This story contains spoilers for the Season Five finale of Cobra Kai.
The Cobra Kai Season Five finale begins, essentially, with Daniel LaRusso, Johnny Lawrence, Chozen, and Mike Barnes in one place. Forget about everything. Even the part when Terry Silver slices Chozen's back open with a katana and he somehow still lives. What the fuck! Did any child of the '80s ever, ever think that a 60-year-old Ralph Macchio would share the screen with all of his OG trilogy kiddie villains, all at once, looking like that pointing-fingers Spider-Man meme? Three of the four are drunk in this scene, too! Someone! Tell me what's going on.
Well, my friends in this dojo, I guess that job is mine. Cobra Kai debuted its new season on Netflix this Friday, and it's precisely as chaotic as I've implied above. The season finale of The Karate Kid sequel series sees LaRusso, Lawrence, and Chozen pull up to Terry Silver HQ and attempt to murder him?! Is that allowed on a Netflix teen comedy? Regardless, it's a hoot. Chaos ensues. And I have the regrettable task of breaking it all down. Quiet! Here we go.
Yeah, I Want to Give Danny Boy a Swirly, Too
Pardon my French: Cobra Kai Season Six needs to kill Daniel LaRusso. Toast him like an Olive Garden breadstick. Listen, Danny LaRusso was always a whiny little wuss. That was his thing! Like Luke Skywalker, though, age has only made him whinier and wussier. LaRusso spends this season, somehow, even more so than all of the other seasons combined, hammered and putting his children in life-threatening situations. Amanda flirted with the idea this season, but she should've actually left him! If Mr. Miyagi was still around, he'd certainly say, "Daniel-san, you're a little bitch!" If Cobra Kai wants to salvage LaRusso's legacy, they should have the guy make like Tony Stark and sacrifice himself to Kreese. That'd be a hell of an ending.
The Johnny Lawrence Redemption Tour continues, folks. This season sees the man trying to adult, more than ever before. We get a few worthwhile gags along the way, with the Johnny-as-an-Uber-driver bit by far standing out as one of this season's best moments. He even makes good with Miguel and Robby. Oh! He's having a baby with Carmen, too. The Cobra Kai team has to make sure there's another Little Lawrence out there for the 2036 reboot of The Karate Kid, right?
Bye Bye, Terry Ponytail
I'm a fan of Thomas Ian Griffith, don't get me wrong. But Terry Silver didn't work in 1989, and he sure as hell doesn't work now. The season finale sees the culmination of the Silver vs. The Good Guys battle that's been brewing since the very end of Season Three. The above-mentioned crew of drunken senseis (and Mike Barnes) show up to Silver's spot for the above-mentioned homicide attempt. They biff it and get the crap beaten out of them. Meanwhile, at the Cobra Kai dojo, the likes of Sam, Robby, Miguel, and Tory manage to hack into the Cloud to retrieve footage of Silver fixing last season's All-Valley Tournament.
Silver shows up, right on queue. LaRusso has a cute The Karate Kid III flashback montage, which apparently allows him to finally beat up on the man who's seven feet taller than him. The police show up to take Silver away. Cue the obligatory good-guys-sitting-around-the-ambulance postgame.
All's Well That Ends Well For the Outer Ban—Er, Cobra Kai Kids
Aside from a few exceptions, it felt like Cobra Kai sidelined the kids table this time around. (Really, if Netflix Freaky Fridayed the Outer Banks and Cobra Kai teens, would anyone notice?) Here's one thing I will say. Obviously, the kiddos are flipping between Good and Bad every other episode. But there are some redeemable kids on the Bad side, and vice versa. The Season Five finale seems to have placed allegiances in their endgame positions. Robby, Tory, Miguel, and Sam are all aligned. All the others, the ones whose names we really can't remember, are on the just-quit-Cobra Kai side. Everyone feels like they're right where they're supposed to be, except for Kenny! I hate seeing that sweet boy full of so much angst.
Kreese Rises! (Again.)
This is the other thing that's making me think Cobra Kai is inching slowly, but surely, to its end: Kreese breaks out of jail in the episode's closing moments. The OG Karate Kid meanie spent this season in an odd sort of non-redemptive vision quest, but whatever! He'll clearly return to stir up some shit in Season Six. If you ask me, the best conclusion to Cobra Kai would be bringing it all back to the beginning. Danny, Johnny, Kreese, and an all-out war for the original Cobra Kai dojo. The shitty one in the retail mall. Or maybe the series should just go full rom-com and follow Chozen's wooing of Kumiko. Now that's a spinoff I'd watch.
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