I just found a place to live.
I am returning to my university to study my dream course in a of couple months.
I got a call yesterday with a job offer after I successfully completed an interview last week.
You would categorize these things as “good'”things.
But as someone who struggles daily with moderate to severe depression, anxiety and emotional flashbacks, my entire system is on tenterhooks. It’s like there is a giant rock in my chest, crushing my heart and squeezing my lungs under the pressure from my rib-cage. I wake up in the morning and my motivation is no where to be found. My body is almost aching from constantly lugging this rock around and even the idea of doing nothing is almost too much to consider. I feel frustrated, useless, worthless and incapable. Despite all these “good” things. Which is probably one of the most frustrating things — I have worked so hard and yet I still don’t feel enough.
And then it slips in. That little voice that says, “Told you you were not good enough.” The monster smirks and relaxes under the usual belief of a job well done. He has won. Plus, I currently temporarily can’t access therapy, meaning my resources are that little bit lower. “She never stood a chance, not that she ever wins really,” the monster declares.
What the monster doesn’t realize is that I am stronger than he knows. That his voice is now accompanied by the voices of my last few therapists and of my best friends. Their hope and belief in me as a person act almost as a shield. The shield doesn’t take away the trauma, hurt and fear that this monster feeds on. But it gives me something incredibly valuable — something that I will never be able to thank them enough for.
It gives me a choice. It gives me a glimmer of hope.
It saves me time and time again, especially when I feel like I can’t save myself.
The monster will debilitate me for a short while. It’s going to make my life harder, potentially for the next while. It will finally sleep only to be triggered by some event a few weeks/months later. But it won’t control me. I have tools, coping skills and a life to live. I will not let it defeat me. When he’s at his worst and I feel like he has me hostage, I will not slip backward. I will take things step by step, even if those steps are absolutely tiny.
And you can too — I promise. If you have had moments when you feel life is too hard, I understand and I’m here. I’ve been there and as I am currently chronically suicidal, I might be there again. But you are a warrior and if you relate to anything in this story — know that I have hope and belief in you. Know that I understand. Know that it’s OK to be frustrated, upset and numb even when there are good things happening — it doesn’t make it all you are. Hold on and take those small steps.
Keep fighting your monsters and live the amazing, happy, diverse life you deserve.
Stand strong fellow warriors.