I Have a Few Preguntas After the First Democratic Primary Debate

From ELLE

If there's one thing that's clear after the first Democratic primary debate, it's that Elizabeth Warren is currently hard at work on a plan to improve all of the candidates' conversational Spanish. Last night's debate featured 10 of the now-25 candidates running for president, plus 16 moderators, an omelet chef, a ball boy from Wimbeldon, and, I'd be willing to bet, at least one person who just showed up and stood behind a podium and never got asked to leave.

The debate was largely civil and, per NBC, largely lie-free, which should be reason enough for a parade and a national holiday at this point. Still, I was left with a few lingering questions.

¿Que?

Beto O'Rourke was asked a question about the 70% marginal tax rate for people making over $10 million and whether he agreed with it or, if not, what tax rate he would prefer. It seems like a question that's simple to answer: Yes, no, end of list. Were it me, I would have answered: "ABSOLUTELY I agree and, point of fact, my tax rate would be 99.9%." And then I'd stare directly into the camera and whisper, "I'm coming for your doubloons, Bezos!" Something like that.

Beto chose a different route, which, you know, fine. He launched into a stump speech about equality and ideas. It was nice, but like Margo Martindale's character in Million Dollar Baby, I just want the money.

A few sentences into his remarks, before saying the words "yes," "no," or "doubloon," Beto O'Rourke abruptly shifted to a Spanish translation and I became a Mr. Krabs meme.

Cariño, when Beto busted out the Spanish, I jumped back from my TV like I was Joaquin Phoenix in Signs. Cory Booker, who would later also translate his remarks into Spanish, looked both shewk and incredulous. Shewkredulous. Cameras caught him giving that same expression that you give to your friend who goes to a salsa class in the basement of an Irish pub and insists on asking the instructor questions in study abroad Spanish after every session. It's like, "Hon, we're late for brunch so maybe you can grasp after the word for feet another time?"

Julian Castro also introduced himself in Spanish and later got in the zinger, "On January 21, 2021, we'll say 'adios' to Donald Trump." Wonderful. Perfect. Inscríbeme. I just have a quick question: Is this what we're doing now? Honestly, every American should be fluent in Spanish and anyone who doesn't like it can get back on the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria. But that vision has yet to be realized and I took high school French to prepare myself for a lifetime of leaning too heavily into different wine pronunciations at dinner parties and so when Beto broke it down en español I felt like I'd walked into the wrong A.P. exam. But that's a me problem. I promise I will get back on track with my Dua Lipa language app before tonight's debate.

Speaking of tonight's debate, you just know that the minute a non-English language came up, Pete Buttigieg leapt from his chair and shouted, "Just you wait, Henry Higgins!" And for good measure he whispered, "Solo espera."

V for Vendetta?

The true star of the debate wasn't the Spanish language, though. It wasn't even anything that happened on stage. Midway through the debate, a tweet showed up on Tulsi Gabbard's Twitter complaining about the amount of time Elizabeth Warren had been allowed to speak as compared to the amount of time Gabbard was given. This was odd, as Gabbard was standing on stage at that moment, you know, trying to get a word in. But who amongst us has not been standing in a group, carrying on a conversation, while covertly texting the person who is standing next to us to talk smack? However, Gabbard's tweet was signed "-V (Tulsi's sister)" and I am obsesionada con ella.

Who. Is. V?! I love the idea of the DGAF Gabbard sibling sitting in a green room somewhere, pulling Tulsi's phone out of a bag, using the high-def TV to do the face unlock, and then going in on the debate under Tulsi's handle. Surely this was sanctioned and planned, but I really want to believe it was a rogue event like when Julia Roberts' character finally snaps in America's Sweethearts.

I want to write all of my tweets in the third person, sign them with my initial and then a small branch of my family tree in parentheses. "It's actually offensive that Eric hasn't been invited to the Taco Bell Resort yet. -R. (Descendant of William Penn's brother whose name I forget but anyway this is true so put some respect on my name.)"

V became the Dan Humphrey of the debate, tweeting out the hottest takes, and if the other candidates know what's best for them they'll rustle up an opinionated social media savvy relative quick, fast, and in a hurry.

I mean, this gig has Chasten Buttigieg written all over it.

In a pinch, I am also available to pretend to related to 20 out of the 25 candidates for the opportunity to tweet sass to the masses. ¡Llámame!

Who?

Just a quick check-in here: who is this person?

Okay, it's Tim Ryan. More importantly, is he having a good time? Not to be all "JFK won because Nixon sweat on television" but I am concerned that Ryan was not living his best debate life last night. We've got so much longer to go with this; at least it should be fun. We're going to have a whole Olympics before the election. LugeBae will return. Ice skating, the only thing that brings anyone joy anymore, will once again make our hearts do triple sowcows. Everyone you know will become an expert on the rules of curling again. Think of that Tim Ryan! This election season is moving despascito (featuring Justin Beiber), so let yourself have fun!

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