Is It Ever a Good Idea to Text Your Ex?
Quick question: Are you by any chance an alive human being who has ever been in a relationship with someone with whom you are no longer romantically involved? If so, then chances are that person has probably crossed your mind from time to time since things ended between you. In fact, we’re gonna go out on a limb and guess that sometimes when that person pays your brain a visit, you might even wonder if you should text them—particularly if you’ve had a couple of vodka sodas (or seven).
Sound familiar? We thought so. Real talk, “Should I text my ex?” is one of those questions most of us have asked ourselves at one time or another, and it’s also one of those questions you usually kinda already know the answer to. Spoiler alert: it’s “No,” and that’s also the answer your friends are pretty much legally obligated to give you when poll the group chat.
But we’re not your friends. I mean, we are, (hi, love you) but not the same ones who are going to literally pry your phone out of your hands over bottomless mimosas so you don’t drunk text your ex. We understand that regardless of the sitch with your former flame, wanting to text them is totally normal, and it doesn’t even necessarily mean you haven’t moved on or want them back. In fact, Damona Hoffman, certified dating coach and host of The Dates and Mates Podcast, says that sometimes, the urge to text your ex is nothing more than a natural response to that person crossing your mind. According to Hoffman, we’re literally conditioned to reach out to people we care about (or cared about) when we think of them.
Now, that doesn't automatically mean texting your ex is definitely a good idea and you should go do it right now. In fact, while we don’t have any exact numbers available, we’re gonna go ahead and say that more often than not, not texting your ex is probably gonna be the better move. Still, we get that the “Should I Text My Ex” Q is actually a more nuanced one than strict No Contact Rule adherents make it out to be. Like, there are some valid reasons to text your ex. Probably not as many as there are valid reasons not to, but some!
We also know that if you’re here, it’s probably because you’re not interested in taking a simple no for an answer. At the end of the day, texting your ex (or not) is a personal decision—one only you can make. To help you weigh the pros and cons, we’ve tapped the experts for their insight on everything you should consider before hitting send.
Think about *why* you want to text your ex
So wanting to text your ex is pretty much human nature, duh. But depending on your specific situation, there are about a million and one different reasons you might be itching to reach out. Maybe you want to get back together with them, maybe you’re seeking closure, maybe you want to be friends, or maybe you just miss them and aren’t really sure what you actually want from them.
While wanting to reach out to an ex doesn't necessarily mean you aren’t over them, it can be a sign that you’re still grieving, says conscious love and relationship expert Angela Nicole Holton. “A breakup can be a deep loss to someone, which engenders feelings of grief and heartache,” she says, adding that wanting to reach out to an ex when you’re still heartbroken can be an attempt to find closure, or it might be about trying to salvage or rekindle the relationship. Texting your an ex might be a way of trying to test the waters to see if they’re feeling the same way.
There’s also the possibility that you might not actually miss your ex themselves, but rather the love and companionship that you got from them. This tends to happen when you’re single, and can be triggered by reminders of your ex—like those pesky social media “memories,” holidays you used to celebrate with them, or (yikes) running into their friends or family, Hoffman explains. “These events might make us crave closeness or support, make us nostalgic for our past, or make us feel like our ex is moving on without us,” she says.
Regardless of the actual reason you want to text your ex, getting clear on why you want to and what you’re actually hoping to get out of reopening that line of communication can help you decide whether it’s actually a good idea, and brace yourself for the potential fallout of firing off that risky text.
Okay, so when *should* you text your ex?
We’re not gonna say never, but the reality is that unless you and your ex are actually friends who had an amicable split and no longer have any romantic and/or hurt feelings towards each other, then texting them is often unnecessary at best, if not literally a freaking terrible idea.
That! Said! There are some occasionally legit reasons to text your ex. One example? If you owe them an apology, “Back to December” style. Think about how the relationship ended, and your role in the split. If there was a nasty fight, a breakdown in communication that you were partially responsible for, or if you cheated or crossed a boundary, it might (keyword, *might*) be a good idea to reach out and make amends.
“If, after some time apart, one has had time to reflect and better understand their emotions, it’s not harmful to reach out to an ex to mention you’d like to express yourself in a way you were unable to do or understand before,” Holton says.
Even if you don’t have apologies to make, some time alone with your thoughts may have helped you gain clarity on what happened at the end of the relationship. If so, then reaching out could potentially open up an opportunity to reconnect with your ex as friends (or more), or at least bring you both some much-needed closure.
That said, it’s important to think about whether this person actually wants to hear from you. Reaching out—even to deliver a warranted apology—might open up old wounds or set them back in their own breakup recovery process. If you think your olive branch, however well-intentioned, runs the risk of doing more harm than good, then it’s probably best to keep your thoughts to yourself.
Essentially, it’s only a good idea to text your ex if you’re crystal clear on what you want to say to them, why they should hear it, what you’re hoping to get out of the situation, and if you’re prepared to accept a different outcome.
One good way to check whether what you want to text is something you *actually* need to say? Think about whether this is something you could picture yourself saying over the phone. “If you would not pick up the phone to say what you want to say, you should not text it to them,” says Hoffman. Unless there’s an emergency or phone-call worthy information that you feel an actual obligation to share with your ex, then you’re probably just making excuses to reach out to them. Like, do you actually need to text them “happy birthday”? Probably not!
When should you *not* text your ex?
Uh, pretty much all the time forever, TBH. Outside of those rare occasions where you absolutely must reach out, professional matchmaker and dating coach Thalia Ouimet says that texting your ex should be a no-go.
“When one door closes and the relationship has come to an end, it’s always best to keep moving forward,” says Ouimet, who suggests thinking of your relationship with your ex as a burning building. If you’ve already escaped, why would you go back in the house? “It only leads to a toxic environment,” she says. And even if your relationship itself wasn’t toxic/even if you ended things on amicable terms, do you really need to go back into a building that’s already burned down?
“If you are no longer together, they have a right to move on with their life,” says Hoffman. “Continuing to check their stories and posts and sending check-in texts only keeps you emotionally threaded to them.” And remember, you deserve to move on with your life, too.
Hoffman adds that it’s an especially bad idea to send that text if the urge to reconnect is bubbling up in reaction to something—a bad date, seeing their FB status change to “In a Relationship,” etc. Basically, if your urge to text is rooted in any kind of negative feeling—sadness, anger, loneliness, boredom, etc.—it’s best not to reach out. (And do one of these things instead.)
So yeah, while there are occasional circumstances in which it might be okay to text an ex, the TL;DR of it all is pretty simple: When in doubt, don’t text them.
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