‘My best friend is 41 years older than me’

Fourteen years ago, when Elizabeth Seal re-enacted a Broadway dance routine at a party, flinging one of her legs 180 degrees up against her body, Victoria Kearns says she knew she’d found a friend for life.

The fact that it was retired dancer Elizabeth’s 70th birthday and Victoria was just 29 at the time hasn’t prevented their friendship from flourishing. ‘She has such a sense of fun. She also has a young mind and will ask my advice about something as much as I’ll ask hers,’ says Victoria of her now-84-year-old buddy.

The pair had met two years previously through Elizabeth’s late husband, a colleague of Victoria’s former partner.  The two couples began to spend weekends together at Elizabeth’s Sussex home and  the friendship between the two women continued to thrive, long after Victoria’s relationship had ended.

Cross-generational friendship may have been unusual back then, but according to a survey by friendly society Oddfellows, published last year, nowadays almost all over-55s and under-25s say that they have found spending time with a member of another generation rewarding. And I’m certainly one of them. 

I first met my 83-year-old friend Michael at a neighbour’s drinks party two years ago, after my husband and I moved to a new area of south London. While I hovered nervously on the periphery, Michael seemed entirely at ease in a room full of strangers.

He told me about his time as an ambassador, stationed at exotic locations around the world. I learnt he spoke four languages, was an opera buff and missed his wife terribly – she had died the previous year.

When I later introduced Michael to my husband, he was just as charmed by our urbane new neighbour. We invited him round for Sunday lunch and put the world to rights over several bottles of red wine. Politics, history, love and loss – no subject was off limits.

We were particularly thrilled to hear Michael’s account of his cold war-era diplomatic intrigues. That’s right: Michael’s formative years were played out under the spectre of nuclear annihilation; mine were spent on Facebook. Germaine Greer was on to something when she said, ‘Nobody ages like anybody else.’

Michael may be some 50 years my senior, but he’s more open-minded and globally-engaged than many of my 30-something peers. Since that Sunday, he’s become a regular fixture at ours and he has reciprocated by taking us to his favourite haunt for steak pies and malbec.

People often tell us how ‘good’ we are, reaching out to an old widower, but our friendship with Michael is no act of charity. Nor is he desperate for our companionship. He still works – translating documents for publishers and PhD students – and frequently visits family both locally and abroad.

He recently started seeing a lady, an equally spirited octogenarian, who, like Michael, is perfectly content living alone. They enjoy weekends by the sea, classical concerts and European city breaks. In fact, it’s hard to pin our friend down these days.

What I admire most about Michael is his refusal to adhere to stereotype. The antithesis of the ‘grumpy old man’ trope,  he has an infectious passion for life and time spent in his company is a tonic. 

I guess you could say Michael is everything I hope to be when I ‘grow up’ – kind, outspoken and always questioning the status quo.  For his part, he says it’s refreshing to talk  to someone of a younger generation who shares his world view.

‘Befriending someone older or younger than you can broaden your perspective,’ says psychotherapist Hilda Burke. ‘When we limit our friendships to people of our own age group, we can easily become competitive, comparing where they are with what we’ve achieved.

Having older friends can help us see that people can fulfil their goals at different points – it doesn’t have to be as linear as we imagine. And for older people, younger friends can invigorate them and give them an insight into the reality of growing up today.’

Often it can be the more senior friend who energises the relationship. Recalling what first drew her to her friend Elizabeth, Victoria says, ‘Elizabeth was just 16 when she told her parents she was joining a travelling company before landing a role on Broadway – she was the original Irma la Douce [played by Shirley MacLaine in the film of the same name].

'I was so impressed at how determined she had been. Those were the days when women were expected to raise a family, not have careers. We  got on like a house on fire.’ She adds, ‘It’s Elizabeth’s positivity that makes her friendship invaluable. She has had challenges in her life but doesn’t dwell on them.’

Meanwhile, Victoria’s tolerant outlook appeals to Elizabeth. ‘Some young ones think older people are boring, but I can run down the road with the best of them,’ she laughs. ‘Victoria is very accepting and doesn’t have any preconceived ideas about age.’

Thanks to social media, it’s easier to meet like-minded people, as well as those with similar interests – from book clubs and dance classes to professional organisations and antenatal groups.

‘There’s a greater range of experience now across different age brackets,’ points out Burke. ‘An expectant mum of 40, for example, might share an antenatal class with a woman of 25. Her friends may already have kids of school age, so she’s likely to bond with the younger woman, who is going through a significant milestone at the same time. For previous generations, there was more conformity in terms of people getting married, having  kids and retiring at a similar age.’

Age Gap Friendship

Demographic changes in the workplace are also having an impact on our relationships. For the first time, four generations are working side by side, resulting in friendships that cut across the decades – from 71-year-old Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer, 36, who became close while filming the comedy Snatched (where Hawn plays Schumer’s mother), to Jennifer Lawrence, 27, and Bradley Cooper, 42, who collaborated on several films and have become drinking and FaceTime buddies.  This was also the case for firm friends Susie Nelson, 56, and Sarah Byrne, 33.

They met through their careers and bonded over a mutual love of fashion. Susie, who owns vintage shop Modes & More in London, was approached a year ago by Sarah, a freelance stylist, who was setting up a vintage clothing website. Before long, the younger woman had enlisted Susie as her confidant, seeking advice on, as Sarah puts it, ‘all things, be it health, wealth or people’.

‘In a way, Sarah’s like a younger me,’ explains Susie. ‘We’re both a little impatient and have firm ideas about what we want. It’s also nice to have someone in your life who appreciates the same things you do.’

Susie has never been shy of crossing the age barriers when it comes to friendships. ‘London is a melting pot of nationalities and age groups. I had a lovely neighbour when  I lived in Oxfordshire, who was one of the Bletchley Park girls. She was 104, a great dresser and so much fun.’

Sarah agrees, ‘I’m not one for conforming. There’s no common thread to my friendships other than I get a good sense from a person.’

As to whether the older friend finds themselves in a parental or nurturing role, all pairs I spoke to say this has never been the case. ‘I don’t feel maternal towards my younger friends,’ says Elizabeth. ‘I don’t want that role – I have my own children and grandchildren.’

She points out that she has an active social life – when not visiting her daughter in Paris and sons in New York and LA, she makes the most of London’s cultural scene with groups of all ages. Rather, what appeals to her about Victoria is that they share interests and a similar mindset, which cuts across their generational divide – and is in some ways improved by it.

‘Having worked in theatre and been married to a photographer, I’ve dealt with  a lot of creative types and am friends with so many of them,’ she says. ‘Age doesn’t matter when you meet someone who’s interested in the same things you are.’