If you’ve ever gone into a fit of rage because your husband can’t stop, won’t stop shaving his greasy beard mere seconds after you scrubbed the bathroom—this one’s for you
Do you ever sit and ask yourself, “Why do I get so upset over a man who has to be reminded to wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom?” Well, you’re not alone! For some reason, most straight, cis men are barely a step above a barnyard animal when it comes to male hygiene and living with them means adjusting to their grossness. All humans sweat and fart and shave and go to the bathroom, but for some reason when men do all of those things, it’s barf-worthy.
At least that’s how it is for all the women in our Confessional who are extremely over their husbands’ hygiene.
“Dh is gross and I hate sex with him. I avoid it until he starts getting irritable.”
“Most men are useless. They will cheat if given the opportunity, they’re m say, hairy and smelly, and can’t remember a single birthday, holiday, or anniversary… This is why my third spouse is a woman.”
“DH won't brush his teeth until we get home from walking the dog in the morning. He doesn't understand why I don't want to walk next to his smelly self. YUCK.”
“H has a gross smelly faded ball cap. I got him 2 new hats for xmas. Yes 6 months ago.I sware if he wears that gross thing out with me again I will burn it.”
BRUSH YOUR TEETH, GUYS. WASH YOUR HATS. WASH YOUR PITS. WASH YOUR STINKY VINEGAR FEET. God, it’s a miracle these dudes get laid.
“My husband stinks up our clean, beautiful bedsheets almost every night with his bo. I literally wake up with my nose already scrunched up from the smell. I hate him and his fat, smelly body, and I miss having house that didn't stink like man funk.”
“Dh made me suck his hairy balls last night. I won’t do it again unless he shaves them because gross!”
“I'm not shaving my legs until my husband shaves his feet, let 's see how he likes them apples.”
“I used DH's clean laundry to wipe the bathroom sink. He refuses to rinse it after he spits or shaves. So, now his boxer shorts have his phlegm and hairs on them.”
Fellas, please don’t make your wives put your hairy balls in their mouths if they don’t explicitly tell you they prefer hairy balls in their mouths. Someone grab the smelling salts because This Author cannot handle any more of these crusty confessions.
“I found my horse hair body brush, which I always keep in the tub, in the shower. I think H used it on his nasty feet. Gross. Now it's on me to buy another one because he has no fucking boundaries or respect for other peoples' shit. I hate this man.”
“DH bought some man sandals. Told him to take them back or I'm leaving him. I hate to see men's feet out in public, even his.”
“Sitting on the couch and it literally smells like shit..wtaf?! I look around and there it is. My DH boots right next to the couch. His feet stink that bad I can smell them and hes not evwn here. So fucking disgusting!!”
What is it about guys’ feet? Honestly. We all have feet. We all wear shoes. We’ve all had sweaty feet inside our shoes. And sure, everyone has had a little hum to their feet. But there’s just something about men and their feet that’s just next level BAD. Whyyy.
“DH acts like it's an insult that I ask him to take out the trash or the recycling. He leaves dirty clothes everywhere... and I struggle to find him attractive after hearing/smelling his farts and dirty toilet... The toilet brush is NOT decoration..!!!”
“I want romance & passion, not ridiculous comments, farting, belching & nose picking. Is this really how marriage just IS after 13 years?!?”
“Asked husband if he wanted to have sex tonight while flirting, he said no and then farted. Gross.”
“My DH’s family thinks belching and farting in public is normal and funny. NO ONE in my family EVER farted or belched around others if they could help it. It’s so crude and disgusting, it actually offends me.”
There must be an island we can send all these gross guys to, right? Or like, a finishing school for men without a lick of manners? At the very least, they need a manscaping YouTube tutorial before they “make” someone put those wiry walnuts in anyone’s mouth.
Please, men, do better. Women have entire linen closets dedicated to their hygiene, the least you all can do is get some Arm & Hammer for your shoes (or an incinerator) and stop slopping up the damn sink and expecting someone else to clean up after you.