At its core, parenting is a series of ridiculous moments one after another, from the time the baby’s poop was Grinch green to the time the toddler thought mulch was a snack to the time the teenager said he needed a new computer to become a professional esports champion.
Twitter’s brief, social nature has made it the go-to place for busy parents to share these moments, the place where they can commiserate and laugh at each other as kids come up with crazier and crazier nonsense. At their best, honest tweets about the challenges and triumphs of parenting can make parents feel less alone in their Herculean task. But even if they aren’t quite that profound, it’s still nice to get a kick out of the nonsense other parents tweet.
With that in mind, we present our favorite parenting tweets of the year. They’re honest, funny, and just the thing to get you through another hectic holiday season.
Would Follow This Kid
my son just called a coffin a “skeleton burrito” and somehow I’m the one on twitter
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) February 7, 2019
Maybe We’ll Get Frozen: Tokyo (Snow) Drift
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) June 12, 2019
Color Me Impressed
It's weird how we tell kids not to lie then tell them how good the picture they drew is.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 26, 2019
Et Tu, Netflix?
3-year-old: *holds the remote for 2.5 seconds*
Me: *spends hours trying to get Netflix to not be in French*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 17, 2019
The Truth Comes Out
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) July 31, 2019
Just Most Things
Me to my kids: “Not everything’s a competition”
Also me to my kids:
– First one to finish dinner wins!
– First one upstairs wins!
– First one in the car wins!
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) August 1, 2019
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife's scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he's young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don't want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 7, 2019
Santa Must Always Use the Turn Signals on His Sleigh
3yo: dad I saw Santa!
Me: that’s great!
3yo: I didn’t say fuck you to him!
Me: that’s…good but you really shouldn’t say that to anyone.
3yo: except bad drivers?
Me: that’s right except bad drivers.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) December 7, 2019
At Least She Didn’t Break a Bone
Me: Good morning.
4-year-old: I DIDN'T BREAK ANYTHING.
Me: *searches the house for the thing she broke*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 11, 2019
More Like Cockapoo-blocked
"Skye is a Labradoodle."
"No, she's a Cockapoo."
-My wife and I arguing about "Paw Patrol," proving that children do indeed kill the romance.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) December 19, 2019
- Propaganda for Parents: Noam Chomsky and the Art of Manipulating Toddlers
- The Science of Santa Claus: Answers For Inquisitive Kids
- Twitter Celebrates #WhyImGladChristmasIsOver and Everybody Can Relate
- People Are Freaking Out Over this Bean Bag Onesie