The 8 Sexiest Things Men Did Last Month
Welcome to Horny on Main, where each month horny expert Sophia Benoit will be highlighting the sexiest things men did.
Come one, come all. It’s time to take a long, lingering gaze at all the (pumpkin) spice-y things that men did last month—after all, it isn’t called Cocktober for nothing! (Actually, it’s just because it rhymes.) From sweetly enthusiastic displays of partner support to Lee Pace’s extremely supportive thighs, thank you to these men and their legs for powering us through a spooky, sexy four weeks.
Technically, our first item isn’t from October, but it entered my life this month: Lee Pace’s thighs’ Instagram. The account is supposedly for his whole body, and I respect that, but his thighs are the true star. Just look at him on a boat. Or in a shorts-suit, which only he and LeBron James can pull off. Or this shot where his thighs are trying to play coy. I still see you, Lee’s thighs. I still. See. You. I just wish he’d stop with all the beautiful landscape shots; I’m here for one reason, or two if you count both thighs.
You should not need me to tell you that Simone Biles is better at gymnastics than any of us are at anything. She’s a five time world champion, she’s an Olympic gold medal winner; she has at least four moves named after her. You get it. She’s phenomenal. Well, her boyfriend Stacey Ervin Jr. thinks so, too, as he is happy to flaunt on Instagram. In a video where he’s watching her floor routine, Ervin goes absolutely nuts for Biles, shouting at his TV and jumping around, which is the level of support every partner should be providing for their S.O.’s career accomplishments, not just world champion-level ones.
While I’m thrilled the NBA is back, and especially thrilled the Sixers are playing so well, I was not impressed by the obscene number of players who decided to dress up as The Joker this year. The winner of NBA Halloween, and my horny heart, therefore, goes to LeBron James for dressing up as Edward Scissorhands. Perhaps it’s because I know it’s not a family costume he was forced into, or maybe it’s the dedication and intricacy of the look (Do you want to wear all leather and a wig to a party? Do you want blade hands that make you unable to drink? No!) Perhaps it’s simply getting to see LeBron with long flowing locks. I don’t know! But I love it all. Happy Hornoween to me!
Hollywood loves to be self-congratulatory about their own efforts to heal the country’s racial tensions and partisanship (cough Green Book cough), so it was no surprise to see A-listers cooing support for Ellen DeGeneres’s friendship with George W. Bush. That’s why it was especially satisfying to see Mark Ruffalo break ranks with his silver screen comrades via Twitter, saying, “Sorry, until George W. Bush is brought to justice for the crimes of the Iraq War, (including American-lead torture, Iraqi deaths & displacement, and the deep scars—emotional & otherwise—inflicted on our military that served his folly), we can’t even begin to talk about kindness.” Y-E-S Mark!
I am going to confess to a comedian faux pas: I don’t exactly “watch” SNL. Let’s be honest: none of us know how to watch cable anymore. That said, I did watch Billy Porter help announce the “Equality Town Hall”—where the last candidate standing gets the gay vote. Porter is hilarious, which is of course why he was picked for the sketch, but did you see his outfit?! A fuschia brocade sports coat? Bedazzled glasses? Perfection! But the pièce de résistance was the artfully tied neck scarf. Bring neck scarves into the mainstream, Billy Porter! (And, no, the sad, sweaty bandana you’ve owned since Boy Scouts doesn’t count).
Ignoring his Olsen-twins-in-Billboard Dad-esque purple sunglasses, James Blake gave an incredible Billboard interview this month where he credited his girlfriend (the oft problematic) Jameela Jamil for her work on his album. Blake corrected a tweet misrepresenting his interview, saying that she “Not just inspired [the album]—she actually worked on it. I even said it in the interview, but people focus on ‘inspired’ because the idea of the ‘muse’ is so romantic and pervasive.” He further revealed that she’d earned a producer credit, too. He continued: “Women who help their partners with their album, being a sounding board and often their only emotional support during the process, almost invariably go uncredited, while majority male producers come in and make a tiny change to a track and they’re Mr. golden balls.” Giving due credit to women for their often-ignored contributions to the arts? Sexy. Extra points for the phrase “Mr. Golden Balls.”
The Nationals. Yes, their fans booed Donald Trump when he waltzed into game five of the World Series, which was gratifying, if insufficient, but let’s go back a few weeks further. Their pitcher Daniel Hudson opted to miss the first game of the National League Championship Series so he could be there for the birth of his daughter. He was back for game two and we all know how the series turned out, but some fans were critical of his choice to skip such a major playoff game. You know who wasn’t upset? His teammates. Sean Doolittle in particular had a magnificent response to the criticism, saying, “If your reaction to someone having a baby is anything other than, ‘Congratulations, I hope everybody is healthy,’ you’re an asshole.” Chef’s kiss.
Paul Rudd has been making the interview rounds to promote his new Netflix show, and in the process, gave us this highly memeable clip and taught us an ingenious way to make it look like people are standing next to butts in photos. Remarkable! Handy! In yet another unveiling of a secret talent, Rudd demonstrates his ability to split an apple in half with his bare hands, uttering “This motherfucker is a tight one” just before it cracks cleanly in two. I watched this four times and then I laid down on the ground for a while. Paul, you’re welcome to come assist me in all future apple-related baking endeavors.
Sex
Fridays be damned.
Originally Appeared on GQ
