91 Funny Father’s Day Quotes That Sum Him Up Better Than a Dad Joke

Love ’em or groan at ’em, dad jokes are a part of life. Celebrate your special men with these hilario­us (and true) Father’s Day quotes that show that even Ryan Reynolds, Stephen Colbert and Matt Damon are all trying to figure it out too. Jot one down in a card, team it with an Apple watch/couch coaster/eye mask and send it to dad, grandpa or your husband. You can also save one of these funnies for June 18, and post on your Insta or Facebook instead. (Just make sure dad knows how to work those.)

The 88 Best Gifts for Dads That He'll Actually Use (& Won't Abandon in the Garage)

1. “Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.” — Ray Romano

2. “Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.” — Chris Martin

3. “The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.” — Tim Russert

4. “Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.” — Jim Gaffigan

5. “I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable, I’d be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and like a cage across his face mask.” — Will Arnett

6. “By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” — Charles Wadsworth

7. “Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours.” — Conan O’Brien

8. “You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” — Jerry Seinfeld

9. “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” — Mark Twain

10. “There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’” — Jim Gaffigan

11. “A father carries pictures where his money used to be.” — Steve Martin

12. “Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.” — Lin Manuel Miranda

13. “Getting a burp out of your little thing when she needs it is probably the greatest satisfaction I've come across at this point in my life. It is truly one of life’s most satisfying moments.” — Brad Pitt

David Roark/Disney via Getty Images

14. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart

15. “When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’” — Jerry Lewis

16. “I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At two years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane. It’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’” – Ryan Reynolds

17. “When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” — Dave Attell

18. “Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.’” – Jim Gaffigan

19. “Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.” —Dave Barry

20. “My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.” – Bob Odenkirk

21. “My 4-year-old son gave me a hand made card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas I’ll draw him a picture of some toys.” — Jim Gaffigan

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22. “How come my 3-year-old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my home phone number?” – Taye Diggs

23. “Even though I’m proud my dad invented the rear-view mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.” — Stewart Francis

24. “On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.” — Ryan Reynolds

25. “I feel like the success of parenthood is feeling like I failed all day today, but I get to wake up tomorrow and do it again and hopefully they turn out to be a good human being.”—Justin Timberlake

26. “I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.” — Kevin Hart

27. “The most ridiculous thing I have heard myself say is, ‘Do you want your pop-pop, your banky, or your baba?’ Translation: 'Do you want your pacifier, your blanket or your bottle?’” — Taye Diggs

28. “When you first get them...you’re all excited, and you’re ready to do all these things. Then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet. It’s like a phone [that] won’t take pictures, and you're like ‘Why won’t my phone take pictures?!’ And it won’t make calls, and it doesn’t do a lot. But it looks really cute!”— Ashton Kutcher

29. “Having a 2-year-old is like having a blender without a lid.” — Jerry Seinfeld

30. “It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, he’s got four teeth like they care.” — Seth Meyers

31. “Never underestimate kids’ tenacity. Raising a child is like wrestling a small but relentless opponent.” — Stephen Colbert

32. “The first one, I almost became a doula. I was reading every book. I was ready. This one I haven’t done anything. I’m like, ‘Well, we didn’t break the first one.’” — Ashton Kutcher

33. “You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.” — Neil Patrick Harris

34. “Being a dad isn’t just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.” — Ryan Reynolds

35. Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.” — Conan O’Brien

36. “I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps.” — Jimmy Kimmel

37. “Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.” — Mike Myers

38. “The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something that you’re unqualified to do, and then you become qualified while doing it.” — John Green

39. “You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” — Jim Gaffigan

40. “I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.” — Andy Richter

41. “You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing.” — Robin Williams

42. “For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye…get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need.” — Will Ferrell

43. “Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.” — Ed Asner

44. “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them.” — Mark Ruffalo

45. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” — Greg Kinnear

46. “Everybody takes daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything’s momma. What’s the dad song? ‘Papa Was a Rolling Stone.’” — Chris Rock

47. “Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” — Red Buttons

48. “Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” — Martin Mull

49. “My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me.” — Jimmy Valvano

50. “The worst part about being a parent is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool.” — Rob Delaney

51. “Teenagers should be an affliction. Like, ‘Hey, Will, how you doing?’ ‘Man, I got teenagers. Simplex 2, man, Simplex 2.’ It takes everything you have to raise teenagers.” — Will Smith

52. “A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.” — Gabriel Garcia Marquez

53. “Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.” — Reed Markham

54. “Missing your child’s first walk proves you are a father.” — Stephen Colbert

55. “I have a lot of kids. I say a lot because I don’t know the real number.” — Jim Gaffigan

56. “I used to say ‘I would take a bullet for you, I could never love anything as much as I love you.’ I would say that to my wife, but the second I looked into that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield.” — Ryan Reynolds

57. “Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.” — Jimmy Fallon

58. “Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.” — Al Unser

59. “A good father is one whose only reason for putting down a laughing baby is to pick up a crying one.” — Linda Poindexter

60. “A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.” — Frank A. Clark

61. “I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week.” —Mario Cuomo

62. “A father’s words are like a thermostat that sets the temperature in the house.” — Paul Lewis

63. “I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” — Rita Rudner

64. “Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.” — Rodney Dangerfield

65. “We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, ‘He wants his mother.’” — Erma Bombeck

66. “The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.” — Clarence Darrow

67. “Four-year-old: ‘Tell me a scary story!’ Me: ‘One time, little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.’ Four-year-old: ‘Why?’” — James Breakwell

68. “My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.” — Jeff Foxworthy

69. “I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.” — George W. Bush

70. “My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.” — Spike Milligan

71. “I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.” — Dax Shepard

72. “The only way I can describe [fatherhood]—it sounds stupid, but—at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know how his heart grows like five times? Everything is full; It’s just full all the time.” — Matt Damon

73. “Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.” — Anne Geddes

74. “I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I’m very good at gibberish now.” — Elton John

75. “I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.” — Harry S. Truman

76. “I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know—as far as they are concerned anyway—‘cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool—especially when I dance! They don’t want me to dance.” —Tim McGraw

77. “My sisters and I can still recite Dad’s grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1.” — Connie Schultz

78. “The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting on a bed of folded tissue, was the pair of his undershorts that somebody threw away six months ago (without asking Dad) because they had reached the stage where they were 3 percent undershorts and 97 percent holes. Dad misses those undershorts. They were his Faithful Undershorts Companion.” —Dave Barry

79. “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” ― John Wilmot

80. “I hope I’m at least half the dad that he didn't have to be.” — Brad Paisley

81. “The best fathers have the softest, sweetest hearts. In other words, great dads are real marshmallows.” Richelle E. Goodrich, Slaying Dragons

82. “Everyone can be a father, but it takes a lot to be a dad.” — Wade Boggs

83. “He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.” — Clarence B. Kelland

84. “Dads are most ordinary men turned by love into heroes, adventurers, storytellers, singers of songs.” — Pam Brown

85. “My father taught me to work hard, laugh often and keep my word.” — Michelle Obama

86. “I don’t have to prepare to be wrapped around my daughter’s finger. I have been wrapped around her little finger since the day she plopped out into this world.” — Ryan Reynolds

87. “I watch my daughter wanting to be like other kids and getting upset that she’s not. But I always try and instill in her the idea that she’s perfect as she is.” — Idris Elba

88. “Success, and even life itself, wouldn’t be worth anything if I didn’t have my children by my side. They mean everything to me.” — Jude Law

89. “It’s legitimately the greatest thing ever…It just makes me want to be better.” — Ashton Kutcher

90. “I think [parenthood] brings out the child in all of us. That’s what’s so beautiful. It reminds you of the fascination you had with things, and how you can spend hours just being with someone. It’s amazing.” — Chris Hemsworth

91. “My children’s happiness, their safety, and their well-being, is the most paramount thing in my life. You just want to protect them at all costs.” — John Krasinski

If Mothers Planned Their Own Mother’s Day, I’d Spend Mine By Myself