Why I let my fiancé have sex with my bridesmaids

*Georgia, 35 and *Ben, 34, from Shropshire, have an open relationship, meaning they both have sex with other people. Georgia, an advertising executive, explains how and why it works for them.

Next year, I will marry the love of my life, Ben. The other night, he said to me: "Just so you are aware, our wedding night is our wedding night."

I was glad he cleared that up. You see, even though Ben and I are engaged, we sleep with other people.

In fact, we have an open relationship with two of our four bridesmaids, sleeping with one of the women and her partner as a couple, and the other (who is single), both on our own and together.

We all met via the open relationship community and are now the best of friends.

How we met

Ben and I met six years ago, through friends who were dating each other (but nobody else). In fact, their relationship couldn’t have been more traditional.

I did have friends who were in an open relationship but always thought, 'That’s not me, I couldn’t handle it.' Because it was going on around me however, I think the idea just grew on me.

Ben and I had been together around two years before we decided to give an open relationship a try.

I am glad we waited, and discussed it so much beforehand. You need time to build that foundation of trust and make sure the two of you want to be genuinely together before opening things up to anyone else.

Otherwise, it’s more of a ‘keeping our options open in case this isn’t the person I want to be with,’ which I don’t think ever works.

Our first exploration

The first time we had sex with a couple was about three years ago.

We met them through friends who were already into the open relationship scene, and it was at their house. It wasn’t planned, which I think was good. Because no one was nervous, we just went with the moment and it felt amazing.

After that, Ben and I joined a website called Vivastreet for like-minded people. We also sometimes go to parties or events, and either have sex with other people there, or just at each other’s houses.

It’s quite a small community so you tend to see the same couples annd single women. Some you have sex with then never see again, and some – like our bridesmaids – become good friends.

Making friends with people you sleep with is the same as making any friend – just with an extra layer of trust.

We know our bridesmaids respect our relationship and would never do anything to tread on anyone’s toes. There’s also attraction, that goes without saying, but it’s the loyalty and trust thing that makes us good friends.

Love rules

The media would have you believe that ‘open relationship’ means a free for all, where you can both do whatever you want, but nothing could be further than the truth.

‘Open relationships’ for people in them just means that everything communication-wise is completely open. It has to be.

I think there’s a misconception that it’s 'one size fits all' too, but that’s not the case. I have friends who do things that I would not be comfortable with and vice versa.

For example, I have friends who are completely polyamorous, which I'm all for if it works for them, but it's not for me. Polyamory involves having people within our relationship that would then become another serious partner, and that would never be the case for us.

For Ben and I it’s purely sexual. No romance. No relationship stuff. Just sex. We don’t do ‘wining and dining’ or hanging out at the weekend. We only do that stuff together.

There’s a lot of trust built into what you are doing and that comes from making your own rules and boundaries – every couple are different.

For one couple we sleep with for example, she has stipulated that her husband doesn’t ever come inside anyone else, because if he’s "going to climax, it has to do with her."

That wouldn’t bother me personally, but other things do. For example, one of the early conversations we had was that if there was another person involved then the attention should always be on me, or Ben at least half of the time. That way you are showing your partner, "You are still my priority." This has to be in a way that makes the other person feel included and respected, though. They're not a sex toy.

We also have a strict safe sex rule for obvious reasons, no anal sex and no going to sleep with someone else, since falling asleep with someone is a really intimate thing.

There’s also a position we’ve decided we won’t do with anyone else.

Dealing with jealousy

At first, we only slept with other couples, as a couple, but now we sleep with people individually too.

I was more worried about Ben’s reaction than my reaction on that front. So, beforehand, I gauged his reaction by telling him I had done things on a night out with another guy, when I hadn’t. When he was cool with the idea, I knew we were good to go. No harm done!

At the beginning when you are not sure what’s ok and what isn’t, jealousy can come into it, but there’s plenty you can do to allay your fears.

I have a rule: Ben is not allowed to sleep with other women if I’m at home, as that would make me feel bad and disrespected and would take away from the whole reason for doing it, which is for sexual pleasure. This is a turn-on for us, as it's a way to shake up our daily routine and try new things. If I was away on holiday or whatever then that’s cool, because I’m not around.

If Ben wants to do something with a girl then we talk about it beforehand. Whereas Ben would rather not know till afterwards if I’ve slept with someone – if he is not nearby.

This is because he wants to have sex with me immediately afterwards to ‘reclaim me’ and he can’t if he’s miles away, which makes him feel not part of things.

'Reclaim sex'

‘Reclaim sex’ is a huge thing in the open relationship community. It’s a primal thing: "You have had sex with someone else and now I want you to have sex with me – because you’re mine."

It’s this idea that after your partner has sex with someone else, they are coming back to you, to have great reclaim sex afterwards. Your partner is not showing an interest in that other person. They are not romantically pursuing them.

If one of us slept with someone but still maintained interest in them afterwards, then that would undermine all the trust we have.

We are a couple and nobody else is going to be able to do the things we do together: like spend time together and do romantic things. Or have a joint income!

Ultimate trust

Having an open relationship has made mine and Ben’s relationship a hundred times better, both sexually and emotionally.

You have to talk about this stuff so deeply for it to work, your communication has to be so good, that communication across the board improves.

I guess, if you are ok with your partner having sex with someone else, then you can handle anything.

Our sex life, when it’s just the two of us, is also so much better. There’s nothing we’re embarrassed of, nothing we’re scared of trying, as we’ve kind of covered it. As a couple, we have sex pretty much every day, so having an open relationship has only enhanced what we have.

It’s our secret too, which is a turn-on. Just in the same way that most people don’t talk to their parents or siblings or even friends about their sex life, nor do we. It’s sacred. For us.

My advice to anyone interested in having an open relationship is talk about it – a lot.

Talk about it when you have sex and see how you feel about it because if you are having sex with your partner and they say, "Oh imagine if so and so was here" and you think ‘Oh my God, no way!’ then that’s probably a good indicator it’s not right for you.

I have never considered stopping because so far, I have no reason to. Ben and I would never consider putting each other in a situation where we weren’t comfortable. We’ve never had one argument about it.

If you have boundaries that you both respect, then I believe it can only be positive for a relationship.

*Names and location have been changed to protect identities.