Boy, I Hope the 'Oregon Trail' Movie Musical Has a Song About Dysentery
Mrs. Flaus! How I miss you. 3rd grade computer lab, hooting and hollering when you tried to teach us how to type—sorry, I still do that tippy-tap typing thing with my index fingers—and playing one game when you weren't looking: Oregon Trail.
Oregon Trail, for you Zoomers and Boomers, is a long-running survival video game, which was technically created in 1971, but didn't really hit the zeitgeist until PCs became widespread in the '90s. In Oregon Trail, you reenact the great American, wagon-wheeled move to the west, facing all sorts of horrible challenges along the way. Dysentery! Measles! Starvation! Of course, grisly death wasn't the best part of Oregon Trail. Really, the fun was in naming each traveler in your caravan yourself, so that it would read, "Bill Clinton died of cholera," and you could giggle it up with your preteen cohorts about the president shitting his brains out.
Anyway! This is all to say: Oregon Trail will become a movie musical, and I am ready for the dysentery anthem.
According to Collider, the directors of that fucked-up Shawn Mendes crocodile movie, Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile, have acquired the game's film rights, and are now in development on an Oregon Trail movie musical."It always had this dark band of humor running through it," the directors told the outlet, because your chances of dying from everything from dysentery to a cut to anything was... Basically, every move you ended up dying." Apparently, the duo is weighing whether or not the film should be rated PG-13 or R. You know, I'm absolutely ready for a meme-ified, R-rated Oregon Trail, where Lea Michele plays Esther Goodfellow, who belts "My Broken Arm! (Hot Day)" just before she falls off the wagon and dies from blunt force trauma.
One last note. My co-worker, Cameron Sherrill? You have cholera now. Hope you brought some poopy wipes on the ol' Oregon Trail.
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