I gave up on having mom friends after my divorce. Instead, I'm focusing on what my kids need.
My family moved from New York City to Texas, and I quickly tried to make new mom friends.
As a stay-at-home mom, I was hyper-involved in my kids' activities.
After I got divorced, I decided to prioritize myself instead of those temporary friendships.
When I was married, a stay-at-home mom, and had recently arrived in Texas from Manhattan, I quickly made plenty of mom friends. I was a regular volunteer with other moms and was proud to be the PTA secretary and made a 5-hole golf course out of cardboard, a cat, pumpkin, haunted house, skeleton, and witch's brew themed, for my son's classroom Halloween party. I packed what seemed like a thousand goodie bags. I funded the inflatable obstacle racer at the fall festival, and I was room mom multiple times.
But a year after my divorce, I decided I didn't need a long list of friends I knew through my children.
I had to restart my life after my divorce
My ex and I had moved to a wealthy school zone, but after the divorce, my income was drastically less than those families I used to hang out with. That, paired with having to change my kids from school during the pandemic, didn't help me build new friendships with other moms.
I suddenly couldn't keep up with the expenses of my mom-friend life. I couldn't spare the costs during playdate outings, I couldn't provide a kind gesture of ice cream on my dime, or offer to host an afternoon excursion, not when painting ceramic for two kids costs over $50.
It's not only the economic differences. Being around moms who are fortunate to have extra time with their children and access to a lifestyle much beyond my means is an emotional reminder of divorce grief. It was a constant reminder of everything I didn't have.
I often couldn't relate to other moms
I remember, after the school musical, I replied to another mom about a playdate casually, "Let's connect next week; my children are with their father now," and we exchanged numbers. What follows is explaining the limitations and coordination of being a divorced parent.
Also, listening to other moms vent about parenting stresses feels different now when I will miss my children incredibly after dropping off on Sunday.
What has helped is allowing myself to set boundaries and deciding the group text can wait. I know I can engage when I want to and tune out the gossip and discussions about things that do not relate to my reality and priorities. I keep conversations at activities friendly but brief to protect my mental health.
I focus on what makes me feel capable and strong, returning to my old dreams left behind before parenthood. Now that my kids are a little older, I'm dusting off writing projects and rediscovering my passions for art, music, and nature, which light me up inside and make me feel young again.
Of course, it's important to know the parents of my children's friends and exchange numbers when necessary, like at a sleepover or birthday party, and you will hear me cheering loudly for my kids' teams at their games and activities. I'll admire their fancy handbags while joking for a moment about the humidity and wishing a mom well at her tennis class, but it's in the background of why I'm here. I'm here for my kids, not for the friendships.
After tying up my daughter's ponytail before game time, I'm not missing her three-pointer, and my son's smile after his soccer goal continuously rests in my heart. I'm comfortable in the outfield of the motherhood social scene.
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