As if on cue, every new year ushers in a whole new slew of ads shilling one weight loss product after another selling the “new year, new you” ideal. That new you, though, has to be completely different. Well, diet culture, fuck you.
For so long, diet culture has held an iron-grip over us, emphasizing thinness over health, toxic standards of beauty over mental health, and has maintained that hold by tap dancing on the self esteem of the public. Thankfully, body positive voices like Ashley Graham and Jameela Jamil have shifted the conversation to emphasize a more “live your best life” approach. And part of living that best life is laughter.
1. “Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks.” — Marilyn Wann
2. “Eat whatever you want, if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.” — Unknown
3. “Dieting didn’t work for me because dieting doesn’t work.” — Teddey Hicks
4. “Your body is always deserving of food. You don’t have to exercise to earn it.” — Bucket List Tummy
5. “You know what’s healthier than kale? Having a good relationship with food.” — Tanya Mark
6. “Diet culture makes it so you are the cat and the thin ideal is the laser pointer.” — Meghan Kacmarcik
7. “I hold my body with higher esteem than your opinion. It has done far more for me than you have.” — L.E. Bowman
8. “Breathe out: diet culture. Breathe in: self-acceptance, respect, compassion, empathy, laughter, love.” — Alex Raymond
9. Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef? He’ll dessert you.
10. “For me, exercise is more than just physical — it’s therapeutic.” — Michelle Obama
11. “I don’t want to live a life where you can’t have what you want; it just makes you want it more.” — Drew Barrymore
12. “I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.” — Ellen DeGeneres
13. “We aren’t supposed to all look the same. And nothing good ever comes of self hatred. It will never further you. It will always hold you back.” — Jameela Jamil
14. “I know that I look good and, more importantly, I feel good so why am I dieting? I now know what works for me.” — Ashley Graham
15. If you are a vegan who does crossfit, what do you tell people about first?
16. Did you hear about the hungry clock? He went back four seconds.
17. What do vegan zombies eat? GgggggRrrAaaaIiiiNNnnnSSsss!
18. What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
19. How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow? One if nobody’s looking.
20. The quickest way to become a nutritionist? Talk to a vegan.
21. Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to seitan!
22. How many meat-eaters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they would rather stay in the dark about things.
23. If two vegetarians are arguing, is it still called beef?
24. Why did the tofu cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken.
25. “Gone, for me, are the days of wanting to be thin to fit into anything other than my best body and best life.” — Oprah Winfrey
26. Don’t make jokes about tofu, it’s tasteless.