25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (June 22 - July 6)

Me: *just finished cleaning toilets*

Husband: can I pee in our bathroom?

Me: no

Husband:

Me: you can pee outside

— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) July 4, 2020

80% of marriage is repeating yourself.

I SAID 80% OF MARRIAGE IS REPEATING YOURSELF.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 2, 2020

My wife: Can I ask you a question?

Me: Can you tell me what this is in regards to before I decide?

— Lucy Bexley 🏳️‍🌈 (@bexley_lucy) June 30, 2020

Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 1, 2020

Me: [watching TV at a reasonable volume]

Text msg from wife at Target halfway across town: WOULD YOU TURN THAT DOWN

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) June 22, 2020

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) July 4, 2020

I’ve realized I’m at the point in my marriage where I assume that any time my husband disappears, he’s probably off taking a shit. If he ever goes missing I’m going to be on the news like:

Reporter: You didn’t look for him for two days

Me: I figured he was REALLY constipated

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) June 29, 2020

Get married and have kids and then hopefully you too can one day say things like, “I’m sorry I micromanaged the way you braided our daughter’s doll’s hair”.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) July 2, 2020

My wife went into CVS to get two things. She’s been in there for an hour so I assume her receipt is still printing.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 28, 2020

My wife is 5 feet 2 inches tall. I always wanted a short wife. Now I can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.

— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) July 2, 2020

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 4, 2020

Sitting on the couch on our phones:

Me - Hey, can we have
Wife - We'll talk about tomorrow night's dinner tomorrow.
Me - ...k.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) July 3, 2020

Not to brag or anything but my wife likes me better after I've had my coffee in the morning.

— Forward March (@RunOldMan) June 25, 2020

Only having to take the dog out every other poop is reason enough to get married.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 1, 2020

Instead of asking my husband to do something, I just casually mention 300 times that it needs to be done and hope he picks up what I’m putting down. And so far, this strategy has been wildly unsuccessful.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 3, 2020

Husband: *crying* Please let me go.

Me: *parallel parking*

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 30, 2020

The best thing about being married is having clothes that match.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) June 24, 2020

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 24, 2020

My husband did the grocery shopping today. Apparently we'll be eating nothing but Spam and pork rind sandwiches for the foreseeable future.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) July 3, 2020

Wife: Why can't you put your dishes in the dishwasher?

Also my wife: OMG not like that

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 2, 2020

Wife: How do you feel this morning?

Me, who had one drink three weeks ago: Terrible.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 28, 2020

Me: Hey babe! What’s for dinner!

Wife: Fuck cooking, Taco Bell.

Me: Ohh thank God, no argument for once.

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) July 1, 2020

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

— Nonchalant Charlotte (@jellybnbonanza) July 1, 2020

My husband just picked his socks up off the floor so I guess he wants sex now.

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻‍♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 29, 2020

Husband: We should talk about the credit card bill.

Me: Unfriend

H: This isn’t Facebook.

Me: Block

H: This isn’t Twitter.

Me: SWIPE LEFT.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 22, 2020