Congrats, You're a Bridesmaid! Here Are the Jobs You've Signed Up For—and the Ones You Can Skip

By Kim Fusaro

I’ve heard many girls complain that agreeing to be a bridesmaid is like signing on for a part-time (unpaid!) job. And that sucks. A bridesmaid isn’t an actual maid—and sometimes brides seem to forget that. Still, if you’ve agreed to be in the wedding party, you need to put in some money and effort. Here’s what to expect in the months leading up to the wedding:

6 THINGS YOU HAVE TO DO IF YOU’RE A BRIDESMAID If you don’t want to do any of these six things, politely decline when you’re asked to be in the wedding party.

1) Buy a bridesmaid dress—and don’t complain about it. Though some brides will cover the cost of the dress, it’s generally expected (especially in the Northeast, in my experience) that each bridesmaid pays for her own dress, within reason. (And “within reason” will depend on the bridesmaid’s age, employment status, etc.)

2) Show up for the wedding—and dance, damn it. Unless there’s a death in your immediate family or you go into labor, your butt better be at the ceremony and reception, and you better be dancing. (At the latter, not the former. That would be awkward.) Sometimes a mellow crowd needs a few “sympathy dancers” {Rory calls them!} to hit the dance floor and get the party started. The wedding party should always be a part of that group.

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3) Help plan and pay for the bridal shower and bachelorette party. The maid (or matron) of honor is in charge of the parties, but bridesmaids are expected to have ideas, give feedback, help decorate, chip in cash, and assist with the hostess duties. If you’re on a limited budget, be up front about it. (“I’m excited for Lauren’s shower. I know we all have great ideas, so let’s try to set a budget right away so we don’t bankrupt ourselves before the wedding.”) In some cases the mother of the bride or groom will kick in funds for the shower—or even offer to host—but this is the exception, not the expectation.

4) Attend the bridal shower, bachelorette party, wedding rehearsal, and rehearsal dinner, unless there are major constraints. The bride can’t demand that every bridesmaid be at every pre-wedding event, but you should do your absolute best to be at all of them. (The exception, IMO, is if the bride is having multiple showers. If that’s the case, attending one shower is sufficient.) If you’re a plane or long train ride away or, say, the bridal shower conflicts with a marathon you’ve been training for for months, you get a pass. And a rowdy bachelorette party isn’t mandatory for bridesmaids who are pregnant or brand-new moms. (“Brand-new” meaning they have a newborn at home. Put on your dancing shoes—at least for a few hours—if your kid is older than, say, three months.)

5) Pay for your own transportation and accommodations on the night of the wedding. The bride can’t ask you to camp out in Cabo San Lucas on your dime for the week of her wedding. But if the wedding is far from home, you should expect to spring for an overnight stay. It’s the bride’s job to say up front that bridesmaids’ expenses include a hotel stay.

6) Listen to a little bit of bitching. The bride probably can’t complain to her groom without sparking a fight, so it’s your job to pop open a bottle of wine and put on your listening ears. That said, if the bride is incessantly whining about her horrible mother-in-law or her thoughtless groom or the vendors that are out to get her, it’s within a bridesmaid’s rights to say, “Wedding planning REALLY seems to be stressing you out. Let’s take a break from wedding talk and go for a run/get our nails done/watch a Bachelorette marathon.”

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8 THINGS A BRIDE CAN REASONABLY EXPECT FROM HER BRIDESMAIDS You can get away with saying no to all of these—but the bride is definitely allowed to put in the requests. (And you can’t bitch behind her back if she does!)

1) Help choose bridesmaid dresses. (Or don’t bitch about the dress, if you don’t want to (or can’t) be part of the decision-making process.) The bride is allowed to just pick a dress without consulting you. (It’s not the nicest move, but it’s often impossible to find a dress that EVERYONE will love, so sometimes it’s easier not to ask anyone.) If the bride does ask for your input, don’t barrage her with WON’Ts. (“I won’t wear spaghetti straps! Or an A-Line skirt! Or any shade of pink!”) Instead, let her know about things that make you MAJORLY uncomfortable. (“I’d really love it if we could find a non-strapless dress. If you fall in love with something strapless, I’d be happy to have straps added.”)

2) Pay for bridesmaid “extras,” including shoes, and getting your hair, makeup, and nails professionally done, if all are affordable. Do you want to pay for any of the above? Meh, probably not. But if the bride keeps the cost of the bridesmaid dress down and asks you to pick some gold shoes and get an updo, she’s not being unreasonable. If any are out of your budget, you should definitely speak up. But don’t moan and groan if she asks you to get a manicure. (And if you really don’t want to do any of the above, that’s fine, but be prepared to offer alternatives. “Money is tight so I’d rather do my own nails.” “Is it OK if I wear nude shoes instead of gold?”)

4) Attend the engagement party, unless there are major constraints. Engagement parties are becoming more popular, but they’re usually hosted by family. As a VIP, however, you’re still expected to be there unless you have a major conflict.

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5) Help the bride shop for her wedding dress and accessories, within reason. You don’t have to tag along for a tour of all 14 local bridal boutiques—especially if there are bunch of other people who will be there. But if the bride asks you to join her for a fitting or to help her choose between two gowns, don’t get bejiggity.

6) Help the bride with a few wedding related tasks. The bride can’t insist that you to address invitations, design the program, assemble favors, etc. But it’s not crazy of her to ask (very sweetly) if you’d mind lending a hand. If she seems like the type who’s going to dish out a lot of DIY jobs, let her know up front what you’re free to do: “I’m looking forward to helping with your wedding. I’d love to assemble the invitations, once it’s time.” If you say, “I’m happy to help with EVERYTHING!” you can’t be annoyed when she expects you to.

7) Speak at the rehearsal dinner. This is definitely NOT on the must-do list, but if the maid of honor is giving a wedding-day toast, the bride might ask someone lower on the totem pole to speak the night before. If public speaking makes you want to pee your pants, just let her know.

8) Give a shower and wedding gift. You can adjust the amount you spend depending on the cost of the dress and accessories and whether there’s a hotel stay involved, but I think it’s nice for the bridesmaids to give something. If money starts to get tight—and even if it isn’t—it’s perfectly acceptable for the bridesmaids to chip in for a group shower gift and/or a group wedding gift. To avoid overspending, decided how much you’re going to spend on all the gifts ahead of time. Don’t buy a $100 shower gift and then complain, “Ugh, she expects a wedding gift too?”

Did I miss any important jobs? Do you disagree with anything on my list?

Photo: Dylan Don

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