The 50 Greatest Video Game Characters of All Time

We, the intrepid gamers of Esquire, write many, many lists about the games we play. But there was never one that caused more interstaff name-calling, bickering, and assorted displays of disrespect than this list right before your eyes: The Best Video Game Characters of All Time.

We thought about putting Barney Rubble from Bedrock Bowling on this list just to fuck with you. Early drafts reserved a seat at this table of GOATs for the Goat from Goat Simulator. Know that Nintendogs, an inanimate football, and the ox from Oregon Trail are all here in earnest. They earned their place. Fight it, and the ox will fight you. He’s seen some shit. He was there when Mary died of typhoid fever.

Now, remember, this list is totally subjective and in no particular order, so please keep your trolling arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times. If you find your meanie levels rising above an eight, just remember: If video game characters are just a proxy for you, the player, then doesn’t that mean the greatest video game character of all time…is you?