Sexless marriages — both by choice and not by choice — are pretty common among the moms in the confessional
The thing about sex is, even if you’re choosing not to have it or okay with not having it, you’re missing out on the science of it. Sex promotes the flow of oxytocin, which is one powerful hormone. It gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling of love, social bonding, and overall well-being. It promotes feelings of bonding.
So if you’re in a safe marriage but a sexless one, you might love your partner very much and be totally happy with them. But science doesn’t lie.
Beyond that, sex can be pretty fun. It’s free, it’s pleasurable (it should be, anyway), and it can make you feel really close to your partner. But for a lot of moms out there, that is NOT the case at all.
“In my 30’s, have had 4 babies but I feel the best/most confident in my body that I EVER have. My sex drive is also through the roof! BUT I’m stuck in a sexless marriage! FUCK!!! Trying to get out but it’s taking so long. I want to be free to slut it up!”
“My interest in my 16/yo daughter’s new relationship is probably not normal. I miss romance. Married 24 years in a sexless marriage for almost a year after breast cancer diagnosis. Blah.”
“My husband and I are both in a sexless marriage, but only one of us is in a sexless existence, and it's not me. Fuck that sh*t. Life's too short for a dead bedroom.”
Being in a sexless relationship gives some people the urge to look elsewhere for sexual fulfillment, when the sexless choice isn’t theirs.
“I have a crush on my co-worker. I'm in a loving but sexless marriage so this crush has really given me a lot of anxiety. He's always very nice to me, but I think I'm dumpy so I don't think it's a mutual crush. Phew, right?”
“I can only get myself off, never have from sex. In a sexless marriage now. Finishing myself just doesn’t do the trick though, I want real, good sex so badly. I’m only 30, too young to give up sex!!!”
“I used to think cheating was black & white. But now that I’m in a loveless, sexless marriage things look a little different. I could leave but we have little kids & he’s not abusive or terrible so everyone would think I’m awful. What am I supposed to do?”
When you’re a parent, finding the time (and energy, let’s be honest) to do the deed can be difficult AF. In the morning, you risk little people barging in on you and at nighttime, you can barely keep your eyes open. Or, like many moms, nighttime is the only time you get to re-charge and be alone and damn it, you need that time.
“Stuck in unhappy/sexless marriage. In my head I’ve moved to my own clean/quiet house & I’m having the hottest relationship w/ the guy next door who is sweet/affectionate but also sexy/rocks my world in bed. What’s the line between optimistic & delusional?”
“I would be totally ok with my DH getting his sexual needs met elsewhere. I have 0 interest in sex due to depression & hormonal issues & he doesn't deserve to be in a sexless marriage. I know he would be offended if I suggested it though so we both suffer.”
“My post-4-babies body certainly doesn’t look amazing but I've lost all the weight & have been working out. Feeling more confident at 31 than I was at 21. But I’m stuck in loveless/sexless marriage & I feel like I’m wasting my confidence & sex drive!”
Sometimes neither partner is good at initiating it. And, after so long, a lot of the moms in our confessional say it’s hard to remember how to get the romance started.
“Love my DH but I hate that I am in a sexless marriage. And I hate even more that it’s obviously going to fall on me to fix it. He doesn’t seem to care that we don’t have sex. More work for me. Yay.”
“I'm going back on the Pill purely to kill my sex drive. In a sexless marriage & looking elsewhere didn't work out. Noone has time. Men over 40 aren't as sex-crazed as they'd have you believe. Deeply, permanently frustrated & can't live like this anymore.”
“Staying in a sexless marriage because, even though I really, REALLY want sex, the rational part of me says it's not worth losing the 90% of our marriage that's good in order to divorce and start over. I really long for SO to touch me, though...”
Other causes of sexless marriages: there ain’t nothing like new romance to stir up the sexual urges. And once that “new” period is over, there’s no getting it back.
Also? Getting older really does cause sexual arousal levels to diminish, according to Psychology Today. But sexual activity can be as or even more gratifying no matter how old you are.
“DH and I were in a sexless marriage (him). Screaming fight and an ultimatum (me). Now having scheduled sex on Wed and Sat. No excuses unless one of us is sick. He's seeing how much happier I am after 2 mos and is actually wanting to do it.”
“All H wants to talk about with me its his job. But never about our sexless marriage or the many other issues in our relationship. Makes me wonder who’s getting all the attention he used to give me, all the sweet words and all the sex. I feel so tired.”
“H and I had a blowout fight about our sexless marriage. I told him we start having sex on a schedule we set together, have an open marriage, or divorce. He was pissed but chose the schedule. 1 week in, and we are already a lot happier.”
Bottom line: if you’re in a sexless marriage and you don’t want to be, try to find a compromise that works for both of you. If that compromise is one where you both get naked and do stuff, well, hey, GOOD FOR YOU GUYS. Enjoy.