45 Funny And Relatable Tweets About Dogs

My dog is in the other room so I’m looking at pictures of her.

— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) July 25, 2019

People who say "It's just a dog" don't understand how having a dog in your life works

— EnvyDaTropic™ (@envydatropic) April 14, 2017

The #1 thing you can do to improve your life in just a matter of seconds is put a bandanna on your dog.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) August 18, 2019

I accidentally stepped on my dog’s paw and she yelped, so I’ll just be here, questioning what kind of monster I am and crying all day.

— Stacey (@skittle624) December 17, 2018

Not sure how to explain to my dog that every pit bull doesn't want to be his friend, especially when I haven't quite learned that lesson myself

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 17, 2019

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you're lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that? pic.twitter.com/XMXnlPaWNO

— Tim (@Playing_Dad) August 21, 2019

Why do I feel the need to cover my dog with a blanket when he’s sleeping?

— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) June 11, 2019

Almost tripping me is not just my dog's hobby, it's also his passion.

— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) August 17, 2019

I just reached over and stroked the pedestal of a table bc I thought it was my dog, who is 3000 miles away and I’m in a hotel room help this is how it starts

— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) August 16, 2019

My dog chewed the squeaker out of a toy and is carrying it around the house like the heart of a slain enemy.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 2, 2018

I always wanna go up to ppl's dogs & say "OMG I'm such a huge fan of your work. I've been following it since over there." *points 7 ft away*

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 13, 2016

I hate going to the dog park because I have to watch my dog be better at making friends than me

— Drew Lynch (@TheDrewLynch) May 17, 2017

I don't tell other people their dog is cute in front of my dog.

— EnvyDaTropic™ (@envydatropic) July 29, 2019

After all these years of the vacuum not killing my dog she still doesn’t trust it.

— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) March 23, 2019

what do you call a friend that doesn't like dogs?

you don't

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) April 21, 2017

my dog just released a fart that slowed down my wifi.

— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) March 11, 2019

nice dog. Sure would be a shame if someone were to...pet it for like 40 minutes

— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 3, 2016

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

— Stacey (@skittle624) August 17, 2019

I only work out so I'm strong enough to hold every breed of dog like a baby.

— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) August 10, 2015

My dog stole a wedge of cheese and slunk off to eat it under the dining room table, and I've never been more convinced he could be my biological son.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 1, 2019

I’m late to work cuz I followed this dog for 3 blocks in the wrong direction pic.twitter.com/OmgiWyQZqm

— Paris (@sweatingalready) April 30, 2018

It’s truly crazy how all dogs die except for my dog who will never die.

— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) March 25, 2019

If there is a dog in the office, my immediate new title becomes Chief Officer of Where Is Dog

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) November 2, 2016

In 34 years I've said I love you to two women and every dog I've ever seen.

— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) April 1, 2016

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, "You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends"

— Julia Galef (@juliagalef) July 17, 2018

911 "What's your emergency?"

Me "Um, yes, I can't see my dog on the live feed monitor. Was wondering if you'd stop by and check on him?"

911 *click*

— EnvyDaTropic™ (@envydatropic) August 14, 2019

every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby

— dalton day (@lilghosthands) September 10, 2017

Me: It says here that having a dog can add years to your life.

Dog: Then it's in your interest to keep me happy, isn't it?

— The Personification of Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) March 23, 2015

Me to my parents: "see ya later"

Me to my dog: "bye, I love you so much, I'll miss you, see you soon puppers, love you, bye!!!" Repeat x7

— Jordyn (@jordynhalls) May 15, 2017

Hi, I spend 3 minutes every day choosing a TV channel to leave on for my dog, then I go to work and people take me seriously as an adult.

— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) November 4, 2014

In this age of horrible headlines every hour, I feel bad for anyone who doesn't have a dog to cry on

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 21, 2018

sorry i didn't txt u back my dog was watching youtube on my phone

— one of ur hoes (@miliondollameat) May 22, 2017

My dog just posts up like he’s in the club judging ppl pic.twitter.com/7dECkhW7qY

— BV (@bvbillionaire) August 23, 2018

Having a dog is like being on a nonstop date with the guy who only asks "You gonna finish that?"

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 19, 2015

These two dogs just started barking at my dog and I couldn't let my boi be outnumbered so I started barking too

— Shotbymojo📸 (@CainenAvery) April 27, 2017

My dog has started sleeping in front of the door so I can't leave without him & honestly, nice strategy, homie.

— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) May 11, 2019

wife: "no"
me: "its a good name"
wife: "keith we're not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking"
me:
wife:
me: "woofie goldberg"

— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) March 3, 2017

2-year-old: The dog ate my toast!

Me: How did he get it?

2: I gave it to him.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2018

*petting a dog*

me: pls cure my depression

dog: bork

me: thanks

— common sad girl (@sadgirlkms) May 10, 2017

I have moved into apartments after less careful consideration than my dog gives where she's going to poop on the sidewalk.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 12, 2016

All this time I thought I needed more willpower to get in shape. Turns out what I really needed was a dog who barks relentlessly untill he gets his daily walk.

— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 14, 2019

FURTHER PROOF DOGS R MAGIC: i was about to google an ex & my friend's dog ran over, put her paw on my keyboard, & looked deeply into my soul

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 15, 2016

Me: Don't lick the dog!

3-year-old: He licked me first.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 24, 2017

[me passing literally any dog] wow there it is,, the world's best dog

— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) October 27, 2016

[1st date]
Maybe next time i could meet your dog

[2nd date]
Your dog is so cool

[3rd date]
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you

— Lazy dog (@LaziestCanine) October 22, 2015