My best friend ghosted me after 30 years

It was the morning of my mum’s funeral in 2018 and standing outside the crematorium, surrounded by my family, friends and friends of my parents, I felt overwhelmed by the love and support around me. But there was one person missing: my childhood friend Sarah*. I had half-expected her to send me a text, offering her condolences after Mum had died. I had even imagined her quietly slipping in at the back during the service and hugging me afterwards. Neither of these things happened, though – because Sarah stopped speaking to me 10 years ago.

We were 13 when we met. Sarah had moved to Hampshire from Scotland and joined our school. We became friends straight away – she was lively and so much fun.

We became inseparable. Sarah was the one I did many ‘firsts’ with. When we were supposed to be revising for our O levels, we’d meet in the woods halfway between our houses and smoke purloined cigarettes, while chatting about boys. When-ever my parents went away, Sarah used to stay and we’d make our way through my mum’s stash of wine.

As the years went by we were always there for each other – buying houses, getting married, having babies. We were each other’s bridesmaids and surrogate aunties for one another’s children. We had always spent New Year’s Eve together, and 2000 was no exception. We rented a cottage in the Cotswolds and as we saw in the new millennium, we raised our glasses and said, ‘Friends for life.’ It sounds corny now, but I really did believe it.

The following year, Sarah and her family moved to Dubai. Her husband, Peter*, had been made redundant and, as a teacher, she could earn more money over there. The plan was that she would work and he would look after the children. They were there a little more than six months when I got a call to say she was coming home, alone, and could she stay with me?

Over a few glasses of wine, she revealed that she and Peter were separating. I was stunned. I had no idea they were having problems. A couple of weeks later I discovered the reason why. Sarah had been in contact with her old boyfriend, Simon*. He was now working in London and they had met up when she had been staying with me for a visit.

A few months later they moved in together. Peter was out of the picture and Sarah wanted a father figure for her kids. I did worry that it was all a little quick, but didn’t say anything – I understood why she needed the support. But I think it was too much too soon for Simon. He had never been married before, let alone had children, and on more than one occasion, he left them, scuttling back to his bachelor pad.

Sarah was in pieces each time it happened, and I was always there for her, rushing over with a bottle of wine and a sympathetic shoulder. But she always took him back.

Finally, I couldn’t keep my counsel any longer. I was concerned about her, but more so for her children. ‘What sort of an example are you setting them?’ I asked her. ‘You keep taking him back after he’s hurt you so badly, and they are witnessing it all.’

Sarah didn’t like me disagreeing with her. She’d always been the stronger one in our friendship, the one who did everything first and made decisions. I followed in her wake – up until that moment.

Our separation was a gradual process. First, she stopped texting me, and was very slow to reply to my messages. Then after a couple of months, simply nothing. I even wondered whether she’d moved.

She wasn’t on social media because she was a teacher, so I couldn’t track her down. I recently heard from a friend of hers that she is still living locally, and I wonder what I would say to her if our paths crossed. But after countless attempts to contact her, I gave up. It was too painful.

My mum’s illness and then death really brought it home to me just how much I still miss Sarah. In many ways it’s like I’m grieving her, too; but I guess I have no choice but to move on and accept she wasn’t the friend I thought she was.

*Names and some details have been changed.

Have you lost a life-long friendship? How did you cope with the change? Tell us in the comments section below

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