About the First Truly Happy 'Outlander' Finale
Warning: Contains spoilers for Outlander, season three, episode 13, "Eye of the Storm."
I'm in denial. Outlander is over for another season. But our beloved Frasers departed with a bang (literally, of course), as well as some good old unrequited love, crazy-good special effects, throat-slashing, and Ocean Bieber drama - but also some frustrating situations.
Ready to weather the storm? Let's go.
1. Claire's remarkably calm for someone a) who's looking for a missing captive and b) whose husband has just been captured. I'm sweating bullets over here, and this show isn't even real.
2. "I'm your wife. I'm coming with you." I'm bummed we didn't get to see more of Marsali and Fergus this season. I can see why we didn't, obviously, but still.
3. "I'm tired of your blethering." Young Ian has really held his own against Geillis - who has not only kidnapped him, drugged him, and forced him to have sex with her - but is now furious because she thinks he's purposely kept secrets from her. This just shows how fanatical she's become about the prophecy about the future Scottish ruler; despite what Ian's saying, she still thinks there's some kind of conspiracy to uncover.
4. Claire and Geillis have always had a fascinating, unpredictable relationship. "We're friends," says Geillis, but we know better. She doesn't have friends anymore, only pure political ambition.
5. God, I hate that horrible ocean baby, Captain Leonard. The Justin Bieber of the Seas is making cute jokes about Jamie's "drollness" while taking him to his death.
6. Which is why it's so goddamn satisfying when Lord and Savior John Grey does an "I don't think so" and takes custody of Jamie instead. Sorry, Biebs! You can't fight the love of a Jamie Fraser. All this army vs. navy shade is honestly delicious. "Do you mean to say you have neither warrant nor affidavit to support your claim?" Look, I'm already a big fan of due process, but when John Grey is insisting upon it, it all becomes rather, um, more appealing. However, I cannot be sure this is not going to come back to bite John and Jamie in the ass.
7. Imagine looking at the love of your life for the last time and just saying, "Good luck." JOHN IS SO ENGLISH, I CAN'T.
8. "Strange how fate keeps bringing us together." Geillis has a point. Her and Claire's lives seem so strangely entwined that if I were fixated on changing the course of history, I'd be suspicious about Claire, too. But her bias is clouding her judgment. Claire didn't purposefully come back in time like Geillis did, and Claire doesn't have any bigger aim in staying in the past - she's just there for Jamie. Still, Geillis is on her Scottish nationalist BS.
9. "I've no idea what you're getting at." Claire is utterly bewildered, and now Geillis' game is out in the open. Even more dangerous than not knowing what Geillis wants is seeing that she's beyond reason.
10. Oh God, oh God. In trying to save herself, Claire's going to tell Geillis about Bree...who is, per the prophecy from the last episode, the child who was 200 years old when she was born. DON'T DO IT, CLAIRE.
11. "I've read better stories in Mills and Boon." LOL. The anachronism of the episode is a pretty good one.
12. I want to rip those photos of Brianna right out of Geillis' scheming hands. But it really did send a shiver up my spine when Geillis recalled meeting Bree at the rally. This is full circle with a vengeance.
13. Jamaica has a rich dance culture and history, but I'd rather not have seen an anonymous group of presumably local people dancing used as a backdrop for these Europeans' power struggles and murderous intentions. This scene is spliced with a visual of the women Claire once saw dancing at Craigh Na Dun, to show the similarities between the two portal locations, which makes sense. Yet it feels more gratuitous here - especially with the many quick cuts emphasizing a bloody animal sacrifice, which gives the scene a stereotypical, threatening air. This feels like a misstep to me.
14. I am delighted that Yi Tien Cho and Margaret Campbell have a happy ending together. Both characters have been through a lot. But I'm annoyed that Yi Tien Cho's full purpose in this season has been to save Jamie and Claire. Everything he's done has essentially served their plotlines and helped them get to the next point - even in this scene, where he is able to protect them from the dancers. Jamie doesn't even congratulate Yi Tien, after all he's done for them.
15. OMG AS IF THAT RABBIT IS BACK. Unbelievable.
16. Margaret channeling Bree is one of the most touching and spine-chilling things that's happened in the season, and that's saying a lot given we had a bath of goats' blood last episode. Who is the monster she's talking about? Could Geillis be so fast in finding her?
17. Once Claire hears about the Brahan Seer prophecy (based on a real legend, by the way, whose last name was Mackenzie!), she knows immediately what Geillis is doing. Bree's in huge danger.
18. Wow, who knew that Sam Heughan could make me cry just by saying the name "Faith"? Give him an Emmy.
19. Um, Geillis' weird Brianna altar looks like something I made after I watched The Craft for the first time in middle school. But if we weren't sure she was fully evil before, we are now: She knows she doesn't need to kill to pass through the portal, because Claire's told her it's possible to go through without a sacrifice. But she's killing Young Ian anyway, and she's headed through to kill Bree.
20. There was no other way for this to end...but Claire CUT GEILLIS' NECK OPEN. I'm screaming. Also curious about the portal's siren song beckoning Claire - I'm not sure I've seen the stones have that effect on her before. Or is she yearning to see Bree?
21. "I knew you'd come, Uncle Jamie. But ye left it a bit late, aye?" BLESS YOUNG IAN. I'd be pretty mad at Jamie, honestly, if I were him.
22. SPEAK OF FULL CIRCLE. I knew that skeleton from Boston would come back, but...it's Geillis? That's absolutely bonkers.
23. Even after all of that deadly, terrifying drama, Claire can't help but point out how "generous" it was of Lord John to have the warrant for Jamie's arrest withdrawn. Plotwise, we needed to hear it, but I still think there's a bit of jealousy and teasing in there. Claire knows a Jamie fan when she sees one.
24. Sam Heughan's pecs are absolutely ginormous. That's all I have to say about that.
25. I agree, Claire - I've always enjoyed a dude with a bit of facial hair. Plus, all that light is making Jamie look a bit like a statue. A sexy statue.
26. Does anyone else find it a bit odd that Jamie is narrating what he wants to do to Claire...while actually doing it? It's like phone sex, but in person? Very confusing dirty talk, this is. Plus, what on earth are they waiting for? Being on a ship has never stopped them from getting it on before. Oh, hang on. Looks like they're doing it. All good, then, carry on!
27. "I shall do that until you start making squeaking noises." If a paramour ever said that to me, I literally think I would never have sex again.
28. Gosh, lucky for Claire and Jamie that they got a good bonk in before this almighty storm.
29. Okay, there's no way I thought a storm could be this scary, but...that wave was, like, The Perfect Storm–level terrifying.
30. Look, Claire, this underwater shot of you is really extraordinarily beautiful, and I'm enjoying your own (implausible) narration of your own drowning, but could you just hurry up and not be drowning anymore, please? I'm really rather upset.
31. Then again, it did give us this magnificent underwater ClaMie rescue scene, so...I guess it's fine that you died a bit. JUST THIS ONCE, THOUGH.
32. ARE YOU SHITTING ME?????????????? WHERE'S THE FREAKING SHIP GONE
33. Oh, look at this nice little girl, with her sweet bonnet and, um, her stick that she is using to poke Jamie in the ribs with!
34. Wait, in all that time, Claire never taught Jamie how to check a pulse? Jamie, she's not dead, you DUMMY. There's still like 19 Outlander books to go!
35. With some tears of joy from Jamie, THAT'S ALL, FOLKS. Is this the first truly happy Outlander finale? I think it is. Apart from, you know the fact that it's OVER. Well, farewell, until next year, when we will all get to find out what happens in Outlander: Coming to America. If you need me, I'll be crying in a dark corner, drinking whisky, and ordering a life-size Sam Heughan pillow.
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