25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Jan. 14-27)

My wife gets mad if we put the milk back in the fridge with only one sip left which is weird based on all her 96% empty shampoo bottles.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 14, 2020

Me: It’s the next exit.

Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 18, 2020

My grocery list is just my husband writing down things he thinks we need and me writing down where that thing is already located in our house.

— Some Boys' Mother (@someboysmother) January 19, 2020

Establish dominance in your marriage by being the first one to say “what’s for dinner.”

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 22, 2020

My husband declined breadsticks at Olive Garden thank god the bathroom is by the front door so I can ditch this lame ass date

— motherducker (@houseandhens) January 22, 2020

Get married and have kids so you can sext your spouse during the day but then end up with a kid or two in your bed all night and no actual sex.

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) January 18, 2020

My wife has eleven different sighs and I have to know what each one means.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 26, 2020

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) January 16, 2020

Sure, Meghan Markle talked a prince into giving up royalty but I got my husband to stop giving me dutch ovens so pretty much same.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) January 19, 2020

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG STOP I AM NOT IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 15, 2020

WIFE: i had a weird dream. it was about your ex-wife, and your sister was there.

ME: okay. let’s keep that to yourself forever.

— Stone (@StoneAgeRadio13) January 17, 2020

Get married so your wife can correct your pronounc.. pronun.... prunoon... the way you say things

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 21, 2020

Driving home this evening and the wife just pulled out chocolate from a secret stash in her car.

I’m asking for a divorce since she didn’t find it necessary to share this glorious idea with me, another woman!

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) January 19, 2020

Being married means pretending to care about the life stories of your spouse’s coworkers, when you couldn’t even pick them out of a lineup.

— Dad Bits (@DadBits) January 26, 2020

When it's 10am and your husband is still in bed, it is perfectly acceptable to tell your kids there are chocolate bars in his nightstand.

— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) January 18, 2020

My wife got really mad at me today because I called a plumber to get a quote for a toilet in the living room, pfft like she wouldn't use it.

— Forward March (@RunOldMan) January 25, 2020

Husband- There’s no way you could have finished all that cake by yourself
Me- *tearfully* You have no idea how high I can fly

— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) January 21, 2020

The problem with insta stories is that when my wife is out of town she can see that I'm wearing her sweater on stage.

— jess salomon (@jess_salomon) January 15, 2020

Husband: *Grabs a throw pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) January 23, 2020

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 20, 2020

I'm at the store and my wife texted me to pick her up something called hair nourishing elixir, so I'll be home sometime tomorrow.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) January 15, 2020

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

— Paige Byerly (@paigebyerly) January 26, 2020

My wife called me earlier today to ask me if I wanted to come home for lunch for a “quickie”,I had to politely tell her that I would love to but it’s pronounced “quiche”

— Super Mark (@supermarkusa) January 21, 2020

Love is letting your husband have the leftover Cajun chicken Alfredo and also not divorcing him when he drops the whole thing on the floor

— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) January 21, 2020

My wife decided her perfect Friday night is 2 glasses of wine and in bed by nine so I guess we now have a catchy motto to live by.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 25, 2020