This one might even be considered normal after what we have seen.(GIF: Giphy.com)
Attention, passengers: This is Confessions of a Fed-Up Flight Attendant, a Yahoo Travel series in which “Betty” describes the harrowing, real-life situations she and her comrades in the sky face every day, 35,000 feet away from a foot massage and premium whiskey. You think you’ve got it bad when your in-flight entertainment conks out, the Pixy Stix-addicted kid behind you mistakes the back of your chair for a vertical trampoline, and the plane runs out of “Good Morning Sunshine” cheese boxes? That’s child’s play.
As a flight attendant who serves hundreds of people a day, I can honestly tell you that most of my passengers are nice, normal, wonderful people.
The strange ones are few and far between — but they’re the ones I will never forget.
Things We Just Can’t Do for You
Sorry, helping you wipe is above our pay grade (Photo: Getty Images)
One flight I was on had a particularly robust passenger. So robust, in fact, that he purchased three seats.
He was nice enough and the flight went along smoothly, until he got up to use the restroom. Airplane bathrooms are small for average-sized people. If you are a person who needs three seats, that airplane bathroom will not be OK for you. He managed to get in and shut the door. Five minutes later, the flight attendant call bell from inside the bathroom rang.
A petite flight attendant responded to the call bell and asked if the passenger was OK. He opened the door a bit and said he needed help wiping because he couldn’t reach.
This attendant frantically waved her hand in front of her mouth and said, “Oh, no, sir: We only do food and beverage … only food and beverage!”
Keep yourself covered up. Please. (Photo: Getty Images)
The Mouse Is Out of the House
On flights to Las Vegas, passengers get incredibly excited for the debauchery that lies ahead. This usually makes them drink too much. This one drunk guy went to the back of the airplane to use the restroom. In his drunken state, he didn’t lock the door. While he was in the restroom, he passed out, fell backward, and ended up lying flat on the galley floor. The flight attendants heard a thud and rushed to see what happened.
Because of what he was attempting to do in the bathroom, his fly was still down and his privates were exposed. The two flight attendants stood over him, discussing what to to.
“Let him sleep it off,” one said.
“We can’t leave him exposed,” said another.
“I’m not going to touch it!” said a third.
This went on for some time. They really needed to get back to the beverage service.
They finally decided to get the long metal tongs that we use to serve bread in first class to move the exposed body part back into his pants! He didn’t feel a thing.
Your cleavage is not a pet carrier, FYI. (Photo: Getty Images)
An Unreasonable Solution
One day as I was walking down the aisle checking passengers, I noticed a very large woman traveling with her pet Chihuahua. The dog was out of the carrier and sitting on her lap. Rules are rules, so I told her that animals have to stay in their carriers.
Without saying a word, she looked at me, then she looked at the dog, and then she picked up the Chihuahua and tucked the tiny dog into her very ample bosom.
The dog fit there very nicely and seemed comfortable. So I looked at her and looked at the dog and said, “Well, I guess technically … that would qualify as a carrier.”
WATCH: This Hilarious Flight Attendant Cracks Up Passengers With Her Safety Speech