My fiancé’s friend is threatening to boycott our wedding over the guest list
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Hey, Group Chat,
My fiancé and I are getting married later this year. One of his good friends just told us that if his ex-girlfriend (who is a close friend of mine) was invited to the wedding, he wouldn’t go. Keep in mind, they broke up YEARS ago and she has moved on with a very serious boyfriend.
I understand not wanting to see your ex, but it really upsets me that he isn’t willing to put his own feelings aside to celebrate our happiness. He’s making this about him. What do I do? How do we choose between the two? HELP.
Sincerely, Guestzilla
Dear Guestzilla,
Jenny Kline, who has never heard a deeply compelling breakup story, says… What an unpleasant situation … for your fiance’s friend! This is very much his problem, but he’s somehow convinced you guys that it’s yours to resolve. I have a sneaking suspicion that all of these people went to high school together, and this breakup happened in 2013, and someone is dragging his feet when it comes to moving on.
No one wants to hear this, but most breakups are fascinating for exactly two people, while everyone else is only half-listening. There’s no need to keep third parties up to speed on the nuances of your dead romance. Offer your fiance’s buddy a plus-one who he can pretend is his girlfriend — this is a classic sitcom move that always ends well — or, just tell him you totally get that this is all too much for him, and you respect his decision to skip (He’ll probably ultimately show up anyway because I bet he loves drama!).
In summation, this situation is a clear argument for my preferred category of adult dating, which is Have No Mutual Friends. It’s a sister strategy to my preferred category of adult friendships, which is Never Combine Friend Groups (Even On Birthdays).
Katie Mather, who strongly believes weddings are all about her, says…
Your fiancé is going to have to find some new friends because this guy needs to go. I rarely use this insult unless it’s important, but this “friend” is a big-time weenie. Not showing up to his friend’s wedding because his ex is there? Even if they broke up the day before your wedding — or the day of your wedding! — this is lame. Grow up, Brian (he seems like his name would be Brian).
Also, he’s going about this totally wrong. If I’m going to a wedding and I know my ex will also be there, I am for sure showing up, and looking the hottest I’ve ever looked in my life.
Listen, don’t feel bad, the worst thing that can happen to Brian is that his ex says, “I hope you’re doing well” to his face while her five-inches-taller-than-him date looks on in sympathy. Who cares! This wedding is all about you (jealous!) and if Brian can’t handle that then save the money that would’ve gone toward his entree and buy a Roomba.
Gibson Johns, who would love a little drama around his future wedding, says… Contrary to what your fiancé’s friend is saying, you don’t need to choose between inviting him and his ex-girlfriend. She’s your friend, he’s your husband’s friend and, if you’d them both to be there for your big day, then you should invite them.
Any drama that they can’t get past for the sake of their good friends’ wedding is their own issue to deal with, not yours. They can coexist for a few hours! And, if that ends up being a bit too optimistic of an expectation, maybe there will end up being some fireworks of a different sort at your wedding, giving you a day that will be all the more memorable if they, say, have a Real Housewives-style blowup for everyone to see. Wedding, dinner, dancing and a show? Now that’s a wedding I want to be invited to.
Regardless, you should invite your friend to your wedding if you want her there. In my opinion, the bride’s opinion matters more than the groom’s, anyway, so if it’s his friend that doesn’t get his way, then it is what it is.
Kimberly Te, who would be the one to boycott a wedding over the guest list, says… The only answer is to invite both of them and not choose. Maybe one of them naturally won’t be able to make it anyway. If that happens, it would be awkward to then welcome the other person as the second choice. Or even worse, what if they get back together? Then, by choosing one over the other, you’ve become an enemy to both of them.
TL;DR… Sounds like a “him” problem and not a “you” problem, tbh. He can choose the guest list at his own wedding.
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