Guidelines from the government-backed Energy Star program has vindicated dads everywhere by proving everyone should just leave the damn thermostat alone. The idea behind the guidelines is that households can save nearly two hundred dollars a month by properly programming the thermostat — and then not touching it ever because just change your clothes if you’re too hot or cold, for chrissakes. Of course, dads have known this forever but you just have to go and touch the thermostat anyway, don’t you? Well, stop. Leave it alone.
Here’s the thing: when you become a parent, you become acutely aware of how much it costs to control the climate in the space your family occupies. You also become an expert on how to manage the temperature of the home. There is no essential study or learning. The knowledge simply arrives in your brain when your child is born.
There are some people — certain complained family members and nosey guests — who question this expertise in climate control. These people take it upon themselves to change the temperature in the home to suit their highly specific and immediate needs because they apparently can’t put on a sweater or take off their pants. These people are also the reason the damn gas or electricity bill is so high.
Here’s the thing, when you change the temperature on the thermostat, the heater or A/C has to kick in and work that much harder so you, and only you, can eventually feel comfortable. That’s wildly inefficient, and who are you anyway, Nero? Or the fancypants King of France? Do you think everything needs to be your way all the time? That’s pretty selfish.
Yes, yes, men and women have different ideal temperatures. But this isn’t about keeping either of you more comfortable — it’s about saving money and energy. It’s about setting the thermostat to a reasonable and cost-effective temperature and then taking care of you through the simple and entirely free measure of layering your dang clothes.
According to Energy Star, the program is pretty simple. “In order to save energy, consider a temperature set-up of 7 degrees in summer and a setback of 8 degrees in winter when your home is unoccupied for long periods of time and a 4-degree adjustment when occupants are asleep,” reads a super easy to understand suggestion on their website. What is there not to get?
And, look, if you don’t get it then just trust the expert in the house: Dad. Because dad knows. And before you ask, no this isn’t a democracy it’s a benevolent dictatorship so just go take off your socks already and step away from the thermostat.
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