I’ve never thought of myself as an ugly girl, or a mean one, or one who is devoid of humor. But, I have always felt unlovable.
For a long time, I’ve felt like an obligation — like someone people tolerate but don’t choose and I’ve never understood why.
I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me. And, to be honest, I still do because there has to be something wrong when every guy I talk to leaves once they get to know me.
And hell, I couldn’t even make my own mother stay.
I often joke that I’m an unparalleled expert at ruining relationships before they even begin. It’s absolutely miserable. When it comes to guys, I make a great first impression. They are always hooked upon first meeting me. But, once my mystery wears off and they start to know me as a person, they inevitably leave.
I destroy friendships because I don’t feel worthy of my friends.
It’s been said we accept the kind of love we think we deserve. This idea totally made sense to me when I took a step back. I’ve spent my life running from real feelings, running from people who could leave, settling for people who don’t care about me. It took me so long to realize that, while I’m flawed in so many ways, this is anxiety at its finest.
You see, my anxiety tells me I’m nothing. I’m broken and no one could possibly love me because that’s how our brains are trained when we live with this illness. So, we start to believe it.
It’s terrible and truly heartbreaking that I view myself as unworthy of love. More so that, as a result of this feeling, I push people away which leaves me alone and only proves my point further. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m so tired of letting anxiety make me feel like nothing. I want to be loved. I want relationships that are secure and balanced. I just don’t know how.
My mind works in a way that doesn’t allow me to get close to the people who deserve it because they might deserve better. But what about me? Do I not deserve better?
I have this belief no one will make sense of my senselessness, but I understand it’s anxiety and that’s the first step. Anxiety lies to you and invalidates you. It strips you of who you are.
I’m done letting anxiety isolate me from people I care about. I’m tired of settling.
If you feel unlovable, know that you aren’t. Someday, someone will come into your life and they will never leave. We are all worth so much more than our anxiety lets us believe. I have to believe that.