Airbnb Reviews We Wish Existed

·Contributing Editor

Chances are, you’ve read a bad Airbnb review or two at some point. You know how they go: “So-and-so is the worst guest because he is messy,” “I would not suggest staying in this house because the host is uncommunicative,” etc. At a certain point, all of that negativity gets exhausting! So, wouldn’t it be hilarious if you read these overly optimistic reviews on Airbnb instead? They deliver the same red-flag info, but … you’ll see. 

1. “Sarah is very skilled at leaving the house messier than it was when she arrived. Not only does she excel at leaving her long, scraggly hair in the drain, she’s also a pro at ignoring huge dust bunnies and not sweeping the floor during her stay. But what makes Sarah truly shine is her uncanny ability to balance an exorbitant amount of greasy pizza boxes on top of each other — without any of them falling over. She’ll even leave them on display for you so you can admire her artwork when you get home! 

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Sarah’s expert slob skills are on point. (Photo: Corbis)

“And as if all this weren’t enough, Sarah is also very generous. She’ll likely leave you a bunch of half-eaten Seamless containers in your fridge — complete with used chopsticks in case you don’t have your own — so you won’t go hungry when you get back. I’d definitely recommend Sarah to any host who enjoys coming home to a place of filth!”

Related: WATCH: How to Create the Perfect Airbnb Listing — Katie Couric Has the Exclusive

2. “Zach is an incredibly gifted con artist. His words are so convincing that they will lead you to book a room in what appears to be a cute and cozy bungalow (judging from the photo), complete with a fireplace that’s just a stone’s throw from the beach. Never mind the fact that the “beach” is actually a sand-filled sewage dump in the backyard, the fireplace is filled with old junk, and the cottage’s wall-to-wall shag carpet that’s soaked with stale cat pee is what makes it “cozy.” A true child of the Clinton era, Zach has mastered the art of the loose definition, leaving the exact interpretation of his words in the hands of each individual guest. He effortlessly toes the line between fact and fiction, and I highly recommend him to any guest looking to get played.”

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It’s cute! It’s cozy! It’s…actually not cute and cozy at all. (Photo: RG&B Images/Stocksy) 

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3. “If you want to spring-clean your apartment but don’t feel like dealing with the decluttering, Angie is the perfect guest, because she will do the work for you. She is excellent at making things magically disappear, like your expensive jewelry and your vintage Jimmy Choos. And she’s so modest about her decluttering skills, too — she doesn’t even tout them on her profile! She just works her magic and leaves you to discover her handiwork as you go, no praise required. 

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“Hmmm…how I can help declutter this closet?” (Photo: Corbis)

“But the best part? If you discover that she decluttered something you want to keep, she won’t answer any of your follow-up emails or texts when you ask for it back. She will go completely MIA and unfriend you on all social media, leaving you no choice but to accept your more modest lifestyle. Does she have your back or what?“

4. “Tim is an exceptionally determined musician, which makes him a very interesting guest. At 35 years old, he is so devoted to his still-fledgling music career as a rock drummer that he sets up his drum set wherever he goes — including your home!

“What’s more, he proceeds to practice at all hours of the night, which really makes your apartment building seem loud and lively. In fact, he’s so focused on practice making perfect that he doesn’t let the neighbors’ noise complaints stand in his way. He keeps playing anyway, even if it’s 4 a.m.! And when the neighbors get so angry that they knock on the door to ask him to turn it down in person, he takes it upon himself to invite them in to smoke a joint. And they didn’t even have to ask!

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He will, he will rock you your apartment! (Photo: Branislav Jovanović/Stocksy)

“Finally, it would be futile to review Tim without mentioning the fact that he is arguably one of the most gracious people I know — so much so that he lets his entire five-person band come over to practice on occasion. If there is one guest you can learn from, it’s Tim, who exudes passion and devotion to a dream. I highly recommend him to anyone who wants to support a truly self-absorbed artist, not to mention help spread the word about his wonderful tunes to all of your neighbors — including your landlord.”

Related: 11 Cuban Airbnb’s You’ll Want to Stay In

5. “Let it be known: Peter is a tech wizard. All of the gadgets in his house are so high-tech, you may not even be able to figure out how to use them! And he believes in the intelligence of mankind so much that he doesn’t leave you instructions on how to work his gear, lest he insult your intellect. What a considerate dude.  

“Peter is also very protective: He’s all about making sure you are as safe as possible when you stay in his suburban home, because you never know when the dangerous teenagers next door will start leaving beer cans and toilet paper all over the lawn. When you get to his home, for instance, you will see that he has devised a very complicated system in which you have to open six different locks — yes, six! — just to get inside. It may take you half an hour to figure them out — at which point the ice cream you brought with you may melt — but the fact that you will be able to rest easy knowing how safe you are will surely make up for the fact that your chocolate ice cream has turned into chocolate milk.

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Safety first! (Photo: Corbis)

“And his TV system! Boy, is it top-notch. He has eight different machines, all of which have different remote controls, and there are even speakers in the bathroom. Those speakers will be especially useful when you need to use the toilet but can’t find the pause button on any of the remotes — and don’t want to miss one second of Mad Men

“In the end, it’s hard not to love Peter’s high-tech home. The one annoying part? Once you have successfully figured out how to work all of his turbo gear, it will probably be time to leave. Don’t forget to lock all six locks on your way out!” 

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