Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 8 Recap: Three Hours of Nonstop Drama

Tonight's Bachelor in Paradise was a full—and I mean FULL—three hours of nonstop ups and downs. So let's get right into it, shall we? Spoilers ahead.

We pick up where we left off last week: Everyone is shook that Eric agreed to go on a date with...um, I want to say Cassandra? [Pauses to Google.] Yes, Cassandra! It's especially throwing the women in paradise off because he seemed so into Angela—to them, this is proof things in their own relationships can change. Tia, however, is the only one not worried. She and Colton are 100-percent on the same page. Well, in her mind that is...because Colton tells Kevin he's just going through the motions with Tia: "I can't sit around on a beach anymore and look at her everyday and know that there's not a future."

Colton then breaks up with Tia, claiming, "I gave it my all." (Did you, though?) They cry in each other's arms and both decide to leave paradise. I'd say more—but, honestly, we've spent enough time on Tia and Colton's relationship, or lack thereof, this season. We're all ready to move on.

Of course, this split does not help the vibe in the house. People are feeling even more uncertain, especially Jenna who buries herself under a comically large beach pillow to cry. Jordan comes over to comfort her and, shock, does a decent job! He doesn't minimize her feelings; instead, he says "it's OK to be emotional." Good job, Jordan.

One person not stressed about Colton and Tia? John, who was taking a long nap when all of this went down. "Really? You can do that?" he asks Jordan, who broke the news to him. "What the hell."

But back to the drama that started this all: Eric's date with Cassandra. When they return, Cassandra describes the date simply as, "We were in a parade. It was cool." It's a testament to how much and yet how little happens in paradise that nobody had any follow-up questions to this. In fact, they change the subject. Imagine if your roommate came home and said her date involved leading a full parade. Would you not need a lot more details?

Maybe nobody had follow-up questions because they're upset that Eric waited—in their opinion—too long to speak to Angela upon his return. He does eventually pull her aside, though, and she tells him her feelings were hurt because he said he was "all in" but then went on a date. Eric's defense is that he woke up that morning with "a lot of question marks" about their relationship. "I don't see how eight hours of sleep makes a difference," Angela replies. But Eric turns it on her, claiming he felt like she was never as "all in" as he was. (Being "all in" is going on a date with someone else? OK.) He wants to pursue things with Cassandra now.

[Drink every time someone says "all in" this episode. Except don't, because you'd be extremely drunk.]

This conversation doesn't go over so well with Angela, and she responds by pulling Cassandra aside to share her side of the story. She repeats "all in" 100 times until Cassandra agrees this is "a red flag" from Eric. She doesn't really want to side with Angela or Eric, so she tells him she's over all of this and would like to remove herself from the narrative.

Meanwhile, Astrid also felt rocked by Tia and Colton's breakup. She shares her concerns with Kevin, but he says there's nothing to worry about because he's falling in love with her. ("You're so out of my league that I knew I was going to fall in love with you from the first second we talked.") "I hope you know that I'm falling for you too," she says.

The next morning, two new arrivals come to paradise: Christen a.k.a. Scallop Fingers a.k.a. Scallops and Shushanna, who right away says she's "not here to make friends with the girls." It's fitting, then, that she's greeted by Cassandra who tells her, "Oh, we don't want you here! Haha!"

Christen and Shushanna have a double date card; Christen invites John, who agrees, and Shushanna asks Kamil to go. When Kamil tells Annaliese he's going to go on the date, she handles it really well...until he leaves. She spends the rest of the afternoon crying and pacing around the beach.

She's not the only one having a hard day: Poor Kevin has to watch as his ex, Ashley, arrives in paradise with her new boyfriend, Jared, to gush about their love. His face throughout this is akin to:

That alone would suck, but it gets worse: Jared proposes to Ashley on the beach while Kevin (and the rest of the cast) watches from afar.

That said, the engagement is very cute. ("I've been a fool ... I want to make it up to you for the rest of my life," he says. "Holy shit, it's perfect," she says of the ring.) Kevin even graciously gives Ashley a hug and tells her congratulations. Later, though, he admits to Astrid that he's annoyed. He wishes he would have left the relationship earlier than he did because now he wonders if she was using him to make Jared jealous. I mean, probably? He does get a date card to make up for it, though, and he and Astrid are in love so he's fine.

Later, as soon as Kamil returns to the villa from his date, he tells Annaliese that he has a better connection with her than Shushanna and they spend the night together. The next night, ahead of the rose ceremony, Shushanna asks Kamil why he chose "the blonde girl" over her. He admits he didn't think they had much in common, and she tears up. Kamil, correctly, says, "You shouldn't be crying over me!"

She's about to go home voluntarily when Chris Harrison shows up with a twist: Jordan from New Zealand Bachelor / Bachelor Winter Games is arriving with a rose, giving one more woman a chance to stay in paradise. Naturally, all of the women are immediately attracted to his accent. Christen even tries to imitate it, to which he says, "Honestly, you sound like a drunk Mary Poppins."

But instead of focusing her attention on New Jordan's arrival, Chelsea decides to make a last-ditch effort to win over Kamil. Of course, this does not go over well with Annaliese. Kamil even plays along with Chelsea's gamble for a bit, but in the end gives Annaliese his rose. The other couples at the end of the ceremony are: Astrid and Kevin, Chris and Krystal, Old Jordan and Jenna, Kendall and Joe, Eric and Cassandra, New Jordan and Shushanna, and Olivia and John.

This means Angela, Chelsea, and Christen must leave. Angela chooses the traditional "cry in the back of a SUV" exit. Things are different for Christen and Chelsea, though. After the roses are handed out, Christen says she feels nauseous and her "ears are ringing." Meanwhile, Chelsea has a full-blown panic attack during her post-rose ceremony interview. I hope they're both OK—but we'll have to find out what happens when the show returns tomorrow night. See you then.