Gender Neutral Pronouns May Seem Like A New Thing, But They Aren’t
When it comes to gender neutral pronouns, forget what you were taught in school. Most English textbooks teach pronouns limited to the gender binary. So, you're probably already familiar with "she/her/hers," "he/him/his," and the plural "they/their," which is used to refer to a group of people. But that was likely the extent of your pronoun education.
Over the last 10 to 20 years, there's been an increased awareness of identities and pronouns that don't subscribe to the gender binary. While gender neutral pronouns may be a relatively new addition to your pronoun vocabulary, the reality is, these have been around since at least the tail end of the 18th century. "They have a long history, and also a long history of being ignored," says Dennis Baron, professor of English and linguistics at the University of Illinois and author of What's Your Pronoun? Beyond He and She. But more on that later.
As society becomes more accepting, people are mindful of gender issues and inclusivity—making it easier for others to live theirs truths and helping normalize the use of gender neutral pronouns. People have overcome the initial hurdle of acknowledging and legitimatizing this new word and now want to learn more about gender neutral pronouns and make sure they're using them right. And when people start being concerned about correctness, that signals that these pronouns are on their way toward wider adoption, says Baron.
Because most current adults didn't grow up using language this way, adding gender neutral pronouns to your daily conversations can seem a bit confusing at first. To clear up any questions you may have (and it's totally okay if you do), here's what's important to know about gender neutral pronouns.
What are gender neutral pronouns?
First, let's define what pronouns are. "Pronouns are the shortcuts we use to identify ourselves and others without specifically using given names," says Tracy Marsh, PhD, faculty member for Walden University’s PhD in Clinical Psychology program. Thing is, pronouns are traditionally gendered—think "she" or "him."
Gender neutral pronouns, also known as neopronouns, are pronouns that stray away from this idea, meaning they don't specify a person's gender. For some folks, gender neutral pronouns better align with their gender identity, explains Marsh. "Rather than using 'him' or 'her,' a person [may use] 'they,' 'ze,' or 'xe.'"
Why are gender neutral pronouns used?
You should use gender neutral pronouns whenever you are speaking with or referring to someone who uses them, says Marsh. "For example, if your friend or colleague states that they use the pronouns they/them/theirs, you would refer to that person in the following ways: 'They joined us for dinner last night,' or 'They were delighted with themselves for how great the dessert tasted,' or 'It was their homemade recipe.'"
Gender neutral pronouns can also be used in spaces where someone doesn't want to make an assumption about another person's gender or gender identity, says Heath Fogg Davis, Director of Gender, Sexuality, and Women's Studies at Temple University and author of Beyond Trans: Does Gender Matter?. In this case, you might use a gender neutral pronoun in the workplace, a school setting, or other spaces where gender may not be relevant to what's being discussed. Davis says he personally does this when he's teaching in order to de-emphasize the sex binary.
Using gender neutral pronouns broadly when you're not sure of another person's pronouns can be a powerful way to avoid making assumptions about someone’s gender or gender identity, adds Marsh.
Another reason people may use gender neutral pronouns? They simply don't believe in gender or don't want to conform to the ideals or expectations people place on gender, says Davis.
Are gender neutral pronouns a new thing?
It may seem so because it feels like they've become more mainstream over the last few years. "Awareness of diverse pronouns has been growing. A recent Pew Research Center survey found that most adults in the U.S. are at least familiar with the concept, and roughly one in five know someone who uses gender neutral pronouns," Marsh says.
But gender neutral pronouns aren't new. In fact, they go way, way back, says Baron. "'They' is popular now as a non-binary pronoun for people who are trans, non-binary, or gender-nonconforming. But singular 'they' has always been a popular device for writers when gender is unknown, irrelevant, or when it needs to be concealed to protect the anonymity of a person you’re talking about," explains Baron, who notes the singular "they" has actually been in use in the English language since the 14th century.
Another thing that may surprise you: "They/them" isn't the only gender-neutral pronoun. Other gender neutral pronouns that are also starting to garner public awareness include "xe/xem," "ze/zim," and "sie/hir." They're used to identify people who don't conform to the binary. But Baron says that he's personally aware of more than 200 coined gender neutral or non-binary pronouns: "The earliest coined pronouns I found are E, es, and em, created in 1841 by a doctor, Francis A. Brewster, who also wrote a grammar book."
Thon is another. "Thon was coined in 1858 by Charles Converse, a well-known American hymn writer, though it wasn’t widely publicized until the 1880s," says Baron. And the list can go on and on.
These other pronouns aren't as common as "they/them," though. "In my view, singular 'they' has proved its success. It’s used by people who care about gender inclusiveness. It’s used by people who reject the idea of gender inclusiveness. And it’s used by people who don’t think about gender inclusiveness at all," explains Baron.
How do I use gender neutral pronouns in a sentence?
The way you use gender neutral pronouns in a sentence really depends on your preference, but there seem to be established patterns, explains Baron.
Right now, it seems most people follow established grammar rules, so you can treat the singular 'they' as if it's plural. For example, if you want to say that a person who uses gender neutral pronouns is heading out somewhere, you can say something like, "They are going to the restaurant," or "They will be attending the event tonight."
If you want to use an honorific, which are words like "Sir/Madam," or "Mr./Ms.," a common one that has emerged is "Mx," which removes the assumption of any kind of gender from the word.
How do I pronounce different gender neutral pronouns?
One of the problems that gender neutral pronouns face in terms of general public acceptance is that it's not always clear how you're supposed to pronounce them, Baron notes. Acceptance includes respecting people enough to want to be right when you refer to them.
That said, there's no rulebook in the pronunciation of gender neutral pronouns. Most people will look at these words written out and apply what they intuitively know about English pronunciation, says Baron.
So, don't panic about pronunciation! If you're unsure how to pronounce these pronouns—and there are variations—the best practice is to ask someone. Another suggestion is to follow a pronunciation pattern. "One analogy is if you have 'he,' and you have 'she,' then you have 'ze'. And for 'zie', you could probably say 'ze' as well," Baron explains. "Or you could go with an analogy to the words you already know like, xenophobia."
What are neopronouns, and who can use them?
Essentially the same thing as gender neutral pronouns, neopronouns are new (neo) pronouns used in place of the common gender binary pronouns of "she," "he," or "they." But Baron doesn't "like to call them neopronouns because, as someone who studied the history, I know that they're not new—their popularity is newish."
It's a term a lot of people use for the coined pronouns, including "xe/xem/xyr," "ze/hir/hirs," and "ey/em/eir." Anyone can use neopronouns, but oftentimes transgender, non-binary, and gender nonconforming people adopt these kinds of pronouns.
How can a person's choice of gender neutral pronouns reflect their culture?
At first, the major concern of people who don't identify in the tradition gender binary was to be generally accepted and able to exist and live how they want to, says Baron. The specific language took sort of a backseat, but in recent years, it's become more prevalent and substantial in the fight for awareness and acceptance. Pronouns have become symbolic of inclusion and exclusion.
Pronouns are embedded in what we loosely call the culture wars, explains Baron. Pronouns, and gender neutral pronouns in particular, reflect a worldview. "It's how you see yourself in the world, and how you see other people in the room," says Baron. "But that’s the job of pronouns; they include and exclude."
The pronoun’s inherent and true form is an inclusion and exclusion, a classification. Pronouns refer to who you’re talking to or who you’re talking about, and vice versa. They are an identification system; and you can identify as belonging to a particular group. And a group, by definition, separates. "That’s a group’s form; that’s how they work socially, and that’s how they work linguistically," Baron adds.
What is the most common gender neutral pronoun?
Statistically, the most-used gender neutral pronoun is "they."
"Surveys of non-binary or self-identified non-binary or trans individuals tend to indicate that 'they' is the most common non-binary pronoun," affirms Baron.
How do I learn someone’s pronouns?
One of the best ways to learn someone’s pronouns is to lead with your own, say both Marsh and Davis. "Whether you prefer traditional or neopronouns, stating your pronouns when introducing yourself or as part of your email signature sends a message that you are sensitive to and supportive of gender diversity," Marsh explains.
After stating your own pronouns, the other person might volunteer theirs, but if they don't, you can also ask about them. Marsh recommends your conversation sound something like this: "Hi, my name is Tracy. I go by she/her/hers. How would you like me to refer to you?"
Not everyone will feel comfortable or safe having this conversation, adds Marsh, and that's okay. It's important you're respectful of the other's persons boundaries and feelings.
If using gender neutral pronouns seems difficult or frustrating to you because you're not used to it, just practice. Since they aren't usually taught in school, it can take a while for them to become a natural part of your conversation style, meaning you have to be more mindful of others' preferences, says Marsh. But one way to practice is to add them into your everyday conversation. "Try using the terms 'friends,' 'guests,' or 'colleagues' rather than 'ladies and gentlemen,' 'boys and girls,' or 'hey guys.' In doing so, your efforts contribute to creating a more inclusive and diverse society for everyone," Marsh suggests.
Why is it important to respect people who go by gender neutral pronouns?
Describing someone by the pronouns they wish to be identified by shows that you respect a person's freedom to identify the way they want, says Davis. It also shows that you understand that gender identity is more complex and fluid than traditional pronouns allow it to be, adds Marsh. "By asking and using someone’s preferred gender pronoun, you are treating them with honor and respect. Many of us know someone who asks to be called by a variant of their given name, such as 'Bill' rather than 'William.' Insisting on calling that person William would be seen as disrespectful and hurtful," says Marsh.
Davis adds that using gender neutral pronouns can also minimize the risk of you misgendering someone, and consequently, making them feel devalued or disrespected. The golden rule applies to pronouns, too.
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