9 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Came Out
Obviously, the first thing I wish I knew was that I was gay. I truly had no idea until I was around 14 and it would’ve saved my parents a ton of money on dresses if at age 4, I could have just been like, “I’m actually a huge dyke and I know that sexual orientation does not directly correspond to clothing choices ... but can I wear baby cargo shorts and get a baby buzzcut?"
But that is not the way it happened. I truly, truly accepted I was gay at 15 and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. No one really explained how to be gay or how to come out. Queer pop culture at the time was literally just Glee and I came out even before Kurt did. Here are some things I wish Glee, or literally anyone, covered before I came out, so that it all wasn’t some big rainbow mystery to me:
1. There is no “one way” to be queer. Some days I do wish there were an instruction manual, with guides and FAQs on different aspects of queer identity: how to ask if she’s giving off friend vibes or flirting vibes, how to come out to your extended family, or how to make those crazy rainbow layer cakes from Pinterest. But if you’re looking for help on “how to be gay,” just know that that’s not a thing that exists (except if you count Tumblr). There’s no one way to act gay — and for that reason, it’s not something you can learn. It’s just how you already act. It’s important to learn that there is no "bad way" to be gay.
2. There’s no way to “test” if you’re gay. This is true and embarrassing: When I was in seventh grade, I overheard a girl at my school saying she was, “like, 20 percent gay,” and for months, I thought you could take a literal medical exam, and it would tell you how gay you were (like in percentage points). THIS IS HOW LITTLE I KNEW. Don’t be like me. Only you know your sexuality. And that can be reassuring because it is a deeply personal thing, but that can also be frustrating if you’re like me and repress all your emotions deep down until you’re at a Pixar movie, and they can’t be contained anymore, and you cry throughout the entire thing.
3. You don’t have to wear bow ties. I just wish someone would have told me. That’s all.
4. You don’t have to come out if you’re not ready. It can feel like there’s a ton of pressure to come out from the media because coming out is often depicted as “the beginning of your life” in TV and film. The truth is, though, if you’re not in a safe environment to come out, you don’t have to do it. Even if people ask if you’re gay, you don’t have to tell them. They shouldn’t be asking in the first place. It’s not deceitful to keep something to yourself because of your own personal safety. Your sexuality is your own personal information and no one else's.
5. Everyone is going to react differently to you coming out. Some people were truly excited for me, some didn’t care, and this might be a “me” problem but most people I came out to were like, “Yeah … we knew.” People straight-up knew before I even did. Which sucks because like, what? They couldn’t have CCed me into that conversation? I would’ve loved that information. Anyway. People will react differently based on their own experiences, so it’s not super helpful to try and write out a script of how you think the conversation is going to go. Don’t try to anticipate how people will react or psych yourself out about what could possibly go wrong. The best advice I ever got was to just do it and worry about what comes after when it comes.
6. More people are queer than you think. There are a ton of queer people out there, even if they’re not directly in your day-to-day life. I was one of the only queer kids at my school and it was really scary to feel like I was the only one going through these things. Finding people online and going to queer events in my city completely changed how I viewed myself. Even watching queer people on TV or celebrities made me feel so much better about just being queer and existing out in the open. Surrounding yourself with as many queer people as possible can be one of the best things you do.
7. Things about your childhood will start to make sense. So many things became clear to me after I came out. I finally understood that the girl I “wanted to be best friends with” was actually a crush, I figured out why I didn’t care about talking to boys, and I realized that I liked watching fashion shows because I thought the models were attractive and not because “fashion seemed interesting.” It’s crazy the mental hoops my brain went through to convince myself I wasn’t gay. When you come out a lot of that stuff starts to sort itself out.
8. Fifty percent of the lesbian movies on Netflix are bad. I don’t know how this happened but it’s true and it’s very sad. I will not be satisfied with queer media until I can make my movie, the coming-of-age romantic-comedy thriller Lesbian Edward Scissorhands (starring Kristen Stewart).
9. There are people out there who care. For some people, coming out is no problem, and for some people, it’s the most difficult thing in the world. It can be scary and change your life. If your close family and friends don’t take it well, just know that there are people out there that care about you — surround yourself with them in any way you can. Some great resources that I like are: the Trevor Project, the Ali Forney Center, Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, the Human Rights Campaign, and GLAAD.
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