57 Things I Thought While Watching the Netflix Movie The Knight Before Christmas

It’s holiday movie time yet again. The year’s first bumper crop of Netflix gems is here to grace us with Christmas cheer and, more often than not, absolutely ludicrous plotlines.

Just last week, The Knight Before Christmas dropped on the streaming service. It stars Vanessa Hudgens as a high-school science teacher “disillusioned by love” and Josh Whitehouse as a 14th-century knight sent to modern-day Ohio (sure), where—and I’m just using my powers of deductive reasoning here—they probably kiss. Let’s dive in, shall we?

  1. Ooh, castle!

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. Cute, mop-topped men in chain mail, one of whom is Josh Whitehouse, set out on horseback for the “annual Christmas hawking competition.” We love to hawk, don’t we, girls!

  2. I wonder how much this Netflix rom-com will depict the Black Death, which claimed the lives of over one-third of European society. Probably a lot, right?

  3. Some hawking intrigue is going on, which is of little interest to me because I never watched Game of Thrones (it’s about hawks, right?).

  4. We’re in the present day! Vanessa Hudgens hasn’t aged at all since High School Musical, and here she is playing a high-school teacher. Leak the skincare routine, Vanessa!

  5. I wonder if this statement will become relevant later on?

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. Back in Game of Thrones, Josh Whitehouse meets a down-on-her-luck forest witch (okay) who, due to his kindness, tells him, “The quest you have searched for long and hard, these many years, begins this day.” Ominous! Apparently, he shall “travel to faraway lands, see things undreamed of.”

  2. Oh, okay, her name is literally Old Crone. Cool.

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. If Josh Whitehouse fails to fulfill his quest by Christmas Eve, he shall never become a true knight. Stakes-y!

  2. Just like that, Josh Whitehouse is in Ohio, getting severely freaked out by a carousel. Wait until he sees a Bird scooter.

  3. Vanessa Hudgens is at a Christmas fair with her niece, who shall henceforth be known as Niece. Meanwhile, tweens want a selfie with the knight, which is tough for him, because he doesn’t know what a selfie is.

  4. Niece asks Santa for a new boyfriend for her aunt, someone “who won’t cheat on her.” Thus, we are given to understand that her ex cheated on her, which doesn’t seem very holly-jolly!

  5. Meet-cute time: Vanessa Hudgens smashes her hot chocolate into Josh Whitehouse’s armor, which is presumably easy to clean, at least. They’re untimely torn apart by the arrival of Niece’s mom, as all great love stories begin.

  6. Vanessa Hudgens hits Josh Whitehouse with her car, an incident which is also probably supposed to have meet-cute vibes, but just makes me think of Michael Scott driving directly into Meredith.

  7. A friendly cop, the staple of every fictional small town, takes Josh Whitehouse to the hospital, with Vanessa Hudgens following behind. He turns out to be fine, but they think he has post-traumatic amnesia, when actually, he’s a freaking knight. (Does nobody want to run a quick PET scan?)

  8. Okay, now we know for sure the cop is friendly, specifically because Vanessa Hudgens’s dad used to work with him.

  9. Vanessa Hudgens offers to put Josh Whitehouse up at her house, because as a woman, when you hit an male stranger with your car, the best thing to do is offer him lodging.

  10. Josh Whitehouse has a lot of fun pushing radio buttons in the car, much like any baby acquiring object permanence might. This movie is starting to give me Splash vibes.

  11. They get home, and Josh Whitehouse is spellbound by the freezer...you get the theme by now. I am extremely jealous of Vanessa Hudgens’s giant house, and may or may not be googling “average rent in Ohio.”

  12. Damn, dude.

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. Vanessa Hudgens’s sister makes the first reasonable point of the movie.

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. Vanessa Hudgens and Josh Whitehouse go to a spacious, seasonally decorated diner—something I really, truly miss about Ohio—and he’s mystified by the concept of a hot dog. Let nobody say that modern life does not have its bright spots! He calls the server a “wench,” which everyone gets mad at, and we learn he’s terminally single until he fulfills his mysterious quest.

  2. Vanessa Hudgens’s ex and his new GF show up, and Josh Whitehouse tries to sword-fight them.

  3. TV is—you guessed it—new to Josh Whitehouse. As is Alexa. As are Christmas carols. Did you know that a lot of today’s modern conveniences didn’t exist in medieval times?

  4. Oh my God, oh my God, we get a little Holiday in the Wild crossover cameo! Reader, I gasped. It's on TV, and Josh Whitehouse watches it as raptly as we all did.

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. Vanessa Hudgens’s sister, who I just realized is Emmanuelle Chriqui, comes over with men’s clothes and muffins. They go wake up Josh Whitehouse, who’s clad in a very Maryam Nassir Zadeh sleeping garment and immediately charms Emmanuelle Chriqui.

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. Josh Whitehouse puts on modern clothes and pronounces them “straight fire.” Apparently, he learned a lot during his Netflix binge. He and Vanessa Hudgens binge together until she falls asleep, at which point he covers her with a blanket, because that’s what love is.

  2. We get some sad backstory about how Josh Whitehouse and Vanessa Hudgens are both alienated from their sick/dead/absent parents. Clearly, this will only bring them closer together.

  3. Josh Whitehouse tells Vanessa Hudgens to stop calling him “sir” now that they’re “more familiar,” which I believe is medieval English for “gonna kiss soon.”

  4. There are 57 minutes left of this movie. I feel myself fading.

  5. Never mind, I’m perked up by the sight of this decently cute coat.

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. Vanessa Hudgens lets a man who (she believes) is recovering from a head injury borrow her car to go to an unspecified location. Normal!

  2. As someone who has crashed two cars and a golf cart in my 26 years of life, this looks like an adequate parking job to me, but I get the sense it isn’t.

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. Friendly Cop from earlier isn’t so happy about the parking job, calling Vanessa Hudgens to come pick it up. She and Josh Whitehouse have a heart-to-heart about his quest, which she still doesn’t really get (neither do I), but she’s encouraging (I wouldn’t be).

  2. We get a timely reminder, courtesy of Niece, that girls can be knights too. Girl! Boss!

  3. Heterosexuality is a prison.

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. A mean redhead neighbor stops by to flirt with Josh Whitehouse, but he’s not into it. Apparently, she went to high school with Vanessa Hudgens and was voted “Biggest Flirt,” so she obviously needs to be put in the stocks.

  2. Niece learns a Valuable Lesson about poverty when she meets a little girl whose dad can’t afford new gloves for her. I am most certainly not tearing up, and I resent the implication.

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. Vanessa Hudgens is throwing a big Christmas feast to benefit those in need, which, unfortunately, makes me yell “DID SOMEONE SAY ‘THOSE IN NEED’?” in Justin Timberlake’s Cup o’ Soup voice.

  2. Josh Whitehouse is spellbound by a modern grocery store, which I would love to make fun of, but honestly, I was similarly transfixed when I moved to Ohio for college and walked into my first Wal-Mart.

  3. Josh Whitehouse and Vanessa Hudgens knead bread, sexily, as a sexy blizzard rages outside.

  4. Oh, okay, so we’re just going to sit here and pretend the pottery scene in Ghost never happened?

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix</cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. Niece and her friend are missing! Niece is inexplicably found standing on a frozen lake, which has cracked, but it’s Josh Whitehouse to the rescue!

  2. Vanessa Hudgens and Josh Whitehouse go back to the Christmas fair, where Josh Whitehouse sword-fights a pickpocket and wins the approval of Friendly Cop, who suggests he join the force. What could be more Christmassy and romantic than enforcing the carceral state?

  3. We’ve got a lead on the quest: Josh Whitehouse wants to help Niece’s friend’s down-on-his-luck father. With his influence, “Santa” brings Niece’s friend and all her siblings Christmas presents, as well as money for the family.

  4. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t watching this movie.

  5. Mean redhead neighbor has a change of heart and gives Josh Whitehouse mistletoe, for that special someone. I wonder who that will be?

  6. LET’S GOOOOOO.

<cite class="credit">Photo: Courtesy of Netflix </cite>
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix
  1. Josh Whitehouse leaves to fulfill “the knight’s code,” but something—maybe the Netflix algorithm—tells me these two crazy kids will work it out.

  2. Time for a melancholy, broken-hearted Christmas song that makes me wish I were somehow also watching Bridget Jones’s Diary.

  3. Josh Whitehouse is magically transported home for his brother’s knighting ceremony (did I forget to mention that was a thing? It’s a whole thing), but his heart isn’t in it.

  4. Christmas morning! Niece gets a puppy.

  5. Josh Whitehouse stumbles back into the forest and begs the Old Crone to return him to Vanessa Hudgens, who he’s suddenly realized is worth giving up hawking for. She complies, saying he’s proven himself worthy.

  6. Josh Whitehouse runs to Vanessa Hudgens and tells her she’s his quest. They’re happy! They kiss again!

  7. I can’t help but dwell on how alone I am. Is this what Netflix Christmas movies want for me?

  8. Josh Whitehouse and Vanessa Hudgens ride off on horseback, and I close my Netflix browser, content and secure in the knowledge that my job paid me to watch this movie.

  9. Merry Christmas, to medieval crones and Netflix-binging millennials alike!

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Originally Appeared on Vogue