God Help Me, '80 For Brady' Has a Music Video

These are things that I know to be true. There is a film in the works called 80 For Brady, which follows four women in their eighties as they go on a road trip for see Tom Brady in Super Bowl LI. Those four women are played by Academy Award winners Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Rita Moreno, and Sally Field. (Inexplicably, Guy Fieri, is also a member of the cast.) This film will premiere in theaters on February 3, 2023. Way back in November, 80 For Brady's trailer took me on a journey that left me questioning my very existence, asking a very specific list of queries, which you can read below.

Now, months later, as we near the unholy crash of 80 For Brady into Earth's crust and what lies beneath, my anguish continues. A new song, which has been crafted specifically for this film, has debuted. It features another quartet of legends: Dolly Parton, Belinda Carlisle, Cyndi Lauper, Gloria Estefan and Debbie Harry. It has been dubbed, "Gonna Be You." I regret to inform you that "Gonna Be You" has a music video. Reader, I pray for relief. Preacher, I ask that my sins may be absolved. While I lament my consciousness—the one that has allowed me to bear witness to "Gonna Be You"—and imagine a time when I may no longer have it, you can watch this strange and somewhat threatening series of images below. Join me afterward, in communion, to figure out where humanity goes from here.

The Music Video

1. Is that... a Dolly Partonified Tom Brady jersey? The hell?!

2. When I see 80 For Brady, and this song blares over the credits, why am I certain that I'll get goosebumps?

3. Why does the track's underlying wub-wub-wub-wub-wub make me crave a Dolly Parton EDM pivot?

4. This one I'm asking directly to Dolly, Belinda, Cyndi, Gloria, and Debbie: How much did they pay you to wear a Tom Brady jersey and lip-sync in front of a green screen?!

5. Will you pray for me?

6. Was this song inspired by Jane Fonda's somewhat stalker-y method of making friends?

7. Did Tom Brady approve of this song? Maybe if he sings "Gonna Be You," a capella, to Bill Belichick, they'll be best buddies again?

8. If I'm drowning in the cold, deep water, can you please not come to my rescue? Let me drown.

9. Did Cyndi Lauper just finish an Inventing Anna binge? ITS GAUWNA BEE YAAUUUUOOOOOO—

10. When I die, will you pull out your phone, pull up Spotify, and play "Gonna Be You" to my corpse, to prove that this life is as meaningless as I suspect?

The Trailer

1. When we all went into lockdown in March 2020, did I fall sleep and suffer from an extended pandemic dream (it's a real thing!) that is finally crescendoing with the 80 For Brady trailer?

2. No matter what I'm about to ask here, will the fact that Tomlin, Fonda, Moreno, and Field are in 80 For Brady stop me from loving it? (The answer is no.)

3. Why is the Rob Gronkowski erotica gag so funny? WHY!

4. One more about that book: Kristen Stewart, is that you?!

5. OK, this is not a question: Lily Tomlin dab. Lily Tomlin dab!

6. Who is the human who had to superimpose Guy Fieri's head on top of six different bodies, including Rita Moreno's, and why aren't they making more money than Tom Brady's base salary for the Bucs?

7. When is the Gronk and Fonda rom-com spinoff hitting theaters?

8. Can we get details about when, exactly, Tommy Braids agreed to all of this? Was this a kneejerk decision during his 48 hours of retirement?

9. How does everything Sally Field say in this preview genuinely make me want to weep?

10. How will the world react when Fonda, Moreno, Field, and Tomlin make up four of the five Best Actress slots at the 2024 Academy Awards?

11. Is releasing this film on February 3—about a week before the Super Bowl—the most inexcusable fit of Tom Brady bravado we've ever seen?

12. Where can I buy those bejeweled-looking football jerseys?

13. Will there be a Tom Brady MAGA hat zinger anywhere in 80 For Brady?

14. Can we get a live, televised version of the Spicy BBQ Hot Wings challenge, where Sally Field actually goes full Hot Ones?

15. If I die from acute heart failure within the hour, will you, reader, bury me in Flavortown and tell Guy Fieri that he did this to me?

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