Amazon reviews are one of the internet's trusty guideposts. We rely on them to help us decide everything from the perfect frying pan to novelty inflatable food. Not all reviews, however, are created equal. Like any writing, there are categories: some are simple and to the point. ("As described, five stars.") Some are incredibly detailed and include updates to previous updates, complete with photo documentation.
And some are just plain bizarre. Sometimes, the writer is serious. Sometimes, they're clearly having fun. And, at least most of the time, we think we can tell. Occasionally, products like the infamous banana slicer, become targets for funny reviews. Other times, we find them randomly tucked away alongside otherwise normal ones. Ahead, some of the wackiest, weirdest, and most laugh-out-loud reviews we've found for Amazon's kitchen products. Beware, you may never look at a banana slicer the same way again.
"For my entire life, I've left bananas unprotected. Sitting on the kitchen counter like a toddler in the middle of the freeway. Of course I worried about them. How would the delicate peel shield these wonderful treats from the unpredictable mayhem of my kitchen? Hundreds of times I have taken a banana with me without so much as a paper bag to defend it. Actually, It was normal for people of my generation to even drive with a banana riding shotgun, unbuckled. I cringe when I think about it. Since buying the banana bunker (yellow of course, holla!) I transport bananas with reckless abandon. I throw my bunkered bananas at co-workers, neighborhood kids and passing cars. Everything I always wanted to do with a banana, but feared for the bananas integrity, I am able to do now. I think everybody should have one. Mother's Day shopping just got a heck of a lot easier! Thank you, Banana Bunker!" —RC3
Compact Impact Banana Bunker, $9.95, available at Amazon. More
"They will pry this miraculous frozen treat [...] (that satisfies my 'iron-deficient-ice-binging' body AND my 'lactose intolerant, bowel-contorting, but still ice cream-desiring' sweet tooth. (Oh and special thanks to whichever of my ancestors decided that passing on the gene for lactose tolerance was optional. A******s)), device out of my cold, dead hands before they can take it away from me." —Celina Knippling
Chef'n Sweet Sot Instant Ice Cream Maker, $45.98, available at Amazon. More
"The price was unbelievably inexpensive. It arrived approximately one month after ordering. When it did arrive one peeler was broken. OMG! A little bubble wrap might have helped to keep them safe. I'm not a quitter though. Still embracing my positive persona. I washed the peeler and handled the peeler as if it were the jewel from the Titanic. I steadied myself with plump orange in hand, ready to peel the luscious fruit of my hard earned labor and what happened next...was just short of miraculous. As a single tear streamed down my cheek... I effortlessly peeled until the juices were welcomed with awe and satisfaction. Channeled my inner Rafiki, holding my wee Simba orange above my head as I chanted, hakuna matata & danced in the street. Yes, orange peeler you've found your home." —debfx
Fox Run Orange Peeler, Set of 2, $1.24, available at Amazon. More
"This thing is hilarious and I laugh like a fool when I use it.
My wife doesn't share my enthusiasm for it, she scowls and glares whenever she sees it. She constantly refers to it as a waste of money, I think she is plotting my death." —Myles A. Berwick
Rollie Rollie Egg Cooker, $19.99, available at Amazon. More
"I used it to cap a bottle of white wine; put it in the fri[dge] for a day. When I went to remove for a drink the next night; the penis remained in the bottle. his penis is now at the bottom of the bottle. " –Peter D. Zych
Happy Man Novelty Bottle Stopper, $6.40, available at Amazon. More
"What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn't already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day's banana slices. It's one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old "I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?" and of course, "You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!" These are the things that can destroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That's when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we've even incorporated it into our lovemaking.
THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER!" —Mrs Toledo
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, $5.89, available at Amazon. More
"I found I had to cut back on the amount of salt in any given recipe because my tears of loneliness often over-seasoned whatever dish I happened to be heating." —Amazon Customer
Pelican Publishing Microwave Cooking For One, $12.63, available at Amazon. More
"Great gift for the right person" —Philip Girata
K.O. Enterprises Giant Gummy Bear Mold, $14.95, available at Amazon. More
"It's very hard to elaborate on this product. Truth be told... it's a box... with wooden coffee sticks. In my mind that's better for the environment than plastic ones. The price was right. So I bought it.
DISCLAIMER: I'm giving Royal the benefit of the doubt on this one. I have not actually counted the contents of the box. There could be 980 sticks or 1005 sticks. I'd never know. But by my eyeball... let's just say, it looks like a 'whole mess of sticks.'" —S. Lewis
Royal 1000 Count Wood Coffee Beverage Stirrers, $5.30, available at Amazon. More
"I had no idea. LITERALLY no idea that bananas could be sliced. For MY ENTIRE LIFE I have simply peeled and chewed bananas.
BUT NOW...NOW...I can have my bananas SLICED. perfect little banana discs!!!! PERFECT BANANA DISCS
I put them in my coffee, have some arranged along the windowsill so walkers by can marvel, I EVEN TRIED THEM ON CEREAL DELICIOUS!!!!
I ordered TWO MORE! One for the boat and one for the garage.
THANK YOU!" —Eric Troolin
Chef'n Bananza Banana Slicer, $7.25, available at Amazon. More
"This is very easy to use. I would like to recommend this to all. Such a great purchase for my wife. I would buy her again." –David Cooper
Kitchen Basics Pepper Corer Tool, $4.98, available at Amazon. More
"Got this as a gift for my hairdresser. He is thrilled and says it can be used as a real brush too!" —Irina R
Forum Novelties 6 oz Hairbrush Hidden Flask, $19.79, available at Amazon. More
"One thing to keep in mind; these things have very sharp pointy ends and if you're screwing around with them like I was then be prepared to bleed. Like others have written in their reviews taking them out of the box and playing Wolverine is most likely going to result in a puncture wound or two so use caution, they're sharp!" —JohnP
Cave Tools Pulled Pork Shredder Claws, $15.99, available at Amazon. More
"Just what I have been looking for, toast that I can eat in the bathtub without having to worry about it getting wet"
Accoutrements Inflatable Toast, $5.98, available at Amazon. More
"Very frustrating. Did not come with manual and I can't find one online except something that seems to be Italian. Without instructions this is impossible to figure out. Would return along with the 5 gallon bottle of Chianti I bought to accompany it, but the shipping is so expensive it's more cost effective to put it in the back field as a cheese lick for the wild animals." —Peanut's mama
Gourmet555 Provolone Piccante Cheese (Whole Wheel) Approximately 60 Lbs, $1,078, available at Amazon. More Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here? This MasterChef Junior Contestant Is All Of Us Freaking Out Over Michelle Obama Best Weatherperson Ever Predicted How Much Wine Will Get Us Through The Blizzard The One Part Of That Justin Bieber Video We Can't Stop Laughing At