intentioned he was. I knew I couldn’t trust him."
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6."He admitted to me that the reason why he never took our kids anywhere or went with us was because they were all girls, and I hadn't provided him with a son and heir."
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"Yes, this prejudice is still very much alive and well in the 21st century."
7."My son with cerebral palsy (24-hour care even with no flu) had the flu, my 8-month-old daughter had the flu, and we both had the flu. I spent three days cleaning up while sick, changing bedding, changing incontinence pads, and breastfeeding a baby (and changing her) while he did nothing — literally not a thing. On the third night, I had just gotten the kids to bed and somewhat settled and had just sat on the sofa after being physically sick myself when he walked in and asked me to ring him an ambulance because he hadn't eaten for two days. He had also made me and my daughter sleep downstairs so he could sleep (to recover quicker and 'help' us), but my son was upstairs, so I was up and down like a yo-yo."
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"I, unfortunately, had no choice but to stay as I was a victim of coercive control and financial abuse, but that day my small amount of love and respect I still had disappeared. And then he wondered why I didn't cry when I eventually caught him cheating, and he said I was cold and uncaring. 🙄"
8."When, after four years of us being together, I kept asking if they wanted to be with me or if they wanted a future with me. I had always felt like an option rather than a priority, and we were both very passive and unable to communicate our wants and needs for fear of conflict. It took them actually initiating the breakup for me to realize that it was for the best."
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"We’re both working hard on ourselves and have even managed to maintain a friendship. If you ever have to seriously ask your partner if they love you or if they want to be with you, it’s a good indicator that the relationship should end."
9."I’m from Washington, D.C., and the area is where most of my family still lives. I was very upset when I heard about the January 6 insurrection, so I called him. Instead of offering comfort he decided to play devil’s advocate and compare the insurrectionists to Black Lives Matter protesters. We’d had many ideological arguments before where he chose an opposing side simply to argue, but when he did this I lost a great deal of respect for him and realized it was time for the fighting to stop."
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—Emma, 24, Washington, D.C.
10."He hit on my 13-year-old sister. He was 20."
—Anonymous, 21, Las Vegas
11."There had been infidelity and verbal abuse in our 20-year marriage, as well as multiple failed counselors and self-help books. We had been living in separate rooms in the house, and I found a recording device in my room while I was cleaning. That was when I realized there would never be any trust in our relationship. I left that day and haven’t looked back."
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—Anonymous, 42, New Jersey
12."When he got very upset with me for getting him a gift for his birthday. It had not been discussed before that he doesn’t like receiving presents, so I figured, 'Who doesn’t like a nice item that shows I was thinking of them?' He made me feel like I was horrible for getting him something and kept saying that he didn’t ask for that or that he didn’t ask me to do that."
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"Neither of our love languages are gift giving, but I didn’t realize he would be so anti-gift receiving. I was just trying to do something thoughtful for his birthday … "
13."He had a habit of being missing for days. As I couldn't drive, a coworker brought me home. He already knew about this coworker. They had done me a big favor because it was really far for them. Rather than talk to me, he called my mother and told her I was cheating on him. I have a very close relationship with my mom, so it was the last straw for me."
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14."They knew the smell of cigarettes made me feel sick. In our third year together they took up smoking and chain-smoked on a 1,300-kilometer road trip in MY vehicle while I was at home."
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—Anonymous, 38, Vancouver, British Columbia
15."After nearly five years together, he didn't get me a birthday gift — not even a card. I had gotten him a PS5 only two months previously for his birthday. When I asked him why, he said, 'Not sure. Didn't care to get one.'"
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"I stayed with him for about another month, and he dumped me because he had feelings for his roommate's girlfriend (which I accused him of previously and he adamantly denied)."
—Anonymous, 27
16."When he kept breaking up with me to 'teach me a lesson,' aka scare me into not asking questions about his disloyal behavior."
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—Maraya, 22, Colorado
17."When he was so content with not moving forward or having any type of progress in our relationship — not moving in together, only staying the night at his house, not my place. He wouldn’t even give me a key to his place. We both are in our mid-20s and had been together two years. The only thing we 'shared' was a streaming account for Peacock."
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—Anonymous, 24
18."My marriage had its infidelity, and I realized that it wasn't about me. It was his coping strategy used from years of not dealing with childhood trauma. So we worked on it through therapy. It came back (I know, I know), and while trying to work through it I realized how codependent I had become. He said he would give me time to heal and work on myself, and every time life got him he came running to me to talk. This was the part where I put my own stuff aside and help him with his. Once I had time to myself, I looked in the mirror and realized that I had deteriorated as a human. He was not good for me. So I had to let it go and be my best self. I also came to finally allow myself to realize I was gay. So there's that."
—Abby, 41, Indiana
19."My breaking point was when we were in the middle of nowhere traveling the country in our RV, and he threatened to 'take the truck (tow vehicle) and leave me stranded — see how I’d like that!' then later tried to gaslight me to believe that never happened. A couple of months later he tells me about a young woman who told him her boyfriend did something very similar to her, and he was horrified!"
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"The end was that same day after I reminded him of his behavior which, of course, he denied; DONE and never looked back. I had already stuck with it much longer than I should have."
—Anonymous, Arizona
20."I started dating my ex when I was 19 and he was 21. He seemed like he had everything figured out (college, future career, friends, the works). He drank a lot, but I remember thinking he/we are young and having fun. About two years into our relationship, I found out he was lying to me about being in college (he failed out about a year into our relationship). That should have been a big red flag for me, but I stuck around another two years (and many more lies). By that time, we were fighting all the time, and he kept telling me he was my future and couldn't imagine life without me. After one big fight, he took me to Tiffany & Co. to buy an engagement ring."
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"I realized in that moment if we got married we would be divorced within five years. I wanted more than someone who drank all the time, told big and little lies, and I didn't want to fight all the time. I deserved better, and six months later I met my now-husband."—Anonymous, 33, Ohio
21."He cheated on me with 20 different people, five of which ended up pregnant."
—Anonymous
22."I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition after the birth of our third child. It left me with severe mobility issues that flared up at random. On Christmas morning, after everyone had opened presents and had breakfast, I was cleaning up our den when I had an attack. I called my husband to help get me off the floor and set up on the couch. He came to the room about five minutes later and told me that he wanted me to prove to him that I could do this on my own because he didn't sign up to be a full-time caretaker, and he proceeded to make me crawl on the floor to the couch and pull myself up with only upper body strength."
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"That was when I realized we weren't good for each other anymore."—Anonymous, 30
23."My husband had been in and out of work, our finances were in shambles, and after he lost his most recent job I said, 'I guess I'll just get a second job,' and he said OK. That was it, I was done!"
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—Anonymous, 50, Chicago
24."We went for a road trip, and he absolutely refused to play any music of my choice. For hours it was either his playlist or no music whatsoever. Who does that?"
"BTW, it was our first road trip for test driving the relationship's potential..."
—Sue, 34, North Carolina
25."We had only been dating a year, and he got a hotel room for Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day was fine, but the next morning he needed something from front desk staff while we were walking back in. The man working was disabled and doing exactly what he was supposed to do. My boyfriend wanted him to break the rules about parking passes, and when he wouldn’t, my boyfriend got enraged and told him how stupid he was, that he couldn’t do the job and needed to be fired, and made him cry. By this time I’m embarrassed, shocked, and disgusted. I apologize to the man and walk away. My boyfriend tries to excuse the behavior, but I was done."
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"Packed up and went home, broke up with him on the phone the next day because I was worried about the rage I had seen. Got angry/abusive texts back and felt free and unbothered by them."
26."My boyfriend from high school and I dated for two and a half years. It was honestly a very toxic relationship. When we were long-distance for six months (we went to different colleges), we fought almost every day. He would shame me for not sending him explicit photos of myself exactly when he wanted them. The few times we saw each other in person, he would only pay attention to his friends. He would also tell me constantly about how other girls at his school found him attractive. While all of those were huge red flags, the final straw was when he called me at 1:00 a.m. to admit that he went over to a girl's house, and he kissed her. This was finally my chance to get out of the relationship, so I ended it that night."
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"He clearly didn't care about me because two weeks after we broke up he got a new girlfriend."
27."When, after I had brain surgery for a tumor, he stole my pain meds and blamed it on a mysterious intruder even though I was housebound. He had done NOTHING for me after surgery. This was the last straw. We had been married 19 years at the time."
—Anonymous, 52, New Jersey
28."Six years together, and realizing that I felt more like a cruise entertainment director planning activities for us rather than both being excited to go on dates. My partner never did any planning and never had an idea for the weekend. I'd have been happy if they just picked a new video game for us to play together. We'd had conversations about it several times. We had several nights endlessly scrolling through Netflix menus when I didn't plan anything. Nothing changed."
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—Ella, 31
29."I wasn't aware that he was in another relationship. Not just any relationship, though. He was engaged, and they had been together for five years. He was such a dirtbag that he ended up getting us both pregnant within a week of each other. His fiancé wanted to make it work with him, and I did not. He ended up fleeing the city anyways once our children were born. Me and her co-parent nicely now, and I'd say she's one of my best friends."
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—Brisa, 32
What moment from a past relationship or marriage was your absolute breaking point? If you feel comfortable opening up about it, tell us in the comments below.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
