Jeremy and Autumn didn’t have the world’s longest courtship. Just a few months after they met, they got married in Jeremy’s brother’s backyard, and had their first baby soon after. Life since has been as hectic, as they own a Martial Arts school and each run a podcast. They also write books and run parenting coaching camps. So, yeah, life’s busy. When it comes to their sex life, they value quality, not quantity. Here, Jeremy and Autumn talk about how they maintain a healthy sex life amidst such a busy life, building up to sex over a few days, and the importance of orgasm control.
The Couple: Jeremy (44) and Autumn (28)
Years Married: 6
Years Together: 6.5
Number of Kids: One: a five-year-old daughter
Occupations: Karate master, martial arts school owner, podcaster, parenting coach (him), podcaster, career coach (her)
How has your sex life changed after your daughter was born?
Autumn: Our daughter was born 14 weeks early. I had an emergency C-section. It took us probably a good two to three months for us to really get back into the swing of things, with even just remotely wanting to be intimate. It wasn’t only for biological or health reasons. We were just different. We were showing up as different people every day. I think it was hard for us to find ourselves back in the relationship a little bit.
Jeremy: The baby was early, and she was recovering from major surgery. Our baby was in the hospital. We were running a brick and mortar business. We had to manage a lot of different moving parts. We had a connection. We were cuddling and snuggling. But her scar was really, really tender and she had a really difficult pregnancy because she was in such good shape that she got something called round ligament pain. So she was just in constant pain and her body was going through all the different hormones and recovering.
There were days she was just defeated. She’d feel guilty and unattractive. I was just holding that line and reassuring her that I loved her, desired her and that I wasn’t in a rush. That was a great frame of reference: the words of affirmation. Being able to talk to her about what was going on was a very powerful form of connection for us. Knowing how she receives love, I could keep that line of communication.
So what happened around that two to three month mark that helped you guys start getting physically intimate again?
A: Straight up, at one point, I think our bodies wanted to have sex before our minds did.
J: I was really concerned about hurting her, and she was very sensitive from the surgery for about 18 months to two years, she was just tender where the scar was. So, you know. That changed things. I didn’t want to break her!
A: We definitely tried other things in the bedroom. Our sex life has evolved so much since we’ve been dating, because we are parents and because we are busy people. Like, the time that we have together now is almost more sacred and almost more important to us. We appreciate and love it even more, because it’s the only time where he’s not a dad, I’m not a mom. He’s not busy. I’m not working. It’s just the time when we can genuinely connect again.
How often are you two having sex at this point? Is it more about quality than quantity now?
A: Yeah. I think that the quality has gotten better, even though the quantity has gone down. Before, when we were dating, we could genuinely have sex three times a day. Right now, sometimes I’m lucky if I sit down three times a day.
The reality is, when it does happen, we’ve gotten into stacking orgasms. So, even though we’re not having sex three times a day, I’m having an orgasm three times every time we have sex.
J: More like 11-15.
A: Okay, calm yourself.
J: For a long time, I had a negative self image. The way I proved my value to other people was in the things I could do. So when I was dating, I had this thing where I was just giving people a ton of pleasure because that was how I showed I was worth anything. I was involved with a lot of takers, not a lot of givers. That’s just totally different now. But, I learned about orgasm control and how to stack orgasms. A lot of times, we’ll just have five to 15 minutes of her being in this wonderful place. I get to experience it and be a contributor to that and it’s an amazing thing.
A: Because we have had sex as long as we have, Jeremy knows how to get me there. We’ve averaged it. It takes about seven minutes.
J: She’s very responsive. I enjoy that. I’m the maestro and she gets to dance.
What would you guys say was the last time you had great sex?
J: It was probably Monday.
A: [laughs.] Because we are so busy, those moments where we do get intimate, it’s so special. It’s like fireworks. There have been dry spells, in all honesty, where we’re going through a stressful time in the business, or when our kid is just super, crazy busy, and yeah, sex doesn’t happen. It could be two or three weeks. But there are other ways to keep our attention other than having sex. Maybe he’s not always sticking it in. There are other things.
J: It’s what I call priming the pump. If we’re both super busy, getting naked and going through all the things — we just don’t have time for it. And at the end of the day, we’re so exhausted. So I’ll embrace her, rub her shoulders. I’ll tease her and get her moving in a direction, but not satisfy that. Because it’s about building up, over a day or two or three, [anticipation.]
A: It’s not in a mean or tortuous way.
A: It’s more like a loving response.
J: And when we deliver, then it’s like, ka-boom.
You’re sustaining a level of desire all the time.
J: Right. And I don’t have an overriding need to ejaculate. So, you know, for me — once a month, once every other month — I’m fine with that. We had to have some conversations about that because for her, if I wasn’t finishing, she felt like she wasn’t doing her job, or that I didn’t like her. But it was more about my health and vitality. It’s really for her benefit.
A: I think when no one partner has to come even when you’re having sex, that just takes off a whole bunch of pressure. There have been times where we’re like, “Oh! We have to have sex! This is the only time!” But if we’re forcing it, it’s not going to happen.
J: It’s just not great for either of us. When we were conceiving our daughter, we had a few moments like that, and that was just not how we wanted to have a child.
A: Right! But like, at certain moments in the day it was like “Get on top!” You can’t have great sex like that. I would personally rather have dry spells than trying to make it happen all the time.
So today, what’s your favorite part of your sex life?
J: For me, it’s just about how unreserved, how open, and how in the moment she is. She allows me to serve her in a way that we both get to win. There’s no other way to describe it: she’s open and available and she’s just receiving. It’s incredible to be in that space with her. It’s a part of her, literally, no one else has ever seen before.
A: I think for me, after so many years together, there are a bunch of things that you’re comfortable doing and comfortable with trying, but there’s always, to this day, still some things that are taboo or weird. Its not like you can do all 101 sex positions in five years and then all of the sudden its boring. There’s always something fun or new or exciting to mix it up.
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