What is 'breadcrumbing' in a relationship? And how to handle it
As a society, we've become very creative with the terms we use to describe various relationship dynamics – ghosting, gaslighting, love bombing, situationships. But, have you heard of breadcrumbing?
Breadcrumbing is an act of giving someone just enough attention to keep them interested without exerting much effort or committing. Simply, it's an act of leading someone on or stringing them along (usually with the use of technology).
Practically, this can look like someone sending you sporadic flirty texts, social media interactions, or hints at meeting up (without them being specific or following through). When we are about to call it quits or when our interest wanes, this is usually when they offer more "crumbs." The crumbs are well-timed to sustain our interest – to lure us in – even though the person has no intention of engaging with us in any other capacity.
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No one would waste their time breadcrumbing if they were not interested, right? Wrong.
Although this term is associated with the world of online dating, the principles behind breadcrumbing have always existed. Have you ever been in a relationship where the person does just enough to keep you in their life but never actually gives you what you need or want? Or have you noticed how right when you decide to end things they show up with flowers or book a weekend trip? This is the same thing, but modern-day breadcrumbing happens before the relationship has even started.
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Here are some common reasons why someone may choose to leave breadcrumbs:
They are seeking attention or validation.
They are already in a relationship but want to have a backup plan.
They like you, but they don't want to commit.
They are not ready to let you go.
They are feeling lonely.
They are insecure (and don't want to risk rejection by "showing up").
They don't know what they want.
The person is often less concerned about genuinely exploring the relationship if there is a connection or if they are interested and more concerned about making sure you are. For some, this process is conscious and for others, it is not.
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How to handle breadcrumbing
Set a specific time. Some people are shy or poor communicators. Offering them the benefit of the doubt and setting specific plans can help you determine if what is happening is truly breadcrumbing or bad planning.
Have an honest conversation with them. It may be uncomfortable to have a candid conversation, but sometimes calling them out can help you clarify the situation. Explaining what you've noticed can bring to their attention what they are doing (in case they were unaware), but it can also signal a need for them to change their behavior if they want to continue having any sort of relationship with you.
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Talk about goals. If there are a lot of "plans" or "promises" and very little or no follow-through, it is worth asking them what their goal is with continuing to communicate. Many may be scared to come off too "high maintenance" for asking this question, but this question is not a demand or an ultimatum – it's a clarification.
Stand up for how you want to be treated. If your ideal process of getting to know people does not entail putting your life on hold for someone who doesn’t seem to be reciprocating the same level of commitment or enthusiasm, it may be time to move on. It's important to have a realistic expectation, and not accepting any less is imperative.
Work on your self-esteem. If we believe that we are not worthy of anyone’s time or commitment, we are likely to believe we deserve the crumbs.
I am here to remind you that you don’t deserve anything less than a whole damn cake!
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Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Relationship advice: What is breadcrumbing? How cope while dating.
