An expert reveals the secrets to parenting during the coronavirus crisis

Shefali Tsabary, a clinical psychologist, reveals that parenting during the coronavirus crisis might mean taking a different approach. “All parents are being challenged in ways that they have never been before,” says Tsabary. “They’re not the only ones--the children are adjusting as well,” she adds. Tsabary says the first step to helping our kids is to make sure we’re getting the help we need with our own anxieties. “Parents first need their equilibrium back, so I encourage parents to ask for help, be vulnerable and seek support. This is not the time for pride or for isolation,” she says. Connecting with our children during this time is also vital, and Tsabary says the first step is empathy. “Truly empathize that our children are not not distance learners. This is not their natural way--they are overwhelmed by the technology. They associate technology with entertainment and pleasure and not with studying,” she says.

Video Transcript

SHEFALI TSABARY: Hi, everyone. I'm Dr. Shefali. I'm a clinical psychologist. I'm a teacher of psychological and wisdom principles, and also an author of several books on conscious parenting and mindful living.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So with the advent of this new normal brought upon by the coronavirus, all parents are being challenged in ways that they have never been before. Because they're observing their teenagers go through a complete metamorphosis, their young children are demanding more energy, attention, and time from the parent, so the parent is really being challenged to adjust in all these ways. But they're not the only ones. The children are adjusting as well.

So the first thing we parents need to do is get the help to deal with our own anxiety. If we're losing our jobs, if we don't know what tomorrow will bring, or if we're just panicked about our health or our loved ones' health. Parents first need their equilibrium back. So I encourage parents to ask for help, be vulnerable, seek the support. This is not the time for pride or for isolation.

And then the second thing to do to really forge a connection with children is to truly empathize that our children are not distance learners. This is not their natural way. They are overwhelmed by the technology. They associate technology with entertainment and pleasure, not with studying. And this one- and two-dimensional form of learning is not their inherent way of learning. And so our children are going to act out. They're going to resist.

Second is to end the siege of perfectionism. This is not the time to be perfect. This is not the time to learn 10 languages. This is not the time to lose 20 pounds. This is the time for emotional well-being and health. And I tell parents, just get the basic done. If the kid gets a pass, that's good enough. At this point, we cannot put more pressure on our children.

And the third thing is, every time there's an opportunity to control your kid, try first to connect to them. So try first to validate them, praise them, hug them, be with them, play with them, and then introduce the control.

So this means for the parent that they're really having to let go of so much power over their own futures, power over their own homes, their own time schedules. But I think if parents can keep these principles in mind, then they can better handle this tunnel of transformation that we are in and come out of this with a renewed sense of simplicity, slowness, more present, small connection, and a lesser pressure to succeed than we were all being run by pre-pandemic. We were all suffering under a very high level of pressure. And it's my hope and challenge to parents to release that pressure.

Many parents want to use this time to keep up the hope, keep positivity, keep optimism. And while that's great, I also would urge parents to not have high expectations of this positivity curse. Don't try so hard to be positive. It's OK for your kids to see that you're disheartened. It's OK for your kids to see you frustrated.

But while you are, we also have to make sure that we're not falling apart every single day, so that our children don't feel like our parents are a wreck and that there is no hope. So we have to do a healthy balance between being real, raw, transparent, and vulnerable, but also letting our children know it will pass. This is just for this moment.

We will adapt. We are master adapters. Mommy and daddy, or mommy and mommy, whoever the parents are, are super creative, super resilient, super empowered, and we will get through this. We can do this. So we're not falling apart, but at the same time, we can't pretend. If we're having big feelings, it's OK to share them, too.

[MUSIC PLAYING]