Amazon and Google are locked in a constant battle to see which of them will be the first to doom mankind to one of those cyberpunk dystopias where people all wear gray bodysuits and get executed for falling in love, and while Google is no slouch when it comes to secretly tracking everything you do online and off, Amazon might take the edge simply because of how much it tries to convince you it’s doing you a favor when it uses you as a battery to power some great and evil machine. “Just give us a little bit of blood and you can get anything you want with free shipping! Hear the wretched screech of our delivery vans as they bring you life-saving Amazon Basics-branded medication! Lock yourself up in an AmaZen pod and scream until your throat fills with blood, just remember to work extra hard to make up for your time off!”
Anyway, it’s almost time for Amazon Prime Day, the annual event where we all get to decide if we value our souls more than we value a hot deal, and this year Amazon is offering a nice distraction from the pain of the Sentinels jacking one of those Matrix spikes into your brain in the form of a “three-part immersive musical event” called the Prime Day Show that will be available to everyone with or without an active Prime account (converted and heretics alike). This comes from a press release, which says those three parts will be led by Billie Eilish, H.E.R., and Kid Cudi, all of whom will be presenting “unique experiences that fuse performance and storytelling.” Eilish’s unique experience will involve bringing “a timeless, Parisian neighborhood to life with a series of cinematic performances,” H.E.R.’s will be about Los Angeles’ Dunbar Hotel and how it might look if it still existed in 2021, and Kid Cudi’s will be about going to space for an “intercosmic performance” that features “the world’s first orchestra composed of space scientists.”
The Prime Day Show performances will be available starting on June 17, as will a number of spicy hot deals on things throughout the Amazon marketplace that undercut local businesses and even other big corporate chains like Target. Maybe if you spend a lot of money on Prime Day it will help guarantee you a favorable position in the hierarchy of Amazon’s human battery banks, or maybe it’ll just ensure that the human battery banks get built faster, but we’re all probably screwed either way.