How to Have Good Sex, According to a Neuroscientist

Nan Wise, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist turned neuroscientist, knows a lot about how to have good sex. In addition to the three decades she spent helping women (and men) improve their sex lives—she made history by leading a team of researchers who studied how the brain responds to sexual stimulation and orgasm, demonstrating that the Big O is associated with big benefits for the brain and body. Her work highlights the importance of pleasure, namely, that it’s not a luxury you should expect only from really good sex, but a necessary component to well-being that should be prioritized.

Dr. Nan talks about all this and more in her new Glamour column, Ask Dr. Nan, and in the following excerpt from her book Why Good Sex Matters, out this month.

Look anywhere in the media or on the streets of any major city (or suburb or small town, for that matter) and we appear to be wholly focused on pleasure. Invitations to enjoy sex, food, sports, spas, exotic vacations, romantic escapes, and game-ified apps abound, all promising a hit of relaxation, a high of excitement, an emotional or physical reprieve, and an answer to our aching need to destress. From this vantage point, an anthropologist visiting our planet might conclude that ours is a culture gluttonous for pleasure and sexually ravenous.

We should be feeling tons of pleasure. But are we really that turned on?

The answer, unfortunately, is no. What I observe daily in my clinical practice is that for all of this pleasure-seeking behavior, all this wanting of pleasure, very few of us seem able to fully experience the sensations or satisfaction we seek. Interspersed with these pleas or promises for pleasure is an equally consistent message: almost continual advertisements for antidepressant and antianxiety medications. One in five Americans will experience an episode of mental illness, while the rates of major depression and anxiety disorders steeply rise.

This is where my work comes in. The experience of pleasure can be described as sexual and sensual but also intellectual and fanciful, physical and emotional. The brain is not only the command center for sex; it’s also a generator of pleasure. This is why for the past 12 years I have been working in the lab to study what happens in the brain during sex.

Like many a scientist before me, I began my research by using myself as a guinea pig for my own studies. I spent endless hours conducting brain-imaging studies of women having orgasms in the fMRI in order to understand more about how pleasure—in the ultimate form of an orgasm—plays out in the brain, showing that an orgasm not only feels good but is good for us.

I have gleaned seven lessons from my own research and work with clients about how to have good sex and why it matters. These lessons apply to all of us who want to leave anhedonia—the inability to feel pleasure—behind and truly embrace our sexual potential.

1. Don’t judge your erotic self.

Learn to love your body, exactly as it is. This is one of the biggest lessons, mentioned by nearly all of my participants. Become curious about your sexuality and explore what turns you on. Learn to embrace your unique erotic fingerprint—your sexual style reflecting how typically think about, experience, and desire sex—whatever it is. Sex is our willingness to be sexual beings, however that shows up. Remember first and foremost that good sex is about being present.

2. Tune in.

Shift your focus inward to listen closely to what you want and what your body yearns for. What are your fantasies? How do you like to be touched? Why not explore all areas of your body that can give you pleasure? As Beverly Whipple, my beloved mentor, and world-renowned expert on sexual health recommends, become keenly aware of what pleases you across the senses beyond touch—don't forget about sounds and tastes. Paying attention to sensations is key for pleasurable sex. If your mind wanders and starts to get into “spectatoring” mode—becoming goal-directed or self-conscious—simply notice that without judgment, letting those thoughts be exactly as they are while you bring your attention back to the senses.

3. Be patient about getting turned on.

When you want to have intercourse, don’t begin until you and/or your partner are sufficiently aroused. Allow the sex to unfold without rushing into it. Although this advice may seem simplistic, it’s hugely important to experiencing the pleasure of sex. Slow down and savor the sensations. Let them build. Enjoy the journey without concern about the destination.

4. Stay connected to your partner.

Often the best way to connect is by going beyond words. Simply do what people who are in the ecstatic state of new romantic love spend tons of time doing—eye gazing. Look into your partner’s eyes and breathe with your partner while sitting silently. See the person in front of you, the person you fell in love with. Spoon your partner, hold them, and synchronize your breath to synchronize your nervous systems. This actually works. We are like tuning forks and go into “cardiac entrainment” with lovers when we settle into the connection. Good sex is connected sex.

5. Take risks.

We often feel hesitant to speak up with partners about parts of ourselves that we think they will judge or worry that, if we tell them how we truly feel, we will hurt them. We tend to play it safe when in doubt. But another way to look at this is that there is a risk to not taking risks. If we don’t explore some of the scarier places with our partners, if we don’t explore the corners of our erotic selves, we tend to shut down and stagnate. And stagnation, itself, is dangerous to relationships. Sexual potential unfolds when we bring all of ourselves into the mix. We are always, always shifting and changing and growing. Taking the risk to reveal how these changes impact us, our thoughts, our fears, our feelings, even our fantasies tends to revitalize the partnership.

6. Prioritize pleasure.

Allow sex to play a larger role in your life. Seeking pleasure that feels good and is good for us—what I call healthy hedonism—is not a luxury but a necessity for a healthy, balanced emotional brain. And sex is a potent form of healthy hedonism. Make time for sex, expand your notion of what sex is, nurture it, and explore it. It’s a journey without an end.

7. Embrace the transformative nature of sex.

Because of the blend of emotional and physical drivers of sex, any type of sexual experience or activity has the capacity to stir up all kinds of emotions. One of the most important lessons for good sex, and also good relationships, is to learn how to more fully tolerate our feelings, other people’s feelings, and our feelings about other people’s feelings. Sometimes the most challenging feelings to tolerate, believe it or not, are intense feelings of pleasure—which for some can feel scarily out of control. When we can learn to simply allow the feelings to be as they are, stay present to ourselves and to each other, the experiences we can have with and through sex can be truly healing and can revitalize our mind, body, and spirit. It is a tangible form of connection to others, a source of immune-boosting energy, and a vast reservoir for pleasure.

This essay has been condensed and adapted for Glamour from Why Good Sex Matters by Nan Wise, Ph.D. © 2020 by Nan Wise. Reproduced by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. All rights reserved.

Nan Wise, Ph.D., is AASECT-certified sex therapist, neuroscientist, certified relationship expert, and author of Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. Follow her @AskDoctorNan.

Originally Appeared on Glamour