Going on a first date? Make sure to ask these questions.

Most people go on a date with the intention to get to know someone. It sounds simple enough, but it’s not always easy. I find that most people – especially on a first date – are preoccupied with trying to “show” themselves and pay little attention to who and what the other person is showing them (and many of us don't even know what to look for).

People are so busy planning what to say next that they don’t listen to what the other person had said. Even though we may want to put our best foot forward (and there is nothing wrong with that), it cannot be the entire focus of the conversation. It’s important to switch our mindset from “what can I say, be or do so they like me?” to “I wonder who they are and if they align with who I am?”

If you are struggling to come up with questions for a first date, start by exploring what you want to know about the other person. Are there deal breakers or red flags you are curious about?

Is it a deal breaker?: The most common relationship-ending conflicts.

Expectations management: 'How can I understand I don't have to sleep with someone for them to like me? I keep forgetting.'

Questions may vary on the setting and context of your date: Is this a mutual friend? Do you work with them? Have you been texting for a while? It's important to ask questions you feel comfortable with and genuinely want to know the answers to.

If you're feeling stuck, here are some suggestions of questions you can ask to actually get to know someone:

  • How do you like to unwind?

  • What is your favorite memory as a child?

  • What are people surprised to learn about you?

  • What is the social situation you try to avoid?

  • How do you like to spend your free time?

  • What is an irrational fear that you have?

  • What wrong assumptions do people often make about you?

  • How do you act when you're angry? Tired?

  • What is your best friend like?

  • What are you grateful for?

  • What are some of your life-altering moments?

  • When was the last time you felt loved?

  • Where do you derive your meaning in life?

  • What are you looking for in a relationship?

  • How would you describe yourself in three words?

  • What is your pet peeve?

  • Where do you envision yourself five years from now?

  • What relationship patterns have you noticed in your life?

Put a label on it: How to avoid being in a situationship.

Asking questions alone is not enough to establish a connection. I had a lovely chat with Elizabeth Earnshaw, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of “I Want This To Work” about first date conversations. Elizabeth remarks that our responses to our date's answers are just as important as the questions themselves.

“Date conversations are best when you show interest, rather than feel pressure to be interesting. When people try to be interesting they offer “shift responses” – responses that turn the conversation away from the person sharing and back to themselves.

Many of us feel the pressure to “win” someone over by making sure they are impressed by us, but genuine interest often grows when people feel heard and seen. How we respond to their answers can make all the difference!

Standing up for yourself: How to set relationship boundaries.

There is a difference between shifting our responses and actually offering a supportive response. Here is an example Elizabeth offers:

Your date: I used to live in Houston, but I recently moved to Philadelphia.

You (shift): Oh yeah, I moved a few years ago too. I was living in California.

Instead, try:

Your date: I used to live in Houston, but I recently moved to Philadelphia.

You (support): “Oh wow! What were you doing in Houston?”

Elizabeth points out that supportive responses tend to "show interest or excitement, pride or curiosity about an experience." They might sound like:

  • “Wow! When did you decide to…?” (background)

  • “Was that always something you were interested in?” (background)

  • “How did you make such a big move on your own?” (curiosity)

  • “Wow, I’m so impressed, do you know how cool that is?” (pride)

  • “Wow! What do you think you’re looking forward to the most about living in a new city?” (excitement)

Allow yourself to see the other person for who they are rather than who you may want them to be, by asking questions and engaging with their answers. And, like with anything else in life – remember – communication and dating take practice!

Speak up: How to communicate your sexual desires to your partner – without feeling awkward

Searching for love?Here's what to look for in a partner.

Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: First date? Ask these questions to see relationship potential