9 Sexy Tips I Learned As A Sex Therapist
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By Eden Strong
In college, I studied to become a sex therapist. Yes, it was a bit strange having a geriatric professor show you techniques for better sexual stimulation and attending study groups that included blowjob demonstrations on a mannequin, but beyond all of that, it was mostly pretty freaking awesome.
The majority of sex therapy lies in facilitating communication between partners and learning about how our bodies function in order to achieve better sexual experiences. I left the program when starting my clinicals because of a complicated marriage situation, but lucky for me, I learned a few tricks I’ll never forget. (And lucky you, I’m sharing them!)
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1. First and foremost, you need to learn to love your body.
Most people are surprised at how often couples come to a sex therapist with concerns that the woman is unable to reach orgasm, only to have the woman then admit to have never even checked out her own anatomy. How can your partner please you if you don’t even know how your own body works? Before you jump into bed with someone, grab a mirror, touch yourself, and do whatever you need to do to get comfortable with your own body. The better you know how YOU work, the better chance you can show your partner how to work it for you … if you know what I mean.
2. Start with sensual touch.
Foreplay is great, but did you know that jumping from kissing right to foreplay means that you are actually missing an entire erotic step in the whole experience? Sensual touch is the act of gently touching your partner’s body and getting oh-so-close to the sexual places without actually touching them. The purpose of sensual touch is to relax the body and heighten the senses by stimulating sexual senses without literally stimulating the body. This can be done with anything from your hands to your tongue—the key is to make it gentle and somewhat teasing. By the time you’re ready to move into the foreplay stage, your partner’s entire body will be lit up and yearning for more, making the actual sex that much more satisfying. This is also a great warm-up for couples who have sexual anxiety or for anyone recovering from a sexual trauma because it allows for a slow and gentle escalation of the sexual experience.
3. Learn how to use your mouth.
Many people don’t realize that they’re giving blow jobs wrong. Sure, the general concept is to suck a d*ck, but it’s so much more than that. Don’t forget about the balls and frenulum (the area where the shaft of his penis connects to the head). Those areas are exploding with nerve endings just waiting for some extra attention.
The key is to start with a rhythmic motion using the power of gentle suction, but then shake it up a bit by alternating between sucking, teasing with your tongue, licking, and the changing speed and intensity in which you handle him. Watch his reaction to the things you do, and it won’t take long to figure out what his body likes! Remember to limit the contact that your teeth have on his penis (most guys will veto any and all teeth involvement).
But most importantly: have fun with it! If you want, give him a little show by pleasuring yourself while you pleasure him. He’ll have a better time when he knows that you’re enjoying it, too.
4. Give him some pointers when he goes down on you.
Unfortunately, most guys are not as well-versed in how to actually go down on a woman as they would like to think they are. Don’t be afraid to help him (and you) by guiding him through it the first few times. Ideally, the pressure and speed he uses should increase as you become more aroused. Don’t feel ashamed if you need to add a little vibrator action for your clitoris in there as well—it’s perfectly normal! Be open to working with your partner by helping him perfect his technique and in the end, it’s going to pay off for you.
5. Don’t forget about your non-genital, most sexual spots.
Even your favorite areas can become a little desensitized during extended play time, so take the opportunity to explore the other sensual spots on your partner’s body: the nape of the neck, back of the neck, ears, and lower back. Sex is always better when it’s an entire body experience, so don’t forget to include your partners erogenous zones (and have them include yours as well)!
6. You don’t need a new partner, you need new sex.
A big reason why couples seek out sex therapy is that their sex life isn’t what it used to be, and it’s causing problems in the relationship that extend beyond their lack of sexual intimacy. First, it’s normal for sex to become routine over time and therefore lose some of the excitement. When this happens, it’s not time to get a new partner, it’s time to have new sex! Yep, that’s what I said: have new sex! Explore new positions, new locations, introduce toys, and role-playing. The possibilities are endless as long as you are willing to be open-minded and creative! What an awesome opportunity to be able to explore new things when you’re with someone who you’re already completely comfortable with! Trying new things with your partner will not only enhance your sex life, but it will strengthen the relationship by reigniting the attraction that first brought you together.
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7. Don’t forget to relax.
Sex has been such a repressed subject for women for decades. Because of this women are typically more reserved and shy when it comes to sex, and if you aren’t relaxed, chances are it’s just not going to happen. When men have orgasms, they typically let their bodies take over their brains for a few minutes and just enjoy the moment. Women on the other hand hold back a little bit, afraid of what their partner might think if they lose control. Do you know what he’ll think if you throw caution to the wind and let yourself become fully immersed in your orgasm? Chances are he’ll be pretty damn proud that he was able to please you so well. Good for him. Good for you. win/win!
8. Talk to each other.
Be open with your partner about what you like, don’t like, and ask them the same questions. Better sex doesn’t come from mind readers, it comes from good communicators.
9. Know when it’s time to seek professional help.
We’ve all heard the age old adage “admitting there’s a problem is the first step in overcoming it.” It’s true. Some couples have problems that extend beyond anything that can be fixed with good communication and sheer will power. Whether it’s the psychological strain of vaginismus (a psychologically-induced involuntary muscle spasm that makes penetration into the vagina impossible) or a lack of desire and arousal, most sexual problems do have a solution if you are willing to be open to talking about and working through them.
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