“Priceless,” “Booty-Loving,” “Great With Chili”, & More: Amazon’s Wildest Reviews

Emily Ruane
·18 min read

Most know Amazon as an online shopping destination for household-bulk buys (like batteries, vitamins, and Tide pods, etc.). But, for those of us who spend a lot of time on the site (*raises hand*), we also know that there’s much more hiding within its digital depths. Thanks to our near-daily Amazon rounds, we've come across some serious hidden gems — and we’re not just talking about surprising products.

We’ve discovered written diamonds in the rough hiding among the average weigh-ins on whether or not that collagen cream erases crows’ feet or comments regarding the sizing on that Baywatch-style swimsuit. The unsung Amazon reviews we speak of are funny, ROFL-inducing, and just jaw-dropping enough to stop us in our intrepid shopping tracks.

Now, if you do a little Googling, you may find that the 'zon has gotten wise to all of the comedic-customer talents and has since compiled its own list of knee-slapping reviews (some of which we’ve included in our list). However, most of the outrageous reviews ahead are gems we’ve stumbled upon while combing for the stuff we already know our readers love — so, consider this an R29-original of Amazon's wildest reviews. Scroll on into the virtual vignettes of hilarity, crushing irony, and eye-popping honesty; all prompted by John Q. Public’s strong feelings surrounding, say, paper towels.

Reviews have been edited for spelling and grammatical accuracy only.

At Refinery29, we’re here to help you navigate this overwhelming world of stuff. All of our market picks are independently selected and curated by the editorial team. If you buy something we link to on our site, Refinery29 may earn commission.

<h2>The Screaming Goat (Book and Figurine Set)<br></h2><br><strong>What is it? </strong>A noise-making toy and accompanying trivia book based on an <a href="https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/yelling-goat" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:early-internet viral video" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">early-internet viral video</a><br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take?</strong> “I keep screaming, but God doesn’t hear me,” lamented <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R30JP4CUD4V407/ref=cm_cr_getr_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=0762459816" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:reviewer Lofti M" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">reviewer Lofti M</a>. “Have you ever wanted to let your coworkers know that you’re not interested in what Tina did last night on ‘Married at First Sight’? What about when Ted starts talking again about his failures on PlentyofFish?<br><br>Let's face it, we’ve all be there. We’ve all quietly screamed into the void and just wanted it all to stop, but letting that out is rude and might get you a visit from HR.<br><br>Luckily there’s a better option, a tiny screaming goat that will let your coworkers know how you really feel about things! And everyone will laugh even though they, like you, are feeling horribly uncomfortable right now.”<br><br><strong>RP Minis</strong> Screaming Goat (Book and Figure), $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/35C7p1l" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

The Screaming Goat (Book and Figurine Set)


What is it? A noise-making toy and accompanying trivia book based on an early-internet viral video

What’s the hottest take? “I keep screaming, but God doesn’t hear me,” lamented reviewer Lofti M. “Have you ever wanted to let your coworkers know that you’re not interested in what Tina did last night on ‘Married at First Sight’? What about when Ted starts talking again about his failures on PlentyofFish?

Let's face it, we’ve all be there. We’ve all quietly screamed into the void and just wanted it all to stop, but letting that out is rude and might get you a visit from HR.

Luckily there’s a better option, a tiny screaming goat that will let your coworkers know how you really feel about things! And everyone will laugh even though they, like you, are feeling horribly uncomfortable right now.”

RP Minis Screaming Goat (Book and Figure), $, available at Amazon
<h2>By The Cup Assorted Dehydrated Cereal Marshmallow Bits<br></h2><br><strong>What is it? </strong>A three-pound bag of the “marshmallow” pieces from youthful cereals like Lucky Charms<br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take? </strong>While a grain-free bowl of “just the marshmallows” is a childhood dream come true for many cereal-lovers, some reviewers found that the fantasy quickly went south. Erin Nissey writes: “While the product arrived in good shape, on time and as expected, I really wasn’t clear on how much 3 POUNDS of dehydrated marshmallows would actually be. Unless you are Lucky the Leprechaun and the factory that made those delicious bits of sugary heaven closed down for good, there is no reason that anyone should ever, ever need this many cereal marshmallows. There are literally (not actually literally) a million marshmallows in this bag. Every time I look at it, I start laughing. But not a cheerful, mirthful laugh. More like a wild, panicky laugh as I contemplate how I’ll ever finish this bag of marshmallows. I may end up willing these to my grandchildren, which means I need to get busy finding a husband because I'm 37 years old and don’t even have a children yet. It’s TOO MUCH PRESSURE! Really, seriously, if you’re drunkenly surfing Amazon at 3 AM and think, ‘I’ve always wanted a box of Lucky Charms but none of the yucky oat bits’ — reconsider. Turn back. Maybe start with the pound bag and see how that works for you. Don’t make the mistake I made.”<br><br> <br><br><strong>By The Cup</strong> Assorted Dehydrated Cereal Marshmallow Bits, $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/3qiDP8X" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

By The Cup Assorted Dehydrated Cereal Marshmallow Bits


What is it? A three-pound bag of the “marshmallow” pieces from youthful cereals like Lucky Charms

What’s the hottest take? While a grain-free bowl of “just the marshmallows” is a childhood dream come true for many cereal-lovers, some reviewers found that the fantasy quickly went south. Erin Nissey writes: “While the product arrived in good shape, on time and as expected, I really wasn’t clear on how much 3 POUNDS of dehydrated marshmallows would actually be. Unless you are Lucky the Leprechaun and the factory that made those delicious bits of sugary heaven closed down for good, there is no reason that anyone should ever, ever need this many cereal marshmallows. There are literally (not actually literally) a million marshmallows in this bag. Every time I look at it, I start laughing. But not a cheerful, mirthful laugh. More like a wild, panicky laugh as I contemplate how I’ll ever finish this bag of marshmallows. I may end up willing these to my grandchildren, which means I need to get busy finding a husband because I'm 37 years old and don’t even have a children yet. It’s TOO MUCH PRESSURE! Really, seriously, if you’re drunkenly surfing Amazon at 3 AM and think, ‘I’ve always wanted a box of Lucky Charms but none of the yucky oat bits’ — reconsider. Turn back. Maybe start with the pound bag and see how that works for you. Don’t make the mistake I made.”



By The Cup Assorted Dehydrated Cereal Marshmallow Bits, $, available at Amazon
<h2>Seasum Scrunch Butt Leggings</h2><br><strong>What are they? </strong>Leggings embellished with a ruched butt seam intended to enhance the derrière<br><br><strong>The hottest take?</strong> “I about killed my husband,” wrote MsAshlynnPaige. “Now, I typically do have quite a bit of booty. You can’t fake it all, unfortunately. But my booty-loving husband about fainted when I sent him this photo at work. He asked me to get more pairs, LOL. If you don’t got it, this will make it look like you do. If you do have it, it’ll slaughter a battlefield of men and leaving them drowning in blood at your feet. Or you know, they’ll try to pretend they’re not checking you out.”<br><br><strong>Seasum</strong> Scrunch Butt Leggings, $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/3i44CTD" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Seasum Scrunch Butt Leggings


What are they? Leggings embellished with a ruched butt seam intended to enhance the derrière

The hottest take? “I about killed my husband,” wrote MsAshlynnPaige. “Now, I typically do have quite a bit of booty. You can’t fake it all, unfortunately. But my booty-loving husband about fainted when I sent him this photo at work. He asked me to get more pairs, LOL. If you don’t got it, this will make it look like you do. If you do have it, it’ll slaughter a battlefield of men and leaving them drowning in blood at your feet. Or you know, they’ll try to pretend they’re not checking you out.”

Seasum Scrunch Butt Leggings, $, available at Amazon
<h2>Satan’s Blood Chile Pepper Extract Hot Sauce</h2><br><strong>What is it? </strong>A 800,000 <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scoville_scale" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Scoville unit" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Scoville unit</a>-chile extract <br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take?</strong> Reviewer Gordon Grove called this fiery elixir “a must-have supernatural sauce. Was able to raise the Antichrist and summon demons with ease. Also great with chili,” he added.<br><br><br><strong>Sauce Crafter’s Direct</strong> Satan's Blood Chile Pepper Extract Hot Sauce, $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/3q1T4mt" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Satan’s Blood Chile Pepper Extract Hot Sauce


What is it? A 800,000 Scoville unit-chile extract

What’s the hottest take? Reviewer Gordon Grove called this fiery elixir “a must-have supernatural sauce. Was able to raise the Antichrist and summon demons with ease. Also great with chili,” he added.


Sauce Crafter’s Direct Satan's Blood Chile Pepper Extract Hot Sauce, $, available at Amazon
<h2>The Mountain Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt<br></h2><br><strong>What is it?</strong> A tie-dyed shirt-sterpiece depicting three wolves howling at a crystalline moon<br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take?</strong> While this internet-famous shirt was not our discovery, we couldn’t leave it off our list. Can you think of any other Amazon product that’s made <a href="https://www.filmgarb.com/dwights-three-wolf-moon-shirt/https://www.filmgarb.com/dwights-three-wolf-moon-shirt/" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:a cameo on the “The Office”" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">a cameo on the “The Office”</a> and can claim its own <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Wolf_Moon" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Wikipedia entry" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Wikipedia entry</a>? It’s nearly impossible to choose the funniest review out of the 4,657 that the tee currently boasts, but we liked the message of female empowerment embedded in Joanna’s: “What can I say about this shirt that hasn’t already been written? Its powers are mythic and nothing short of miraculous. I bought it for my three-year-old girl who loves wolves. On the first day she wore it, she was able to recite pi to 98 digits. The second day she wore it, she was able to play a Mozart concerto on her B Meowsic keyboard. Right now, she is busy painting the ceiling of her bedroom in crayons, a masterpiece that will surely rival the Sistene Chapel in its majesty. We are expecting her acceptance letter to Harvard any day now. If you are at all invested in the future of your child, you must buy this shirt. Don't bother with expensive prep schools, tutoring, coaches... three wolves on a t-shirt is all you need.” In sum, she explained, “if you love your child, you must buy this shirt.”<br><br><br><strong>The Mountain Store</strong> Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt, $, available at <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B017WQV2L0" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

The Mountain Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt


What is it? A tie-dyed shirt-sterpiece depicting three wolves howling at a crystalline moon

What’s the hottest take? While this internet-famous shirt was not our discovery, we couldn’t leave it off our list. Can you think of any other Amazon product that’s made a cameo on the “The Office” and can claim its own Wikipedia entry? It’s nearly impossible to choose the funniest review out of the 4,657 that the tee currently boasts, but we liked the message of female empowerment embedded in Joanna’s: “What can I say about this shirt that hasn’t already been written? Its powers are mythic and nothing short of miraculous. I bought it for my three-year-old girl who loves wolves. On the first day she wore it, she was able to recite pi to 98 digits. The second day she wore it, she was able to play a Mozart concerto on her B Meowsic keyboard. Right now, she is busy painting the ceiling of her bedroom in crayons, a masterpiece that will surely rival the Sistene Chapel in its majesty. We are expecting her acceptance letter to Harvard any day now. If you are at all invested in the future of your child, you must buy this shirt. Don't bother with expensive prep schools, tutoring, coaches... three wolves on a t-shirt is all you need.” In sum, she explained, “if you love your child, you must buy this shirt.”


The Mountain Store Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt, $, available at Amazon
<h2>Brawny Tear-a-Square Paper Towels</h2><br><strong>What are they?</strong> Paper towels ingeniously perforated into quarters for more economical use<br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take?</strong> Reviewer Tasha L. Driver writes: “My 76-year-old father was visiting from out of town and went to grab a piece of paper towel from the holder. Now, he already uses the pick-a-size variety at his home, so you’d think that tear-a-square wouldn’t be a huge stretch, right?<br><br>Wrong.<br><br>He was baffled. Baffled, I tell you! ‘What on Earth is this new-fangled contraption? What would you need such a tiny piece for?’<br>So, I rattled off their many uses: dinner napkins, coasters, polishing silverware, purse napkins (the ladies know what I'm talking about), homemade wet wipes to keep in your purse, make-up remover towelettes, something to blow your nose with when you’re out of Kleenex but don’t want to waste a whole paper towel, and so, so much more.<br><br>What did he do after that explanation? He grabbed thirty sheets and stalked off calling me a crazy millennial. For the record, I’m forty, but I don't think the Boomers care anymore.”<br><br><strong>Brawny</strong> Tear-A-Square Paper Towels (12 Rolls), $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/3opve3H" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Brawny Tear-a-Square Paper Towels


What are they? Paper towels ingeniously perforated into quarters for more economical use

What’s the hottest take? Reviewer Tasha L. Driver writes: “My 76-year-old father was visiting from out of town and went to grab a piece of paper towel from the holder. Now, he already uses the pick-a-size variety at his home, so you’d think that tear-a-square wouldn’t be a huge stretch, right?

Wrong.

He was baffled. Baffled, I tell you! ‘What on Earth is this new-fangled contraption? What would you need such a tiny piece for?’
So, I rattled off their many uses: dinner napkins, coasters, polishing silverware, purse napkins (the ladies know what I'm talking about), homemade wet wipes to keep in your purse, make-up remover towelettes, something to blow your nose with when you’re out of Kleenex but don’t want to waste a whole paper towel, and so, so much more.

What did he do after that explanation? He grabbed thirty sheets and stalked off calling me a crazy millennial. For the record, I’m forty, but I don't think the Boomers care anymore.”

Brawny Tear-A-Square Paper Towels (12 Rolls), $, available at Amazon
<h2>Fashionclubs Mini Babies</h2><br><strong>What is it? </strong>A set of 200 miniature plastic infants<br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take? </strong>Common accessories for a perplexing baby-shower parlor game, these Lilliputian foundlings are experiencing a spike in popularity thanks to a bizarre TikTok trend. Says Jennifer: “I bought these so I could hide them everywhere for my fiancé to find. At first he thought it was a charming new bit of mine. He thought I only had one or two of these tiny plastic babies. He thought wrong. Hearing his deep exhausted sigh followed by ‘Oh my God’ because he has found baby no. 175 has brought me more joy than I could ever describe. The fear in his eyes when he opens anything because he is expecting a small plastic baby has produced more serotonin than you can imagine. He is a broken man. I have destroyed his hope of living a life free of tiny plastic babies. We will be finding these for the next 70 years. I will purchase these again.”<br><br><br><br><strong>Fashionclubs</strong> Mini Babies, $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/2XBua0W" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Fashionclubs Mini Babies


What is it? A set of 200 miniature plastic infants

What’s the hottest take? Common accessories for a perplexing baby-shower parlor game, these Lilliputian foundlings are experiencing a spike in popularity thanks to a bizarre TikTok trend. Says Jennifer: “I bought these so I could hide them everywhere for my fiancé to find. At first he thought it was a charming new bit of mine. He thought I only had one or two of these tiny plastic babies. He thought wrong. Hearing his deep exhausted sigh followed by ‘Oh my God’ because he has found baby no. 175 has brought me more joy than I could ever describe. The fear in his eyes when he opens anything because he is expecting a small plastic baby has produced more serotonin than you can imagine. He is a broken man. I have destroyed his hope of living a life free of tiny plastic babies. We will be finding these for the next 70 years. I will purchase these again.”



Fashionclubs Mini Babies, $, available at Amazon
<h2>Passion Lubes Warming Water-Based Body Glide<br></h2><br><strong>What is it? </strong>A 55-gallon drum of lube, priced to move at just under $2,000<br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take?</strong> Reviewer Spencer wove a sad yarn that sounds hauntingly familiar: “Bought this for a wrestling tournament for my boy Blue’s birthday and it worked great. Unfortunately, he passed away later that night, so I gave it a 4-star review because we haven’t gotten the autopsy back yet. We are pretty sure it was due to natural causes, but will update [the review] to a 5 stars when we’re sure the lube had no hand in the matter.”<br><br><br><br><strong>Passion Lubes</strong> Warming Water-Based Body Glide (55 Gallon Drum), $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/3oCDFJ6" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Passion Lubes Warming Water-Based Body Glide


What is it? A 55-gallon drum of lube, priced to move at just under $2,000

What’s the hottest take? Reviewer Spencer wove a sad yarn that sounds hauntingly familiar: “Bought this for a wrestling tournament for my boy Blue’s birthday and it worked great. Unfortunately, he passed away later that night, so I gave it a 4-star review because we haven’t gotten the autopsy back yet. We are pretty sure it was due to natural causes, but will update [the review] to a 5 stars when we’re sure the lube had no hand in the matter.”



Passion Lubes Warming Water-Based Body Glide (55 Gallon Drum), $, available at Amazon
<h2>Wallmonkeys “Golf Cart Seniors” Wall Decal</h2><br><strong>What is it? </strong>A one-foot vinyl sticker depicting two old folks in a golf cart<br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take? </strong>“I love them,” wrote reviewer William Hinrichsen. “I’ve always wanted to have a threesome. Due to my tragic appearance and odorous scent, I have not had many opportunities to chase this dream. That all changed when I met Mortimer and Blanche, and now every night is kaleidescope of passion.”<br><br><strong>Wallmonkeys</strong> “Golf Cart Seniors” Wall Decal, $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/3s1jBSG" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Wallmonkeys “Golf Cart Seniors” Wall Decal


What is it? A one-foot vinyl sticker depicting two old folks in a golf cart

What’s the hottest take? “I love them,” wrote reviewer William Hinrichsen. “I’ve always wanted to have a threesome. Due to my tragic appearance and odorous scent, I have not had many opportunities to chase this dream. That all changed when I met Mortimer and Blanche, and now every night is kaleidescope of passion.”

Wallmonkeys “Golf Cart Seniors” Wall Decal, $, available at Amazon
<h2>Dr. Tobias Colon Cleanse Supplement</h2><br><strong>What is it?</strong> A two-week bowel-emptying regimen<br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take?</strong> Reviewer Laura was kind enough to share her daily log — guffaw! — of her weeklong cleansing journey. <br><br>“Day 1: Took one last night and pooped twice. First time was pretty big. The coffee I had was a huge mistake. My bowel evacuated quickly and kinda liquidy.<br><br>Day 2: Big poop this morning! Stomach cramped a bit but just pooed it out. Later in the day it hit me and I farted really loud in front of my boss. Not sure if this pill is a mistake, but it’s doing its job.<br><br>Day 3: Some stomach cramping but it all exited just fine. I had to stop at a gas station on the way to work to do my business, it wouldn’t wait.<br><br>Day 4: I’M MELTING OUT MY BUTT. Save me!!<br><br>Day 5: I think my stomach’s getting used to it. Make sure to drink lots of water.<br><br>Day 6: Almost there... my colon better be clean.<br><br>Day 7: I successfully completed a week. I recommend this product. But be wary of the farts, stomach cramps, and always be close to a toilet!”<br><br><em>Note: Statements regarding dietary supplements have not been evaluated by the FDA and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or health condition.</em> <em>Please read the <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Tobias-Colon-Day-Quick-Cleanse/dp/B00ISAPPLI" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:safety information" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">safety information</a> before using this product.</em><br><br><strong>Dr. Tobias</strong> Colon Cleanse Supplement, $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/3njkx1a" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Dr. Tobias Colon Cleanse Supplement


What is it? A two-week bowel-emptying regimen

What’s the hottest take? Reviewer Laura was kind enough to share her daily log — guffaw! — of her weeklong cleansing journey.

“Day 1: Took one last night and pooped twice. First time was pretty big. The coffee I had was a huge mistake. My bowel evacuated quickly and kinda liquidy.

Day 2: Big poop this morning! Stomach cramped a bit but just pooed it out. Later in the day it hit me and I farted really loud in front of my boss. Not sure if this pill is a mistake, but it’s doing its job.

Day 3: Some stomach cramping but it all exited just fine. I had to stop at a gas station on the way to work to do my business, it wouldn’t wait.

Day 4: I’M MELTING OUT MY BUTT. Save me!!

Day 5: I think my stomach’s getting used to it. Make sure to drink lots of water.

Day 6: Almost there... my colon better be clean.

Day 7: I successfully completed a week. I recommend this product. But be wary of the farts, stomach cramps, and always be close to a toilet!”

Note: Statements regarding dietary supplements have not been evaluated by the FDA and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or health condition. Please read the safety information before using this product.

Dr. Tobias Colon Cleanse Supplement, $, available at Amazon
<h2>Accoutrements Horse Head Mask</h2><br><strong>What is it?</strong> A human-size rubber replica of an equine visage<br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take?</strong> Amazon reviewer DP weaves a cautionary tale: “I could write some bulls**t story about aliens or something, but no. This horse mask changed my life. I wore it to work the day I got it, and my boss laughed so hard he gave me a raise and the day off and offered to take me out for a drink later that day to talk about my future at the company. So then, already beaming with pure ecstasy, I decided to walk the mile and a half back to my apartment instead of taking the train. I figured it was my good luck charm. <br><br>So, I was passing a Starbucks, and because of my limited field of vision (you can only see out the nostrils and mouth), I bumped into someone and they fell, spilling their hot coffee all over me. As I removed the horse mask, I could hear a light-hearted voice apologizing to me in unison. I was amazed that anyone who had their $8.00 coffee spilled by an idiot in a horse mask could do anything but scream at them. But no. As I looked out from under my mask, I saw a light, and following it, the most beautiful angelic woman I had ever seen. She said she’d never met anyone so bold and stupid to saunter about in a horse mask during lunch hours, and told me she’d just been fired. I offered to buy her lunch. We went to a local sandwich shop and got two Italian subs and chips, but she insisted we take them to the park for a picnic. <br><br>That was a year ago. We are engaged now. I have never and will never love anyone else for the rest of my days. Thank you, Accoutrements Horse Head Mask. The real change this horse mask enabled though wasn’t a career or love life change, it was much more significant. I’ve always had a thing for stars and planets, and have quite a nice telescope I like to gaze out at night while having a few beers. Shortly after the meeting of my fiance and career advancement, I was doing the usual around 11, looking out my telescope at constellations. There was something different this time though. <br><br>I was wearing my mask. But I thought nothing of it, it was just a good luck charm. Now I don’t know how much anyone reading this knows about light refraction, but given the right light and angles, a telescope can become a microscope on the person looking through it. This was when they saw me. On their planet, Equine-like creatures are the prime predator. They fired shots. I barely escaped with my life. They are coming. This planet will be theirs. But when you see them, raise a defiant fist, and put on your Accoutrements Horse Head Mask. Die with honor. This is the end.”<br><br><strong>Accoutrements</strong> Horse Head Mask, $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/35i1G0s" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask


What is it? A human-size rubber replica of an equine visage

What’s the hottest take? Amazon reviewer DP weaves a cautionary tale: “I could write some bulls**t story about aliens or something, but no. This horse mask changed my life. I wore it to work the day I got it, and my boss laughed so hard he gave me a raise and the day off and offered to take me out for a drink later that day to talk about my future at the company. So then, already beaming with pure ecstasy, I decided to walk the mile and a half back to my apartment instead of taking the train. I figured it was my good luck charm.

So, I was passing a Starbucks, and because of my limited field of vision (you can only see out the nostrils and mouth), I bumped into someone and they fell, spilling their hot coffee all over me. As I removed the horse mask, I could hear a light-hearted voice apologizing to me in unison. I was amazed that anyone who had their $8.00 coffee spilled by an idiot in a horse mask could do anything but scream at them. But no. As I looked out from under my mask, I saw a light, and following it, the most beautiful angelic woman I had ever seen. She said she’d never met anyone so bold and stupid to saunter about in a horse mask during lunch hours, and told me she’d just been fired. I offered to buy her lunch. We went to a local sandwich shop and got two Italian subs and chips, but she insisted we take them to the park for a picnic.

That was a year ago. We are engaged now. I have never and will never love anyone else for the rest of my days. Thank you, Accoutrements Horse Head Mask. The real change this horse mask enabled though wasn’t a career or love life change, it was much more significant. I’ve always had a thing for stars and planets, and have quite a nice telescope I like to gaze out at night while having a few beers. Shortly after the meeting of my fiance and career advancement, I was doing the usual around 11, looking out my telescope at constellations. There was something different this time though.

I was wearing my mask. But I thought nothing of it, it was just a good luck charm. Now I don’t know how much anyone reading this knows about light refraction, but given the right light and angles, a telescope can become a microscope on the person looking through it. This was when they saw me. On their planet, Equine-like creatures are the prime predator. They fired shots. I barely escaped with my life. They are coming. This planet will be theirs. But when you see them, raise a defiant fist, and put on your Accoutrements Horse Head Mask. Die with honor. This is the end.”

Accoutrements Horse Head Mask, $, available at Amazon
<h2>Bob Ross Novelty Crew Socks</h2><br><strong>What are they? </strong>Comfy crew socks adorned with the smiling likeness of the pioneering PBS painter<br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take? </strong>“bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross,” wrote reviewer Alexis. “bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross,” she continued, adding that “bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross.”<br><br><strong>oooyeah</strong> Bob Ross Novelty Socks, $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/3s6m520" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Bob Ross Novelty Crew Socks


What are they? Comfy crew socks adorned with the smiling likeness of the pioneering PBS painter

What’s the hottest take? “bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross,” wrote reviewer Alexis. “bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross,” she continued, adding that “bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross bob ross.”

oooyeah Bob Ross Novelty Socks, $, available at Amazon
<h2>Inflatable Hippo Ballerina Costume<br></h2><br><strong>What is it?</strong> An inflatable nylon hippo suit complete with glitter-encrusted tutu<br><br><strong>What the hottest take?</strong> “After weeks of self isolating and daily Zoom meetings, I decided to show up to our video meetings in costume. After two weeks of meetings, I was running out of costumes at home, so I took to Amazon to search for the perfect costume. This hippo was very well priced, so I decided to invest in my personal amusement. To my surprise, my boss called us all back to the office the day after my package arrived, so I planned to wear this lovely hippo to our first day back to the office. Not only was it so much fun skipping down the sidewalk to my office in a giant hippo but the reaction of everyone at the office was priceless. Two thumbs way up! This is going to get used again and again.”<br><br><strong>Rubie's Costume Co.</strong> Inflatable Ballerina Hippo Costume, $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/2OfCpw2" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Inflatable Hippo Ballerina Costume


What is it? An inflatable nylon hippo suit complete with glitter-encrusted tutu

What the hottest take? “After weeks of self isolating and daily Zoom meetings, I decided to show up to our video meetings in costume. After two weeks of meetings, I was running out of costumes at home, so I took to Amazon to search for the perfect costume. This hippo was very well priced, so I decided to invest in my personal amusement. To my surprise, my boss called us all back to the office the day after my package arrived, so I planned to wear this lovely hippo to our first day back to the office. Not only was it so much fun skipping down the sidewalk to my office in a giant hippo but the reaction of everyone at the office was priceless. Two thumbs way up! This is going to get used again and again.”

Rubie's Costume Co. Inflatable Ballerina Hippo Costume, $, available at Amazon
<h2>Bombex Clitorial Sucking Vibrator</h2><br><strong>What is it?</strong> A reader-favorite sex toy boasting ten different suction speeds, over 4,000 glowing reviews, and countless orgasms<br><br><strong>What’s the hottest take?</strong> Reviewer ThrowMyFaith, who called this top-rated vibrator “a literal ride,” described her experience with cinematic accuracy: “Fade in. Pictured, you, going about your day on the ol’ Amazon, checking out some adult toys that are going viral. You read some of these reviews and think ‘Ah yes, that’s just what I'm looking for!’ You know yourself, you know what you like, you’ve been around the block a few times with adult products, you think you can handle it.<br><br>You can’t. I love this thing, but I’m sitting here on the lowest setting and my leg starts kicking like a dog getting its belly scratched after .5 seconds once I find the right angle. I now fully understand the reviews for similar products who say they turned it on and screamed, fumbled to turn it down, accidentally turned it up, passed out, projected themselves into the astral plane, met God, and never really came back. This isn’t the old me typing this, it’s simply what’s left of me.<br><br>Nice packaging, does take a while to charge but conversely will probably take me a while to wear the battery back down seeing as I can only use it for about six seconds at a time before I die. Seems easy enough to clean. Recommend only if you’re comfortable with focused, intense sensations and have written your will.”<br><br><strong>BOMBEX</strong> Clitorial Sucking Vibrator, $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/38lZZRt" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Bombex Clitorial Sucking Vibrator


What is it? A reader-favorite sex toy boasting ten different suction speeds, over 4,000 glowing reviews, and countless orgasms

What’s the hottest take? Reviewer ThrowMyFaith, who called this top-rated vibrator “a literal ride,” described her experience with cinematic accuracy: “Fade in. Pictured, you, going about your day on the ol’ Amazon, checking out some adult toys that are going viral. You read some of these reviews and think ‘Ah yes, that’s just what I'm looking for!’ You know yourself, you know what you like, you’ve been around the block a few times with adult products, you think you can handle it.

You can’t. I love this thing, but I’m sitting here on the lowest setting and my leg starts kicking like a dog getting its belly scratched after .5 seconds once I find the right angle. I now fully understand the reviews for similar products who say they turned it on and screamed, fumbled to turn it down, accidentally turned it up, passed out, projected themselves into the astral plane, met God, and never really came back. This isn’t the old me typing this, it’s simply what’s left of me.

Nice packaging, does take a while to charge but conversely will probably take me a while to wear the battery back down seeing as I can only use it for about six seconds at a time before I die. Seems easy enough to clean. Recommend only if you’re comfortable with focused, intense sensations and have written your will.”

BOMBEX Clitorial Sucking Vibrator, $, available at Amazon
<h2>Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer</h2><br><strong>What is it?</strong> A banana-shaped slicing tool that ... slices ... bananas. <br><br><strong>What’s the</strong> <strong>hottest take? </strong>This iconic gag gift has racked up quite a few Pulitzer-worthy reviews over the years, and it’s hard to choose just one from the pool of endlessly creative takes on the sheer brilliance of this gadget. We appreciated reviewer <a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/R36EXOXTUQ1TJP/ref=cm_cr_dp_d_rvw_ttl?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B0047E0EII" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Michael J. Corken’s vérité-style account" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Michael J. Corken’s vérité-style account</a>: “This will end all your trepidations concerning the slicing of all bananas,” he started out. “For years my household would draw lots as to who would have to slice the banana. More than once this lead to lots of blood and a trip to the emergency room. Now we don’t have to worry about losing a finger or an occasional body part. Slicing bananas no longer resembles a scene from <em>The Texas Chainsaw Massacre</em>. Thank you Huzler 571! If only we’d found this product sooner, my wife would be able to wear her wedding band on the correct finger and junior wouldn’t be known as ‘3-Finger Jack’. Better late than never I say!”<br><br><br><strong>Hutzler</strong> Banana Slicer, $, available at <a href="https://amzn.to/3hRrtRS" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer


What is it? A banana-shaped slicing tool that ... slices ... bananas.

What’s the hottest take? This iconic gag gift has racked up quite a few Pulitzer-worthy reviews over the years, and it’s hard to choose just one from the pool of endlessly creative takes on the sheer brilliance of this gadget. We appreciated reviewer Michael J. Corken’s vérité-style account: “This will end all your trepidations concerning the slicing of all bananas,” he started out. “For years my household would draw lots as to who would have to slice the banana. More than once this lead to lots of blood and a trip to the emergency room. Now we don’t have to worry about losing a finger or an occasional body part. Slicing bananas no longer resembles a scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Thank you Huzler 571! If only we’d found this product sooner, my wife would be able to wear her wedding band on the correct finger and junior wouldn’t be known as ‘3-Finger Jack’. Better late than never I say!”


Hutzler Banana Slicer, $, available at Amazon
<h2>OOFOS Unisex OOCloog</h2><br><strong>What are they?<br></strong><br><strong>What’s the hottest take? </strong>“These are the most unsexy shoes a person could possibly put on their feet. However, they are just pure bliss to wear. After developing plantar fasciitis, I had to start wearing my super expensive running shoes to my job at a veterinary practice and ditch the cheaper athletic shoes I had. I purchased a pair of the oofos flip flops to wear at home since I was advised to avoid going barefoot as much as possible. The flip flops were a blessing - no heel pain, super awesome arch support. Once I realized I didn't want to wear out my running shoes I purchased these to wear to work instead. Out of the box, they are the most comfortable thing you will ever put on your feet. I have slightly wide feet with bunions and these fit just fine with thin athletic socks. I wear a women's 9, and these were better fitting than the flip flop which I felt ran almost a size too big. Seriously, shut up and just buy them.”<br><br><br><strong>OOFOS</strong> Unisex OOCloog, $, available at <a href="https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AECHT08" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank" data-ylk="slk:Amazon" class="link rapid-noclick-resp">Amazon</a>

OOFOS Unisex OOCloog


What are they?

What’s the hottest take? “These are the most unsexy shoes a person could possibly put on their feet. However, they are just pure bliss to wear. After developing plantar fasciitis, I had to start wearing my super expensive running shoes to my job at a veterinary practice and ditch the cheaper athletic shoes I had. I purchased a pair of the oofos flip flops to wear at home since I was advised to avoid going barefoot as much as possible. The flip flops were a blessing - no heel pain, super awesome arch support. Once I realized I didn't want to wear out my running shoes I purchased these to wear to work instead. Out of the box, they are the most comfortable thing you will ever put on your feet. I have slightly wide feet with bunions and these fit just fine with thin athletic socks. I wear a women's 9, and these were better fitting than the flip flop which I felt ran almost a size too big. Seriously, shut up and just buy them.”


OOFOS Unisex OOCloog, $, available at Amazon

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