6 Ways to Cope With Caregiver Stress When You’re Nearing Burnout
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Especially when you’re caring for a loved one, being a caregiver is one of the hardest—and most rewarding—jobs around. But such a high-stress job can often leave you feeling extremely emotionally and physically drained, an experience known as caregiver burnout.
As soon as you recognize you’re hitting your limit—hopefully long before you reach a crisis point—it’s crucial to find ways to refresh yourself, which will make you a more compassionate and patient caregiver.
Both Amy Goyer, the family and caregiving expert for the AARP and author of Juggling Life, Work, and Caregiving, and Carol Rickard, LCSW, a social worker, stress-management consultant, and author of Stretched Not Broken: A Caregiver’s Toolbox for Reducing & Managing Stress compare self-care to putting gas in the car and getting regular tune-ups to keep everything running smoothly. Though this may seem like an impossible dream—how can you leave your mother with Alzheimer’s for an hour, much less overnight?— there are resources out there to help, says Goyer.
If you’re experiencing caregiver burnout and are looking for ways to cope, Goyer and Rickard lay out a comprehensive plan to help you feel less in crisis and more like yourself.
Find local resources
Your first step should be to contact your local Area Agency on Aging (type in your zip code to find nearby resources); you can get information on assisted living, nursing homes, home health care agencies, adult daycare, respite care, and other services in your city.
Some families may worry that this kind of help is prohibitively expensive, but you may be surprised—some agencies provide free services, or work on a sliding scale depending on your income. Goyer also recommends that if you work outside the home, to check with your benefits department at work to see if they offer employee assistance for caregiving. If your loved one is a veteran, there are many agencies eager to help, including VA Caregiver Support and the Elizabeth Dole Foundation, which provide free short-term help for families taking care of U.S. veterans.
Build up your team
One of the most powerful ways you can avoid burnout is to create a team of people to pitch in. “It’s all a big jigsaw puzzle,” says Goyer. “You have to put together the pieces in a variety of ways, even [if it’s] just getting another set of hands in the house to clean or help while you're still in the house.” Your solutions may include:
Professional aides: So many families are afraid to bring in outside help, even for a few hours a week. This is often because they worry their loved one will feel like it’s an intrusion and reject the help—especially if they are suffering from dementia, says Sara Qualls, Ph.D., a professor of aging studies and psychology and director of the Gerontology Center at the University of Colorado, Colorado Springs. “In many cases it takes a few tries before they become comfortable with the new person, but in the end you’ll be glad you did it,” she says. Go to Care.com or contact a local agency to find experienced help.
Family members: The bulk of the caregiving for a parent often falls to the child who lives the closest (or who doesn’t work outside the home), but that doesn’t mean your faraway relative can’t help. Even a relative who lives on the opposite coast can pitch in by dealing with insurance paperwork, scheduling medical appointments, ordering grocery or meal deliveries, or paying for someone to clean the house every other week. And a niece, nephew, or sibling can always come sit with your loved one for a few hours while you get your hair cut or have dinner with a friend.
Neighbors and friends: “Caregiving was never meant to be done by one person—it’s a team sport,” says Goyer. Qualls suggests you take up your friendly neighbor’s offer to help out by having her come and sit with your loved one while you run errands or grab a latte. If you’re a member of a faith-based community, they can recruit volunteers to help you out with errands or to give you a break for a few hours a week.
Give yourself time off
Now that you have your team assembled, get out your calendar and schedule times to refuel, which can include mini-breaks each day, an afternoon off, or even an entire weekend away. If you’re caring for someone with Alzheimer’s, check out HFC, a nonprofit support group founded by the actors Seth Rogen and Lauren Miller Rogen, which awards grants to caregivers for respite care.
You can find other resources for respite care through the ARCH National Respite Network. But even taking a few minutes while your loved one is napping or watching TV to read a magazine, play with your cat, or read the latest royal family intrigue is important. “You may feel that no one can do as good a job as you can, and they won’t do it in exactly the same way—and you’re right,” says Rickard. But, as long as your loved one is safe and looked after, it’s okay if the grilled cheese isn’t prepared the exact way they like it or they go to bed an hour later than usual. Check in every 15 minutes if it makes you feel better, Rickard suggests, but then try to enjoy the 14 minutes in between.
Practice self-care
Find at least a few minutes each day to do something soothing, relaxing, and soul-nourishing. Melissa, a Brooklyn mom caring for her elderly mother and a teenager with autism, does yoga or puts on her earbuds to walk in the park and listen to music. Goyer practices Pilates without fail. Rickard spends time each day writing cards to send to friends. And make sure you get enough restful sleep, says Goyer.
“We think sleep is something we can sacrifice, Oh, I need to clean the house, I’ll stay up two hours later to do it!" Goyer says. "But if you don’t sleep, your body and mind can’t cope, it robs you of your ability to cope with the stress.” She recommends talking to your doctor about what can help—whether that means using a meditation app before bed, taking melatonin, or even using lavender oil in a diffuser.
Stay connected with the outside world
Social isolation is often cited as one of the most difficult aspects of caregiving—especially for those who live with the person they care for—and it increases the risk of depression.
“My dad encouraged me to keep doing what I love to do, so I kept up my social life and took time off to travel with my now-husband,” says Pres Averbach Lorenzo, a registered nurse who helped care for his father in California for 10 years after his open-heart surgery. “I think that really helped me prevent burnout and any feelings of resentment.”
Rickard recommends keeping a list of friends on the refrigerator and making sure to reach out to at least one a day, by text, phone, or letter. Meanwhile Goyer encourages caregivers to join in-person or online support groups, where you can connect with other people in similar situations. “They provide education, emotional support and social interaction,” she says. For Melissa, who found some relief after her mother recovered from Covid and her son’s medication stabilized his seizures, frequent Zooms with a group of friends help her blow off steam while keeping up close connections.
Remind yourself why you do what you do
If you feel helpless or stuck, take some time to think about the person you're caring for and what your presence means to them. For those caring for a family member with dementia, that often means finding a way to connect to the person you love, who is still inside. That may mean listening to your favorite songs together while sitting on the couch holding hands, or going out for a walk in the garden to remember how much you liked hiking together, says Qualls. “You won't be able to have the same conversations you once had, but you can enjoy being together.”
“I remind caregivers that everything we do is a choice,” says Goyer. “There are people who are left on their own—not because they don’t have any family, but because their family chooses not to help. So give yourself credit for making the choice to be there for your loved one. You’re not perfect, you can’t solve every problem, but you're doing your best.”
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