'I ended up suicidal after a relationship with a narcissist'
Dene Josham, 52, from Lincolnshire, had been a bodyguard for 15 years to stars such as Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Russell Crowe, but he found himself feeling suicidal after a disturbing relationship with a woman he later realised was probably a narcissist.
I was first introduced to *Kate at a mutual friend’s house and we hit it off straight away. She was small and pretty and when she told me she'd been mistreated in her previous relationship by an argumentative and uncaring ex, it immediately brought out my protective side.
Things moved pretty fast after that. She was very full-on with messages and contacted me every day with questions about where I was, who I was with and what I was doing. She would tell me daily how much she missed me. I know this now to be ‘love-bombing’ but I didn’t really question it at the time.
Pretty soon, however, the constant messages and questioning became a bit much. I started to feel overwhelmed by it all. I was working as a bodyguard at the time for an A list celebrity and one morning, after I had been up working till the early hours, Kate accused me of having an affair with my client or her children’s nannies because she could see that I had been online at 2am that morning. I told her it was because I was working and communicating with my colleagues via WhatsApp.
Obsession
It’s as though she went from loving me too much to resenting me. I had never given her any reason to doubt me or mistrust me so I didn’t know what I was doing wrong but she seemed to become increasingly suspicious and erratic.
One time I was in an important meeting, which I’d told her about before but she kept messaging and calling me so I thought perhaps it was an emergency and ended up ducking out of the meeting to speak with. I was then on the phone for 20 minutes trying to console her while she questioned me. In the end, I had to suggest putting her on speakerphone so that she could hear the other people in the room and know that it was real.
It’s as though she went from loving me too much to resenting me. I had never given her any reason to doubt me or mistrust me so I didn’t know what I was doing wrong.
I felt like I was always trying to please her and do things to make her happy but often I wouldn’t get any thanks or acknowledgement and then occasionally she would be very loving. These little glimmers of hope kept me holding on but also feeling confused and wondering what I was doing wrong. It was like walking on eggshells all the time.
Mood swings
I never knew what I was going to get – it was like rolling the dice - would I get told off and belittled or would I be showered with affection?
She was constantly twisting things around and would suggest that I was arrogant or 'playing the hero'. For example, I have a son from a previous relationship, and when I told her that I’d given my ex, his mother, a key to the garage so she could drop his bag in there on a Friday, she immediately questioned why I would need to give a key to my ex. I tried to explain that we shared a child together and that this made things easier but she wouldn’t listen and told me it was 'weird'.
I never knew what I was going to get – it was like rolling the dice –would I get told off and belittled or would I be showered with affection?
No answer that I gave was ever good enough. She seemed to have her own logic and reasoning that was so far removed from reality.
In the end, I gave her the code to my phone and said, "Here you go, look around, check it any time you want." Her response was "I shouldn’t have to do that" and she once again turned it back on me as if I was trying to hide something.
Reaching crisis point
A year or so into the relationship, I started feeling very low and began questioning my own sanity and sense of what was right or wrong. Even when things were going well or we’d had a nice evening out somewhere, I was constantly bracing myself for the next onslaught.
I ended up going to the doctor and breaking down. I told him I felt suicidal and didn’t know how I could carry on with the way things were. He called NHS Crisis Management who put me on a support programme and gave me the strength and encouragement to recognise what was going on.
I didn’t think someone with a background like mine could fall victim to a relationship like that. I’m 6ft 3 and about as tough physically as they come.
I also confided in a friend who told me what a narcissist was and said that Kate sounded very much like one. It was like a lightbulb going off. I looked it up on Google and so many of the traits – from the manipulation to the lack of empathy and always playing the victim – made sense. I began to realise what had happened.
Even then, I still didn’t leave. It was her that cooled things off. I still don’t even really know what happened but I think she must have met someone else. She just went cold on me and stopped messaging and returning my calls. There was no discussion or explanation. It was like she flicked a switch and just dropped me with no feelings, she simply moved on.
The mental torture I experienced in that relationship was harder and more damaging than anything physical I have ever gone through.
I didn’t think someone with a background like mine could fall victim to a relationship like that. I’m 6ft 3 and about as tough physically as they come. I started out in The Royal Marines and spent 30 years working in security, including 15 years as bodyguard to Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Russell Crowe.
However, the mental torture that I experienced in that relationship was harder and more damaging than anything physical I have ever gone through.
Finding love again
A year or so after Kate and I broke up, I met Julie in 2019 through a colleague. After such a difficult time with Kate, I was very guarded and shut down at first. It took me a long time to learn to trust anyone again but Julie was kind and understanding from the start. We’ve been together for five years and we’re now business partners too. It still feels amazing to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t accuse me of things I haven’t done.
It took me a long time to learn to trust anyone again but Julie was kind and understanding from the start.
When I told Julie I wanted to retire from bodyguarding, we decided to set up our business, Streetwise Defence. Over the last few years, it's been going from strength to strength.
We’ve trained and delivered self-defence workshops to around 6,000 people and our mission, to empower people to keep themselves safe and avoid the trauma of attack or abuse, stems partly from what I learned during my relationship with Kate.
My advice to anyone who is struggling in their relationship to speak to a friend or a professional – there is always help out there.
*Name has been changed to protect identity.
